The Forbidden Forest: How My Mania Helped Me Cheat On My Husband

Ready. Set. Sail!

(The following story contains very mature sexual content and language. Viewer discretion is advised.)

So here we are. I did promise to give you guys the full story and I am going to. It’s going to be long so pull up a chair. If you read my previous post, you’ll know that I’m starting my life story off with the most recent and most painful bipolar symptom I’ve experienced: hypersexuality. If you haven’t already read it, I’d suggest going back for educational purposes. To me it’s better to know the “how” and “why” before hearing the “what”. Essentially, hypersexuality is, from my personal experience, an overwhelming desire and obsessive preoccupation with sex and sexual content. In the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition), it’s listed as a primary symptom of bipolar under the category of “sexual indiscretions”. Louis J. Cozolino, PhD, a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University in southern California, and leading bipolar disorder guru, says that it’s akin to sexual addiction. He goes on to say that people who are manic with this symptom display “vulnerability to a ‘disinhibition’ of social restraints during manic periods” In fact, there are studies to suggest that there is more blood flow to the left part of the amygdala (almond-shaped part of the brain that deals with fear and panic) in bipolar patients than in other people. Furthermore, feelings of pleasure and arousal are related to a sort of calming effect. Sort of like taking painkillers.

Well, to me, I needed to kill the pain. And when I did I got into trouble. Although it seems like I’ve been taking this topic lightly, it’s because I’m thoroughly embarrassed and afraid to relive it. In recounting the events, maybe one of you could shine some light on what I could’ve done different or hopefully realize you’re on the same path and quickly turn back. You don’t see how far you’ve gone until you look back and realize you can’t remember where you came from.

Baby steps.

That’s how it happened.

Baby steps.

Everyone gets to hear about it and everyone knows you’re not supposed to go in there. It’s where the snakes and liars live. It’s where the evil people of the world congregate to hurt their partners and spouses. It’s what Ashley Madison capitalizes on with its now 32 million hacked “dirtbags” who thought they would never get caught living in it. I call it The Forbidden Forest. It’s pretty much the road to an affair. Cheating. Adultery. Whatever applies to you.

It’s something me in my now 11 year relationship (4 years happily married) would never have dreamed of doing. Now if you do the math, I’m 27 years old. That means my husband and I were high school sweethearts. And if you did, you would be correct. We were so in love for so long! (We still are!) It’s hard to imagine life without him. He is my everything. I’ve never dated or been with another guy because I found someone who syncs so well with me. We are soul mates. True love does exist and I almost ruined it.

It started around Valentine’s Day. 50 Shades of Grey had just come out in theatres and it seemed like everyone was feeling the whole steamy passion vibes. That movie isn’t my cup of tea but the effects of the advertising got my heart pumping. I was pulling out the old kinky tricks and me and my husband were having the best sex we had ever had. Every night. And I was on top of the world at work and in my social life. Things were perfect.

This came just in time because I was struggling with depression just prior to this leveling up in my emotions. I was taking Lamictal for my mood stabilizer and Klonopin for my anxiety but I was still getting low swings in my mood so my psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. That was around January. Now antidepressants aren’t the best idea for someone with bipolar disorder because it can induce mania. But with all the family drama going on and me and my brother wanting nothing more to do with our “dysfunctional family”, I needed a little pick me up. She was cautious to put me on it temporarily until I started feeling better. I did almost immediately.

For those of you who don’t know, people with Bipolar Disorder generally fall into two categories: Bipolar I is the powerful fast jump into mania while Bipolar II has a milder hypomania that sort of slowly sneaks up on you. It’s hard to tell exactly when it starts and when it really ends because of how gradual it is.

Now back to the crazy passionate sex! I thought I was fine. And maybe I was. But over the course of the next few months I was starting to obsess over it. My younger brother gave me a gift subscription to Spotify and I used it to create a really naughty playlist that I’d listen to over and over again. All day every day.

That still wasn’t enough. I needed more sex. It’s hard coming home when you have a raging “ladyboner” to hear your husband say he is tired or not in the mood. Some nights I’d convince him otherwise but usually that meant no sex and I’d wake up later in the night and masturbate. On top of that I was masturbating 2 times a day.

That still wasn’t enough. And then the problems started. I have a coworker who started taking notice of my unusually high confidence and started gravitating toward me. Bumping into me in the break room frequently. Sitting close staring into my eyes and being all kinds of nervous around me. The usual, I like you but I don’t want you to know kind of attitude. Which made sense if he liked me and didn’t want me to know because he was married as well!

Now I was never planning on doing anything with him but it did feel good to be noticed by another guy. Feeling the sexual tension in his eyes added another rush to my day.

That still wasn’t enough. So I tried letting my husband know. Communication is key for a good marriage so I wanted to let him know I was missing the attention. My husband is a good man. He definitely agreed to try harder but he does work a very stressful job so it’s hard to find the time to be romantic (I’m told this is common in marriages and that the passion slowly fades over time). I’m not naive, I’m being silly. You’ll get my humor eventually.

That still WAS NOT ENOUGH! I mentioned in my previous post that I went to go see the movie Magic Mike XXL in theatres TWICE in less than 24 hrs. That was around mid-July and I can clearly see now that I’m stable that I had hit hypomania because my mind went out of control. Sunday morning after the second screening I sat back and practically begged my husband for attention. I had told him about the guy at work and that I don’t feel the passion in our marriage. Whether or not things had actually changed is hard to remember objectively but I was still craving sex to the point of being aroused constantly. My husband gave the usual, I’m trying my best but you I can only do so much speech. That pissed me off!

So I downloaded an app called Whisper so I could post an angry confession. It basically said that I loved the attention my hot coworker is giving me because I’m not getting that from my husband.

….and so it begins. Baby steps.

There were a few guys who responded. Most of them asked for pics or replied with nasty comments so I did the normal thing and dismissed and deleted the gross ones. One guy though. He was different.

He responded with something funny. He said the dude is probably a hot fireman on the side and will probably take his shirt off to show me his rock hard abs. My immediate response was a quick LOL and said that there was no way because my coworker is rather skinny. The guy, let’s call him Mark, starts telling me that he probably has steamy office fantasies about me. Mark says that he is probably slowly crossing boundaries, doing “this or that to try and get me to blush”. That he is biding his time before he corners me in the breakroom.

Reality check: This isn’t my first time chatting online. I enjoyed it in college with the whole Chat Roulette craze until it got to be all about dick pics. However, guys rarely ever talk to me without getting extremely gross, sending me a dick pic, or asking to hook up. Mark hadn’t done any of that yet so I was reluctant to just cut him off.

So I kept chatting. Or rather he did. After learning about my coworker being 12 years my senior,  Mark essentially said that my coworker was trying to hookup with the young office hottie to make himself feel young again. I agreed and said that nothing would ever happen but it’s fun to imagine. Mark agreed and helped me imagine. In what seemed like an endless stream of about 50 messages, he painted this vivid erotica about me being cornered alone in the breakroom with him. How he’d press his hips against me from behind so I can feel how hard he is for me. How he’d undo my shirt and bra and let my chest out in the open air. How he’d push me down to the ground and pull my panties off of me, shoving his tongue deep inside and sending a rush up my spine…

It was absolutely amazing! I was hooked to my phone’s screen I couldn’t look away. It was the most erotic thing I’ve ever read. I was getting so hot and bothered that I started to masturbate as I was reading. The dirtier it got the more aroused I was. Mark would say things like “you dirty little slut” and “I can tell you’re soaking just thinking about it”. Finally I climaxed and felt this absolute electric sensation run through me. The orgasmic feeling was orgasmic if that makes sense.

