My Broken Compass: Lost And Afraid

“Hello! My name is Jess and I have Bipolar Disorder 2!”

I’m not sure if that’s the absolute best way to start off my first blog post on my first blog I’ve ever done in my entire life. I’m actually not really sure where to start to be honest. On top of that, I’m not a writer so you’ll have to bear with me on the grammar and punctuation.

I guess that’s probably what it feels like when you’re out hiking in the great outdoors and you suddenly find yourself lost…and you realize your compass is broken. Where do I go now? How do I start the road back to recovery? Without a map or some kind of GPS-capable device, you’re pretty much fucked.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m an “outdoorsy” person. However I like sticking to the trails. I’ve never been interested in doing a sort of off-road kind of hiking adventure for fear of getting perpetually lost. For those of you who have seen the movie Into the Wild, or read the book its based on, you’ll understand my point. Not to spoil anything but it’s an incredible story of a young man who throws away essentially all his worldly belongings and goes off on an incredible adventure. Having just graduated from college, his goal was to hike his way to Alaska and live off of nature. To me, that sounds absolutely terrifying! Getting back to my point, that’s probably why I feel so scared right now. I may not be stuck in the middle of the forests of Alaska but I’m stuck in my own mental fog and I can’t seem to find my way out.

Now to be fair and upfront, I do not want anyone reading this blog and thinking that I have the Magical Compass that will guide people with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, cyclothymic disorder, etc. Do NOT use me as your Polaris or blame me for your episodes! I’m not a role model and I definitely don’t want to be one.

This blog is actually the opposite. I’m looking for someone who has a proper working compass to point me in the right direction. Because, quite frankly, having a Bipolar Compass is a pain in the ass. It works perfectly well when you’re medicated and stable but once depression or mania hits the thing somehow runs out of batteries (I’m being facetious, and I know how normal compasses work).

There are plenty of resources that I’ve been and still am utilizing (bphope.comThe Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to KnowAn Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, professional therapy, psychiatry, my husband and friends, etc.)

I’m looking for someone who has been through it or knows someone who has and give me real life advice. Textbooks and self-help guides are great and serve immense purposes but I don’t know anyone personally who has gone through what I have gone through. I’m 27 years old and I need to know that I’m on the right path.

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