When it was all done, I said I was absolutely blown away and that the story really turned me on. He replied with a quick thanks. I asked him who he was, thinking I accidentally bumped into some famous John Grisham of the erotica world. He said, no one really, “Just call me Mark”.

Baby steps.

From then on out I was hooked like a drug addict. He would message me on the app daily feeding me stories and I’d give him real life material to make it more interactive. It was fun and, in my mind, harmless. I wasn’t “cheating”. I was simply allowing this guy to get me off at work, no reciprocating, and make my day less boring. Mark mentioned that a few times. He said he hopes that he can make my day a little less dull. And believe me, when you’re stuck in meetings, it sure passes the time!

Baby steps.

So after about a week I got curious and started asking Mark more details about himself. The usual, I’m from San Diego, play video games, etc. Then it hit me. He said he went to college in the city. I asked reluctantly how old he was. He said 20! 20 years old!!!

My heart sunk. I’d been dirty talking to some college boy?!?! I thought he was in his thirties the way he talked, how well written and how large a vocabulary he had. My God I felt like a pedophile! I let him know and he said typically women do get shocked when they find out how young he is. Apparently this kid does this online chatting alot. Come to find out that he has apparently chatted with hundreds of women! It made sense. Mark was able to pick up exactly how to talk to a woman after all that experience. And he had me under his spell and he knew it. So I was stuck.

Over the next couple weeks I’d start reciprocating and turning the stories more toward Mark and I rather than my coworker. I’d give him hints as to what I looked like so he could imagine and dream. But one fine day while my husband was out of town on business, he asked for a pic. I knew it! This is what he was waiting patiently for! I refused. He insisted. I said no I’m not about to do that. That’s when he tried to convince me.

Mark would say things like “oh I know you want to. It makes you fucking wet just thinking about it” “I know your heart is racing and you’re thinking about how good it’d feel to show off”. Normally, in a clear state of mind, that kind of mental mindfuck wouldn’t do anything to me. But the way he persisted and how he practically knew how to push my buttons at this point, it took a lot in me to say no. He agreed and said that’s fine and he won’t ask ever again. Granted, he just wanted a pic of my ass because I wouldn’t stop bragging about it (I work out like a beast and I do a lot of lunges and squats so use your imagination). On top of that, we agreed from the start to keep things anonymous (no faces, no full names, no personal contact info). Furthermore, he mentioned that he doesn’t do married women. He did at one point and it ruined everything and he regrets it til this day. Funny how he still flirts with them but that’s just really warped logic in my mind. He said he gets off on older married women getting aroused by his writing. Power trip? Issues with his mom? He said he didn’t do well with love in the past and broke a girl’s heart so he doesn’t desire commitment. Mark was more of a fwb kind of guy.

Now throughout all this, my conscience was still working but on low battery. My mania was telling me that I needed this. Without his messages I’d go bat-shit crazy. I remember times when I couldn’t get a hold of him, I’d be sitting in a meeting at work writhing in my seat. I was so horny it was palpable. I couldn’t pay attention let alone think straight. I needed a hit and Mark was my heroin. Without him, I felt like I’d jump my handsome coworker and ruin my and his entire life. So that was my justification.

There were plenty of times I could’ve been honest: with myself, my husband, my BFF, and my psychiatrist/therapist. I decided to lie to all of them. Wellbutrin was feeding my mania and I was LOVING it! Everything was easier. I was more social, confident, sexy and seductive,  and fun to be around. Life of the party. I felt powerful. Even Mark was starting to fall under my sensuality. As much as I trusted what he said, I figured he was bullshitting me on the compliments and the “God I missed you all day. My cock only gets hard for you now.” Psssh! Just because I’ve only been in one relationship didn’t mean I was naive. I dismissed a lot as foreplay. Didn’t really matter. I got off at work and at home. My mania was under control…or so I thought.

One day work was terrible and I got drunk while cybersexting and I sent him a pic of my ass. I thought it’d be cute to get a reaction. Boy did I get a reaction. No man has ever told me compliments like that! Mark said “Jesus. Fucking. God Almighty! You’re ass is so juicy plump. I wanna fucking worship it. What a God damn beautiful goddess you are. I need. I need to touch and suck and lick every crevice.”

Baby steps. Or should I say a big fucking leap.

After that he insisted on more pics, saying “you’ve already started what’s the harm in more?” I was so stupid. But that wasn’t the worst. He convinced me to move to the app Kik which auto deletes old messages. That, among the laundry list of things I did and said, should’ve been a God damn red flag! But like I said, Jiminy Cricket had apparently taken a vacation and I didn’t resist.

One day we were chatting at work and he wanted a pic of me in my work clothes. He liked it and thought I had the body of a 20 year old. Nice! But after more chatting he wanted a pic to prove I was enjoying his messages. A really dirty pic. Nothing showing my body. But he wanted to know I was…wet. I immediately said no. That pushes it too far. Mark asked if I had a headset. I said yes. He said that some women appreciate his voice over his chats because it’s “low and raspy”. I reluctantly said that I probably shouldn’t. He said “that’s not a no. If I don’t get a no, I’ll send you a sound byte.” I replied with, “I really shouldn’t.” Big. Fucking. Mistake. Mark sent me the clip. He insisted I listen to it now and let him know what I thought. I did. Good. Fucking. God. His voice was so damn SEXY!!!! Manly and confident. Seductive but not dirty. I remember the first thing he said to me because it hit me so hard I orgasmed on the spot. Bipolar orgasm is a thing. Google it.

Baby steps. I was hooked. I melted into a puddle. Mark told me “Mmmff…you look. Absolutely fucking delicious. You look so damn sexy at work Jess.”

My heart stopped. I told him a string of indecipherable ums and ohs and I’m about to faint. He sounded  like the hot guy in a teenage romance movie.

I have to stop this right now. Honestly it’s more for context and less for educational purposes. Essentially, that was what lead to late night Skype sex. Going to bed at 11pm and waking up at 2am to chat until 5am. Head to gym. Doing this for a couple of weeks. I barely slept but my energy levels were never higher.

One fateful morning, he contacted me wanting to meet up. Uh oh. He said he didn’t do married women. At that point he wanted me bad. He pulled out every card in the book. It took an hour and a half and I finally said no. It hurt so bad I grabbed my pillow and screamed hard into it. I wanted him bad. I was fighting an internal war. I was losing. I contacted my BFF and told her everything. The whole truth. Nancy said she could help me cut him off so he wouldn’t try to convince me.

Later that day I cut him off completely by myself to see if I could do it alone. I told him that this escalated to a dangerously high level and I’m afraid I’m going to go too far. Mark thought I was overreacting and joking. I laid it down on him saying we need to stop all contact and let it go. He didn’t want to but he understood. We said our goodbyes and I told him to block me. And I blocked him. Erased all evidence of him. Pics, his sound bytes, my pics, and the apps.

I cried hard. This was after work on a Friday. A Friday before my husband was going to leave on another week-long business trip. I knew if I didn’t end it then that I’d meet up with him and make the fantasy a reality. I couldn’t do that to my husband. It was never meant to go that far. I can’t believe I got so lost in The Forbidden Forest. Every step I took drew me in. And by that time, my compass was only pointing farther in. I had no idea how to get back to where I was.

Baby steps.

I wanna say I cried because of guilt but I think I cried more because I lost Mark and I wasn’t ready for it. Needless to say I cried all the way home. My husband confronts me….and I tell him the story.

He storms out. We had a rocky weekend and he left Sunday for his trip. I was stuck alone at home, no Mark and no hubby. I contacted Nancy and another close friend. I told them I miss Mark and they said they just wanted to support me. They checked on me and made sure I didn’t try to contact Mark again despite the fact that I blocked him and he was supposed to block me. (Spoiler alert: He didn’t!)

I went from all to nothing and felt AWFUL. I was so ashamed of myself. But I still missed Mark. I tried finding resources online about how to get over an affair but nothing really helped.

Fast forward to Labor day weekend. I met up with my psychiatrist and told her the story a week prior and she took me off Wellbutrin and told me to take Klonopin three times a day! She could tell that I not only was still manic but that I wasn’t over Mark and she thought I was gonna try and contact him to meet up. Labor Day weekend she gave me permission to go into the hospital and take some medication to kill my mania but it’d knock me out cold for essentially a day and a half: Zyprexa. Not sure how well this works for other people but it’s powerful and has some nasty side effects. I believed her and refused to take it. I was having too much fun and I believed I wasn’t going to do anything.

Lying became so easy once I hit my highest point. Once my husband found out about the chatting he put parental blocks on my phone. Unfortunately, I’m a scientist and a tech nerd. It wasn’t that hard to override. And I did. I contacted Mark and said I was ready to meet up. That I wanted him more than anything and I’m ready. Mark, who had always told me that he respected me and wanted nothing more than to make me smile, said no initially. He said he knew me and knew how hard I struggled with it the last time he asked. He said he wouldn’t dream of fucking me cause it’d tear me and my marriage apart.

I insisted. I put my foot down and said I needed to experience him in real life. He said no and added that he had “performance issues” with another girl he was really interested in that we had talked about before a few times. I kept telling him he should fuck her. Mark would say he needed to get his sexual frustrations he had toward me out and he hadn’t been laid in months. He told me that I drive him crazy and that I’m always on his mind. That I’ve become his fantasy now.

Psssh. Sounds like bull but whatever. I didn’t believe him at the time. Sounded too convenient and romantic. So I always dismissed stuff like that. But I was determined. So we set up a time when I was at work and met up. I told my husband is had to work late cause something went wrong and the guys at work wanted to play Settlers of Catan and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to ruin friendships  (tip: no one wants your fucking sheep).

So we met up. I spent a good 45 minutes scared to death. Shaking and nervous as hell. It took all my mental concentration to “turn off” my conscience. Then it went off like a rocket. Started with making out. Then second base. Then third base. He would always brag about how good he was at third. That he’d blow my mind and “open up a whole new world in between my legs”. He wasn’t lying. I orgasmed several times. All the low raspy voice dirty talk, the way he moved his hands, the way he used his tongue. It WAS mind-blowing.

Afterwards I felt sick. Actually sick. He tried to tell me that it was all him. I’d not touched him and we agreed to just let him please me. So in a way, he made it seem like I wasn’t to blame. But I let it happen.

Baby steps.

My story is long and won’t fit all the details. Most are unnecessary and most won’t help me get over him. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I still miss him a little but the guilt is stronger than  the memories at this point. He hinted at how much he was falling for me so in a way this affair hurt him as well. Some of the details are here for me to write down and some are my sort of justification to myself that I did indeed get swept up. I wasn’t looking to cheat. I was looking for sexual release. Mark was the exact wrong person at the exact wrong time. It was a terrible mistake. I lied and cheated. I hurt and broke the trust of my best friends and health care professionals. I’m working on rebuilding that along with my marriage. My coworker thankfully is completely out of the picture and was just a side effect of the mania.

No I’m not in contact with Mark and yes I’m not manic anymore. We ended it officially 3 weeks ago. I’m actually surprised I’m able to recount the events without longing or desire. I’m trying to look at it objectively and learn from my mistakes. I’ve also worked closely with my friends and health care professionals to work on a prevention plan. I hope that when my mania comes back, we can get it under control. According to an old 1975 study there is about an average 10 illicit affairs in the lifetime of a bipolar person. I want to make sure mine stays at one.

It’s never worth it. I know that sounds cliché but it’s not. It makes it harder to come back from. Because at the end of the day, you hurt people and the passion won’t last forever. Talk to your partner. Let them know what’s going on in your head. Let them know how you feel. Most importantly: every step you take into The Forbidden Forest, baby steps or leap, it’ll lead you to a dark place. And you may never find your way out; especially if your compass is only pointing further into the woods in the process.

Baby steps.


80 thoughts on “The Forbidden Forest: How My Mania Helped Me Cheat On My Husband

  1. this is neither common nor uncommon .. correct from your side wrong from your husbands .. according to me you should forget everything & just start a fresh life again with your hubby & just tell him to keep u happy & you keep him happy …. Time is the greatest healer… You were not wrong you were just swayed in your desires which were not being fulfilled by your hubby and you should not regret them ….. If it is your fault (lets say 60 %) then he did the rest 40 % fault so its fine as per me … Just focus not to meet the same situation in future because Once it is a mistake but again & again it is a habit …

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Weren’t wrong? Swayed? Don’t get married! Or give your spouse the dignity of divorce first! You have choices! It’s not for better or worse until you’re upset. I’ve never cheated but I’ve done things equally fracked up so I’m not passing moral judgment here, but that sense of entitlement goes along with the grandiosity of bipolar disorder. I know if my wife who has BP reverted back to that selfishness, I’d be gone before God got the news. On the flip side though, if she got symptomatic, she can come to me and tell me and we’ll get her to the doctor. I’m part of her entire treatment plan. Always choices.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glenn, I never wanted to get divorced. Things happened that were beyond my control. I tried as hard as I could to stay faithful to my husband but my brain wouldn’t give me a break. My husband and I don’t want a divorce and never did. He and I want to work this out. We had a fantastic marriage before this happened and now our will be stronger than it ever could be.

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    2. I wish I could judge you, I wish I could say I would never do that, and finally, I wish your story were not identical to my very own. My only downfall was that I became pregnant and had an abortion at week 6. I’ve switched meds and live with the guilt of my one affair and betrayal to not only my husband but myself. I’m a year out and was diagnosed with Bipolar 2; two years ago. Thank you for sharing your story. Best of luck to you. Isn’t it amzazing that we have the power to become our worst enemy…. As well as we have the power to hurt those whom we vowed to love the most. I’ll spare the

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  2. I just want to tell you that i saw you on community pool & i like your blog very much .. & most importantly the courage to tell the truth & & face it & then go right again is the most brilliant thing you have .. keep it up .. & CHILLLLL … its fine ….

    https://livesmilehelp.wordpress.com/
    by the way this is my blog & i hope you will like it … Any suggestions if you have will be warm welcomed ..

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hypersexuality is a symptom of Bipolar Disorder and people have to understand that it’s something beyond our control. It’s like a drug, on the table in front of an addict. You simply can’t stop thinking about it and are unable to resist the temptation. I’ve been married for over 20 years and have a very understanding husband who has researched bipolar over the years and knows the myriad of symptoms I have to battle. I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, and don’t want to use my disorder as an excuse for my actions and choices, but the truth is a very complicated one that starts in my brain chemistry. You are not alone, many of us suffer in silence because of the shame and guilt we feel. I’m always around if you need to talk x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I came back to this post. For some reason I thought how many of us done this? No, really how many? To many. But we never want to tell this kind of story, because we just dont. We prefer to keep things inside forever. Not because this is to bad but because we dont want the world to know…or maybe because we thinking to do it again….
    Thanks for sharing this story jess. This is a lesson to be learned.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading. This post was especially difficult for me to write due to the guilt and shame it brought about but it needed to be written. We know that mental illness affects our behavior but it’s not an excuse. I wrote this so everyone, not just Bipolar people, can see the internal struggle behind something as taboo as sexual addiction. We all make mistakes and we need to balance the illness with accountability. I hope that I can grow and learn from this and refer back to this post when I’m having these internal struggles again.

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  5. This post has saved me. Reading about your experience made me feel like less of a horrible shitbag who must die, and helped me realize that my behavior is not necessarily all my fault. I’d love to talk with you more if you have the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your behavior is a symptom of an illness. You are responsible for your actions but don’t let that beat you up inside. You are fantastic and are doing the best you can. Keep fighting. Every day. Keep fighting. We are all in this battle together. I’ll let you know when I can talk.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I prefer Twitter chats. I feel like it’s quicker and more convenient than email. That and I hate a billion long email trains. If that’s OK. If not, we can email. Lemme know what you think.

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  6. Hi,
    I met you on Jason’s blog at his Meet and Greet. I am Janice, a friend of Jason’s. You indicated you were new. I help new bloggers at my site. Tips for engaging readers, improving content, and increasing traffic are waiting for you. I brought you the link to my About page, so you can read about my blog
    http://wp.me/P6x6vQ-89
    Like Jason, I have regular Meet and Greets. I also offer three free incentives for signing up. Nice to meet you.
    Janice

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  7. You have a flair for writing your inner feelings in a manner that a lot of people will connect to. I kinda sense after reading all of your experiences that there is a writer within you screaming to be let out. As I deal in humor, because that’s what screams to get out in me, I think you should explore actually putting your emotions and feelings into book form. Humor in my writing is an outlet for me, as I think sex and your inner feelings could be an outlet for you to really write a great book. Just think about it for a sec. Writing a story on emotions and desires with all that you have buried within you. Might also be a way of channeling those sexual desires. Just a thought. : )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you so much misfit120! I’m thrilled that you can follow along on my mental “journey”. Sometimes I feel like only I can understand how I think 🙂 (it’s crazy jumbled in here!) As for your writer comment, it has occurred to me to write it all out in a book form; and people have mentioned it to me before. But I always brush it off because I suck at grammar and syntax and I’m not a huge book reader so I feel like there are writers out there that deserve to be heard more than me. However, when you said that “there is a writer within you screaming to be let out”…I’m starting to actually believe it. It would be a great outlet and there is so much more I want to say on this topic that wouldn’t fit into a reasonable blog post :-D.

      You seem like you have a lot of faith in me.I think now I will actually look into it. Thank you again for your encouraging words.

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  8. This must have been a tough post to write Jess. I read it all and appreciate your rawness. I don’t suffer from BPD (my cross to bear is OCD), but I had a girlfriend in the mid 90s and I wonder sometimes if she suffered from BPD herself. Thank you for the insights.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It wasn’t easy. I still look at it occasionally and think, “Wow. That actually happened. To me!” But the thing is the disorder is overpowering and almost uncontrollable at times. That is something I hope I conveyed in this story because this is actually a real STRUGGLE for many Bipolars when we are in Manic. Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope this opens up a new perspective in the disorder for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow. This was a great read and hyper sexuality is REAL. I beat myself up for so long about a similar experience, even after a few years I still beat myself up about how I could have even contemplated doing such a thing and almost ruining what I had with my husband. Thank you for posting this. More people should come forward, talking helps! Easier said than done of course.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly was scared to death to come out and tell my story for fear of the backlash. But I told myself if there are people out there that really struggle with this, then I need to be the voice that steps up and lets my story be known.

      Listen to me. Please please stop beating yourself up for this. I mean it. No amount of chastising will change the past. It happened. If you don’t forgive yourself and say I screwed up but it’s over then you’ll never get over it. I know what it feels like. To tell yourself you failed. But you need to shut that voice out. You are a strong person. A human being. You made/will make mistakes. Don’t let that consume you. Take care of yourself and if you ever need to talk I’m here.

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  10. I just found this blog post via bphope and am so pleased to have read it. I won’t say much other than I recognise what you went through. It feels so right at the time. Since you wrote this a year ago, I’m very curious as to how things are working out now, because I’m still very early in the process and could do with some guidance.

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    1. Hi there! Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you were able to find me on bphope. Yeah things were rocky last year. I ended up cutting him off completely. I haven’t contacted him or anything. It’s rough because a part of me still really wants to. But I try and keep myself occupied when that happens. If you want, please feel free to email me or DM me on Twitter. I don’t know if I can help but I’ll definitely try.

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  11. Each “baby step” was brought on by a conscious choice on your part. Because you are an intelligent and educated woman you knew that sexting with a strange man was already a betrayal to your husband. This is akin to a chronic alcoholic choosing to enter a bar with friends and deceiving herself that she will be able to control her cravings, and that she will have the discipline to avoid getting intoxicated by only sipping one drink during her entire stay at the bar. Ludicrous, right?

    I am not condemning you at all but to point out to you that by taking full responsibility of your actions in not labeling them as a “mistakes” and instead acknowledging them for what they truly are, “bad choices/decisions”, you empower yourself to avoid breaking important boundaries (refusing to take your meds and communicating with other men behind your husband’s back). Even spouses who are not bipolar have fallen into affairs by following the same “baby steps” you followed. In fact, ALL of us can potentially become unfaithful spouses.

    I wish you and your husband best in your personal recoveries as well as your marital recovery.

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    1. Joseph, perhaps you’re not a BP sufferer. If that’s the case you may not be able to understand how BP amplifies actions beyond what someone would normally do by removing inhibitions. Believe me, when manic (and when depressed, in the other direction) you take actions which you eventually look back on with horror even though they feel quite acceptable at the time. As my psychiatrist explained to me, someone with a desire towards cars will buy cars when manic, towards stamps will buy stamps…. it’s that amplification of what’s already there beyond normal boundaries. Yes, it may be inadvisable but at the time it feels normal. It’s hard to explain to a non-sufferer but I hope this helps a little.

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  12. Thank you for sharing this. I can attest firsthand to what you experienced, right down to the Welbutrin. I was misdiagnosed with just depression so I had no mood stabilizer, and I was taking a second antidepressant along with Welbutrin. My hypersexuality and total inability to stop the internal torture led to a string of sexual encounters and affairs outside of my marriage. My husband tried his best to forgive one he learned of, then two I admitted to. I was working so hard to stay faithful, but I didn’t know what I was even battling, so it just kept getting worse. I was leading a double life with no thought of consequences, completely out of character for a happily married person with a perfect husband (he really was) and two great kids, a good job…in 2013 alone I think I had 13 different sexual partners, I would have 2 in a single day, I was just so ill. And I had no idea why i couldn’t stop; a tiny voice inside me kept trying to say stop, this will destroy your life, but the screaming madness of mania drowned it out every time. Very long story short, my husband learned of just one more affair (to this day he has no idea how very ill I was thank God) and demanded I move out of our home, he was done. 6 months later I was finally diagnosed and started a mood stabilizer that saved my life, but it was too late-my marriage was destroyed. I had a perfect life, a husband of 27 years, the respect of my children and family-all gone. This illness is a monster. In my opinion, every doctor that is licensed to prescribe an antidepressant should be required to monitor for signs of MANIA, if my doctor would just have asked me a couple of the right questions vs. just renewing my scrips and hearing me say “I’m great”, my life may not be the shattered mess it is now. The lack of information specifically about mania and hypersexuality is destroying lives. We need to talk and keep talking so maybe others won’t have to suffer.

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    1. Susan! First and foremost I want to say thank you for reaching out and commenting on my post. As painful as it is, I’m so glad to hear more stories about bipolar and mania. It makes me and others feel like they are not alone. That being said, it does break my heart to heart that your marriage wasn’t able to survive the mania. I have to admit, mine was on a very thin piece of ice. This is the reason I wanted to tell my story. Just like you said, we need to talk and KEEP TALKING so others don’t suffer the way we did. It has to end and I’m leading the charge to make it stop! I won’t stop until the stigma associated with hypersexuality is done and gone. Thanks again for reaching out and take care of yourself.

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  13. So as someone with Bipolar, maybe you can help me understand my bipolar wife. She has cheated on me with two different men (that I’m aware of) and has had some explicit conversations with other men, to include sesrching for men on Craigslist. My question is how much of the extramarital stuff can be attributed to BP? She has made many attempts to maintain contact with one guy in particular (she was talking to before she even met me, but he blew her off initally) that she had an affair with and swore she stopped talking to him. Mind you, I believe that she had a few manic episodes during the first couple times she cheated, but since seeing a therapist together back in December 2015, I believed it had resolved or almost-resolved. Still, she would always do what she could to keep talking to this one guy. Based on the coversations, I think she is just attracted to him, but she chalks all the sexual talk with him to the BP… Honestly, I think she is full of s**t. How can I tell if she is lying when she uses that excuse? I honestly just want a divorce now because of all the lying AFTER I had forgiven her for everything up until that therapist appointment, but I guess I just wantbto be sure if it is the BP or she just has no regard for me anymore.

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    1. Ryan. This is a complicated situation and I don’t want to encourage or discourage you in any way. In my opinion, it sounds like she is having trouble fighting the temptation to talk to this guy. Whether or not it’s bipolar related depends on if she is only doing it while manic. It’s hard to say. If she is remorseful and stops talking to him when she comes down off the high of mania, then I’d say it’s probably the bipolar. Now, that doesn’t mean you need to just accept it and not let it bother you. If it bothers you and you feel like you can’t take it anymore then you need to do what’s best for you. Your wife and you are obviously very committed to trying to fix this and help her not give in to her temptations. And she CAN stop. No matter how difficult it is. I know exactly how hard it is to stop. So if she won’t commit 100% to stopping this, then maybe you guys need to look into separating. I wouldn’t give up just yet. If she has any questions or needs to talk, my info is on my Contact page.

      Hope this helps. Good luck to you both.

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      1. It actually seems like she can avoid contact until HE contacts her, in which case she responds. Honestly, I think she just can’t resist the attention. Maybe I don’t give her enough, but I try to do what I can between work, school, taking care of the pets and our daughter while she stays home and battles her chronic migraines or depressive episodes. I would chalk it up to mania, but she talks to him differently in that she will express how pictures of him can get her “turned on”. I guess I don’t feel like she wants to quit, as I have asked her to stop talking to certain people associated with an affair or explicit conversation, but she will do it again after a couple weeks. It feels like I’m just waiting to find out about another affair every few months. I’m sure the bipolar is unfair to her, but being collateral damage isn’t fair to me.

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      2. No being collateral damage isn’t fair to you. It isn’t for my husband as well. Your wife and I are the same when it comes to the attention thing. Whenever my affair person tries to contact me I feel like I have to respond. I’ve cut him off numerous times but I fall back into it. I’m not perfect but I still keep fighting. It sucks that the mania is causing a rift between you and your wife. It’s so hard right now recovering from my past actions. My husband is taking it one day at a time. But I will do anything I can to avoid another affair. I’d suggest going to couple’s therapy if that’s not already what you guys did to see what’s lacking in the sexual part of your relationship. It may help. It brought me and my husband closer.

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  14. I’m almost always ready to have sex. I let her know when she has turned me on and I tell her how much she arouses me. Either way, we have sex when she wants, which is roughly once a month. She will just not want sex until about a month has passed, in which case she will initiate it also. Afterwards, it’s back to once a month, no matter how much we enjoy or I please her. I chalk it up to the antidepressants, but now I have no clue. I want sex all the time and love to cuddle, but she hates it now since the antideprassants (and trust me, she really does need the antideprassants).

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  15. So either way, you have to really try not to do it, but the urge is always there, depsite possible ramifications? Then it sounds like it really comes down to her wanting to cease contact or wanting to keep it up. Then it puts me in a tough spot, since she he worked diligently to maintain contact at times with the other dudes, regardless of my feelings. I just want to be able to figure out if she is with me because I provide a comfortable life or is she with me because, deep down, she loves me still. Telling me the other guys were just for sex still doesn’t make me feel great about it happening. And the fact she kept talking to them makes me feel worse.

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  16. I left a reply on your the blog before explaining how it was written in such a way where I didn’t feel like a complete monster anymore, however after reading this I am crying because I am basically reading my life with different details of course. I really love your writing and I feel like I am not the only one anymore. I have not told any close friend the details of what I have done because I am so ashamed and it feels really good to know that I am not alone.

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    1. Hi Carmen. Thank you so much for reaching out to me and giving me a little glimpse into your diagnosis story. I’m sure it’s been so hard with you. What with trying to stay faithful to your husband. I know the feeling. It’s so hard to stop. I’m going through some temptation as well right now so it’s hard but at least we aren’t alone. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Just keep trying to do the right thing.

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  17. Jess, I am the husband of a woman newly diagnosed with BP and I have just gone through an episode as the “husband”…I am grieving the loss of trust and incredible sense of pain and betrayal. My wife and I have always had a rich and varied sex life but after 27 years it got a little stale so we reached out to experiment. Unfortunately for us, even with our supposed enlightened attitude and constant commmunication, she still DELIBERATELY crafted a scenario to cheat. She claims regret and tells me she is sorry but she’s also parading around telling all our family that she not only cheated but that she was coerced into it! A counselor friend of mine says this is classic attention seeking victim hood that BP sufferers have. We also talked a little about hyper sexuality such as she had when we were young. He says that people with growing BPD exhibit many of the same sexual activities that I previously described as “rich”, i.e. lots of sex, toys, an involved fantasy life that grows increasingly involved, and then sometimes into the swinger mindset before it can be recognized and treated.

    There are a lot more details to this story that are too involved to put in this short message but suffice it to say what was once an incredible enjoyable part of our life has suddenly turned into a mental disorder symptom and now our relationship and marriage will end over this.

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    1. Hi Bill. I’m so incredibly sorry that your relationship will end over this. I’m sure your wife must be taking this hard. There isn’t any easy way to deal with BP. It’s a mental illness that can destroy lives. I’m not sure calling it Attention seeking is the best way to put it but I guess for some people with bipolar it can be. Is it too late to try couple’s therapy? There might still be a way to salvage your relationship.

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    2. I won’t go into details here but just to say that what looks deliberate is actually the mania acting. It really feels impossible to stop and is very compatible with also being coerced. I don’t know your details but if you can accept that coercion (or at least strong temptation) is a reasonable explanation in the face of hypersexualised mania then hopefully all is not lost. Certainly I would not find useful the comments of a therapist who is not fully engaged in the therapy and aware of all the facts.

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      1. The “coersion” part involves her explaination for the sexual activity. She is claiming she felt like she was not getting enough attention from me…..although not in the least true….but I do have to work full time……she is using irrational explanations and obtuse connections of disparate events to attempt to justify her behavior by trying to blame shift. I’m told this is a classic BPD symptom.

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      2. It’s not true but it’s true in her mind. These obsessions with other people are forms of delusions. My wife had an affair with a engaged coworker (whose fiancé also worked with them!) for a month or two and thought he was the love of her life and was going to move to peru and live in a Bungalow with him. He was just using her as a slam piece and once she crashed into depression labeled her as crazy and a slut. We stayed together but it was (is) extremely difficult. She was blame shifting, remorseless, and justifying everything until she got on the right meds and her frontal cortex kicked back online (the part of the brain that controls empathy, judgement, reasoning, and risk/reward). I would NOT have stayed had they not diagnosed her with Bipolar because she was sick and all this was very out of character. I will NOT stay through another affair, blame dodging, or manipulation.

        I’m sorry this is happening to you. This is a horrible disease. You need to draw ROCK SOLID boundaries in a relationship with someone with mental illness, otherwise there will be no boundaries and you’ll be blamed for everything, put up with affairs, obsessions, reckless spending of money, lies, pathological manipulation, you name it. This is greatly reduced and can be managed with treatment and you’ll see more of the person you fell in love with because they’re brain will be functioning properly.

        There’s no excuse for cheating. Not if you weren’t showing her enough attention, not if the spark was gone, not if you worked to much, or if you were arguing. No excuse. Those are legitimate problems but it gives the other person the option to talk to you about it, seek couples counseling, or leave. Not start another relationship, PERIOD. Don’t accept excuses and don’t expect her to like it if shes manic. Don’t enable her. If she doesn’t want to get into treatment, then it’ll never work. I’m truly sorry.

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  18. Wow, have you been in my house?!…have you been listening and watching the last 5 years of my life?!…..In the struggles of the moment it seems like NO ONE can see my struggle or understand what I have been struggling with……it is incredibly refreshing and, honestly, depressing, at the same time to see that my struggle is not alone with this. I wish she could understand how much I love her, my wife, the woman I married, the incredible mother and wonderful wife, when she is “here” and how much I hate those other people she becomes in the throes of this disease. You are absolutely correct about boundaries, etc….and my logical mind hears you and knows you are absolutely correct…..but my heart hurts so much for not only my own pain, but the pain our adult and teen age children are going through as well. This can ONLY END one way but the road ahead is going to be so painful and hurt so many people that I am seriously considering caving in and ceding the control and power to her……if only to stay around long enough to get my teenagers stabilized and out of school (about 3-4 years)…but who knows how long she will stay stable…….
    I guess the other perspective is really my feelings….even though I just mentioned how much I love my “wife”…..with this diagnosis and the coping skills I have been given in the last three weeks…..I have been told by the counselors that I have to change my perspective…..they say that my stress and the stresses in our life are because I have maintained an expectation that she will always act rationally and every time she disappoints me by acting irrationally it causes stress, etc…they say I need to adapt a new perspective, one that DOES NOT expect rational behavior ……this way I will not be so disappointed and hurt when she does what I should then expect her to do…..Honestly, from that perspective I have no desire for her…..my entire mindset goes from “husband” to “caretaker”…..I can see that if I go down that path I will lose all emotional connection to her…..and I frankly do not want to do that…….

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  19. Sorry, I am typing too fast and too many emotions and thoughts are crowding my mind to get them out in a rational manner……When I said “I do not want to do that….”, I meant that I do not want to become a “care taker” ….I know the emotional connection is really at its breaking point as I am ready to leave….and frankly, I would have left already if it weren’t for the children that are still in the house……

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  20. I’m was in the caretaker role for awhile and still am to some extent. The plan was always I help her get the tools to help herself and get stabilized. She’s stable and nothing like she was when she was manic. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t lost feelings and we’re, 3 years after the mania, still rebuilding trust. I have ptsd and daily panic attacks from everything during that time.

    Her and I were friends since we were teenagers and are in our 30s now. If it was anyone else I would have been gone in a heartbeat after even a fraction of the abuse, but everything was SO out of character and she was in desperate need of help that I stayed. I’m not trying to be a victim, it was my choice to stay. I also stayed because im in the behavioral health field and understand how much diseases of the brain can affect someone.

    Eventually in marriages someone inevitably gets sick and someone becomes a caretaker, but mental illness is in a league of its own. It’s caretaking someone who lies to your face and cheats on you (due to improper functioning of the brain, primarily the frontal lobe) and at times literally won’t care if you live or die if the neurons that control empathy are malfunctioning, which they will do in a bad manic episode. (I’m saying this from a medical perspective. The sufferers of bipolar aren’t monsters)

    Medications are a must and NON NEGOTIABLE. No meds, no marriage. The illness WILL manifest itself more frequently and with more intensity without the protection of the proper mood stabilizer (i.e. Lithium) due to a phenomenon called the kindling effect. Each episode “grooves” the same neurological pathways making the disease worse. This is greatly reduced with meds. Without meds, it will get worse. There’s no if or maybe. That’s the progression of the disease.

    Also, NO alcohol, and no street drugs. Alcohol negates the effects of the medication and makes the disease FAR worse. It’s a form of self medication.

    Remember, the way shes acting is because of a horrible, horrible disease, not because of you.

    YOU didn’t cause it
    YOU can’t control it
    YOU can’t fix it
    YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER BEHAVIOR

    You can help her, but only if she agrees to help. There’s a condition called anosognosoa that effects some people with bipolar where they literally can’t have insight into what they’re doing when manic. It’s the same process in the brain that fails in people with alzheimers. That makes getting a lot of sufferers help very difficult during mania. Insight should return when they’re stabilized on the proper meds.

    People contribute both good and bad to a relationship. Those bad things don’t give the other person the right to abusive behavior (cheating, raging, blaming shifting, “gaslighting” manipulation are abuse, and obviously physical and verbal abuse)

    Please don’t let your children think this is normal. Please don’t show them it’s ok to accept that behavior because consciously or subconsciously, they’ll accept the same kind of behavior from someone else.

    Again, I’m not trying to villianize anyone with this horrible disease. No one asks for this. No family asks for this, and it’s absolutely devastating.

    I know you love your wife. My best advice for you is continue to visit support groups (online here, md junction, or if nami runs one in your area) and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Physically, emotionally, and nutritionally. Exercise, get yourself therapy, eat healthy. There’s no virtue in being macho and not accepting help. Also, and this is CRUTIAL, learn about the facts of the illness from a medical perspective as much as you can. Read papers from doctors, studies, and the science of it. You’re not becoming a doctor but if nothing else you can get a better understanding and some answers to the questions that I’m sure have been spinning in your head since everything went south with your wife.

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  21. I love my girlfriend with all my heart and all my soul. We are both alcoholics me recovering and her not yet. She also is bipolar and cheated and broke it off and then did it again with the same guy. Supposedly off again but I do not trust her when she tells me they have had no contact. I want to believe her when she says what we have is special and it is on my end. Being a recovering person I have more room for empathy and understanding and patience. I guess the other way of saying that is i am just more codependent !!! Lol. I am just concerned she lied 100% to my face the time she got back with this guy and to the best of my knowledge she has not cut off all forms of communicating with this guy. I feel she is sending us Botha message by not doing this. I trust her but not mania her. She has not been willing to go see her mental doctor to look at meds. Won’t go back to AA to look at stopping the drinking. Being Christmas Day I am scared the fat pathetic lonely asshole she connetted with she will hear from him today. She gave me access to her by borrowing my computer and emailing this asshole. So just because they are not emailing on that account does not mean they are not communicating. The one thing that helped reading what you wrote was I can see if she does this hyper sexual stuff is not really her saying she does not love me. I just do not know what to do moving forward because I know in part what I am signing up for and part I do not. Just not sure what I can say to her about her trying and what boundaries can realistically be set. I am still not sure if contacting the fat lonely loser is a good idea telling him I am watching and if he chooses not to cut all forms of communication he is inviting me to come see if he can be pursusded in person. By the way he has been diagnosed bipolar too. Anyway any insight would be appreciated. Scott

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    1. I know I’m not who you asked but I’ll take a crack at answering your question.

      Yes, porn addiction can be a sign of mania because it falls under the umbrella of hypersexuality which is a hallmark symptom of mania. I say can be because porn addiction can be a sign of other problems outside bipolar, but it’s entirely possible. Did it just come out of the blue? Was there sexual issues before? Is this a long standing pattern of behavior? Were there other behaviors that happened around this time such as irritability, lack of sleep (with lots of energy), pressured speech (motormouth), blaming, or lack of insight to their behavior/lack of remorse? Not all of these have to happen to qualify it as a manic episode but I always look for clusters of behavior that signify that the frontal cortex (behavioral center of the brain) isn’t working.

      Proper diagnosis and medication is essential. It’s not an option. No meds = no relationship. Bipolar relationships can work but frequently don’t. It’s not worth being in a relationship with someone who’s mentally ill unless they’re taking care of themselves, otherwise prepare to be destroyed and give up all your hopes and dreams for someone who uses you as a pawn.

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  22. 2 years ago, I found out my wife had sex with 8 different men over the period of 15 months. she was diagnosed w ADHD 5 months after disclosure.

    I spend lots of time on infidelity forums online , but ive yet to read any story that comes close to mine. the only story that ive read that is similar deals w a wife who was suffering from Bipolar Hyperexuality. we have been to many different individual therapists, and a marriage counselor. two therapists have told us that my wife is “not a sex addict, because she doesn’t fit the profile, and that she is not bipolar, not borderline, nor a sociopath”.

    thing is, no story I have read regarding serial cheating, multiple affairs, types of affairs, etc….fits our story.
    the only stories I have read that really fit, are those that deal w bipolar hypersexuality

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    1. Hi K. Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry you and your wife are going through all this. I can imagine how frustrating it is to be searching vigorously for an answer and not getting anywhere. There is a reason for your wife’s behavior. It may or not be sex addiction or bipolar hypersexuality. I can’t say and there really isn’t a solid definition in this area. There is a lot we don’t know about the brain and how it’s chemistry works. Maybe the therapists you have seen aren’t familiar with this type of behavior and are reluctant to classify it as bipolar or sex addiction. I don’t know. Is there any consensus between what the different therapists are saying? Has there been issues like stress or financial stuff that’s triggered your wife to act like this? I’d recommend sitting down and really digging deep to find the answer. I hope this helps.

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      1. Jess,
        Ye there was a lot of stress prior to her before she began acting out sexually. she moved around between lots of jobs, decided to go back to school, got another job, quit that, got another job, We had been trying to conceive for years, and she was finally pregnant. we had twins, and she quit her job when they were 8 months old or so, to stay home and take care of them. lot of stress. during the same time , the first 5 years of our kids life, I had to have multiple operations which kept me out of commission and on daily pain killers. we drifted apart and didn’t realize it as we were focused on being parents, not on being a couple. sex dwindled to 5 times in 5 years. we didn’t communicate and we didn’t share our sadness about the state of affairs with one another. she was only diagnosed w ADHD 6 months post dday, so there were a lot of things she would say and do that would alienate people, friends, family and me. she lost lots of frienships due to her undiagnosed adhd as wl. I think I shut down emotionally, and I think she did as well. at one point in the summer right before she started the hypersxual behabior, she gave me the I love you but I am not in Love with you speech. she goes away w a friend of hers, and has first text contact w her own “Mark”. she comes home and she is a changed person. we end up having sex 55 times in 60 days. hell, I think we both became hypomanic and hyperexual. I remem ber bathing my kids one evening , and all of sudden that hypersex feeling I had for the past 2 months just stopped…. unbeknownst to me, my wife was just getting started, and moved on to a second guy, and after that started hunting guys down on craigslist and Ashley Madison. she would text the 1st guy daily thru out the entire 15 months of hypersexual behavior. she’d masterbatre often, watch mporn, even had an orgasm with no physical touching at one point. there are lots of parts of your story that resonate w our story

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      2. You’re right when you say there are a lot of similarities between our stories. If your wife truly is bipolar, then her behavior should only manifest itself when she is in a state of mania. Otherwise, she should be experiencing really depressive lows such that she gets suicidal thoughts and inability to perform basic tasks. If that’s the case, then your wife needs to be reevaluated and get on bipolar medication ASAP. Now, I’m not a doctor. This is only my opinion from what I read about your story. It could also be that her body is just reacting from all the pent up stress from all those years of not having sex and she is just seeking male validation. I’m not sure if that’s the case or not. And the problem with labeling is it can confuse the situation more. For example, you mentioned that you think you became hypomanic and hypersexual. I doubt that. Hypomania is a term used to describe feelings of elation in people who are bipolar. Hypersexual doesn’t mean you get super horny. This is a huge misconception. It’s a powerful, addictive feeling of obligation to sexually act out. It’s almost uncontrollable. There are resources on bpHope.com that talk about hypersexuality and what it is. I think it would be helpful for you and your wife to look through the articles and see if it still matches. I’m terribly sorry that you guys are going through all this. Marriage issues are tough to overcome especially when it comes to sex. I wish you guys the best and look forward to hearing about your progress.

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  23. HI Jess, thanks for replying. We’ve both been digging and working and going to therapy. She says that it was a “high”. she says it never was the actual sex being the hit, but the hit and high was the hunting, pursuing, texting, sexting, dressing, getting ready to go out and meet up, it was all the lead up, and while it always ended in sex, she says it wasn’t the sex that was the rush….it was everything leading up to the sex…. it was the way she felt from the things the guys texted her or said to her….they way she would dress up to be noticed, even if was going out to the store. she was glued to her phone…the first guy, she texted daily for 15 months…. he was also encouraging her and her bff to hookup w men…. she said she never climaxed w any of the guys, and that it wasn’t the pursuit of an orgasm that drove her to solicit these guys….. still not sure what it was…. or how to diagnose. some of my therapists have cautioned me to let go of the need to DSM and diagnose it, because there may never be an answer. ive read definitions of the 5 or 6 or 7 types of affairs, and hers don’t match up with them. when I read the story of folks who suffered thur hypersexuality due to biplor…. thats when I read things and think ..”ah ha….this sounds much more of a fit”

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  24. I am so glad I found this post. I too suffer from bipolar and hyper sexuality. At the moment I am manic and my sexual appetite is in overdrive. My husband doesn’t like sex and it’s driving me insane to the point where I am now fantasising about my friends husband. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband dearly but the urge to wander is so intense that it’s an ache, an unquenchable thirst to have sex with him. I find myself so distracted fantasising and day dreaming about him, obsessing over him and I know deep down it’s so wrong but I just can’t help myself. It doesn’t help that he is also a flirt and calls me behind my friends back. I’ve been trawling the internet for some kind of coping mechanism to get rid of these urges. It scares the hell out of me to think about what I could be capable of doing. Thank you for writing this post as hard as it must have been for you. It has really helped me to see I’m not the only one who suffers from these feelings and uncontrollable urges.

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting! I’m so glad this has helped you. It was a very vulnerable piece for me to write. But you’re right. We need to tell our stories so that way we can let others know they’re not alone.

      What I do want to say is this: don’t do anything outside your marriage unless you have permission from your husband. It’ll make it worse, trust me! And the thirst gets stronger once you get a taste.

      Be careful and in here if you need to talk.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. I had no idea until today that hypersexuality was part of mania. I’m simultaneously relieved and worried. I am in hypomania right now and I spent all last night in a virtual sex world. My wife woke up for work (I teach so I’m not reporting at 8am) and asked me what was wrong, why I didn’t come to bed. I didn’t know how to reply. Thank you for sharing this story, I notice it’s been a couple of years, but I uncovered it during my research. I know this couldn’t have been an easy piece to write, and I hope that I can start reversing the baby steps that I have taken and get this under control before it becomes an even more concrete issue.

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  26. I broke up with my boyfriend last 2 months due to many misunderstandings i was fighting so hard to get him back. none of his friends would give me any information about him. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get him back then a friend recommended me to contact dr_mack@yahoo. com that he will help me and as my friend said, Dr_mack helped me to bring back my boyfriend just in 3 days, I now have him back and this is the biggest joy of my life

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  27. I am trying to understand this. Do the consequences of your actions not out way the pleasure you are getting? If you are on the verge all the time with sleeping with someone else other than your spouse, then why would you put them through this emotional roller coaster? Would it not be better to divorce them and set them free than to have them always wondering what you are doing and thinking? I personally would divorce them so that they could find someone who has more self control. You have said that Mark was a young HOT guy, who knew how to do everything right. So you are telling us that he was more attractive than your husband and was better in bed than your husband. Your husband will always feel like a BETA male that cant satisfy his woman. At least that is my thought process. I know you say that you cant control it, but if it is like you say it is, then I feel really sorry for you. I do. Im trying to understand myself so if I come off as uncaring I apologize.

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    1. Of course you sound uncaring. How else do you think this comment comes off? Look, self-control is an issue when I’m manic. That’s when I have all these issues. I don’t wish to drag my husband through this emotional rollercoaster but I also don’t think it’s fair to not allow me to have a relationship with my husband because of something that can be medically controlled. And no, unfortunately the consequences don’t stop me. I wish they did. I wouldn’t be struggling with this if they did. So instead of rubbing sand in my wounds I’d appreciate some advice or help with this so it’s not an issue anymore in my marriage.

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    2. Hogwash. Just because something is said that’s hard to hear doesn’t mean it’s wrong or uncaring. Chrisstro IS caring a lot for your husband and putting himself in his shoes. It’s called empathy. He’s just not making excuses. I’m the husband of a bipolar spouse and I can personally say that I would MUCH rather be left then ever find out she was cheating again. If I find out shes lying or not taking care of herself, or posting smut about her affair on the internet for validation from strangers, I’d leave her faster than God got the news. You write about your obsession like it’s soft core porn and say how much you can’t control it but eat up every bit of enabling the strangers give you on these boards. If I couldn’t control myself, I’d divorce my wife so she could be happy, not drag an obviously codependent person down with me. Chrisstro, as someone whos been on the receiving end of this, you have nothing to apologize for. Go to the spouses of people with bipolar support group on mdjunction and see how the spouses end up. Devastated, abandoned, with PTSD and crippling debt. I’d rather be alone with a dog. Or a fish. Or nothing. All of which are better than being with someone you’ll never trust, bipolar or not.

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      1. Glenn, some spouses are more ready to forgive than others when they know the true situation in the privacy of their own marriage. Try not to judge others when you don’t have the full picture, because we never really know what the other person is actually going through in their life.

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      2. I don’t know every detail of what happened, but 1) I know alot because she blogs about it and 2) I understand the process of bipolar mania. My wife went manic several years before she did and the argument could be made that I’m further along in the grieving process. I’ve also been the understanding husband. Also, I’m in the mental health field and have worked with many people with diseases of the prefrontal cortex. You might find me terribly insensetive but let me tell you, as someone who has been down this path, and seen others walk it, the only solution for the healthy partner is to set rock solid boundaries. There’s a reason it’s a 90% divorce rate. Bipolar damages the same behavioral areas of the brain that you would see damaged in a meth or cocaine addict. If you had a drug addict in the house, and allowed them to make excuses and stay there through unacceptable behavior, then you’re enabling them. It’s the same thing as a person who’s manic. And YES, I absolutely understand and agree that a truely manic person has no judgment or insight. No it’s not their fault. Yes they feel guilt when they’re stable (unless they’re also a narcissist). But that doesn’t mean that you support them and allow their behaviors to run rampant if they refuse to get help.

        I was responding to the comment by Chrisstro regarding the perspective of the husband. I gave an honest response as the perspective of a husband. A bipolar treatment plan includes;
        Regular medication, mood charting, regular therapy and doctor (pdoc, NOT pcp) visits, sleep hygiene (going to bed and getting up at the same time) eating right, avoiding alcohol/street drugs and exercising. All of those things. My wife knows that if she doesn’t do these things and goes manic, I’ll leave her. If she DOES do these things, then I’ll absolutely stand by her. But someone with a severe mental illness, who isn’t in treatment, is incapable of keeping their vows. You might read that and go wow, what an ass, but it doesn’t make it not true.

        If you have a public blog, you’re going to get opinions that you may not agree with. I’m not Jess’s husband, but most spouses end up where I’m at. If not after one episode then the next, or the next. I’ve read about it, I’ve seen it, and I’ve lived it.

        And Jess, don’t call someone insensitive for judging your adultury when you blog about it. No, maybe you weren’t in control, but if you get run over by a bus, does it make you less run over if you knew the bus driver has vision problems? Chrisstro gave an honest assessment and honest questions for what it might be like to be on the receiving end.

        Think I’m a gigantic jerk, but follow that treatment plan, otherwise your husband WILL end up where so many of us are already at, and you’ll wish you’d listened to that jerk on the internet who kept responding to your blog and wouldn’t let sleeping dogs lie.

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  28. Jess, all that I can do is pray for you and your husband, and if you havnt been praying then I would suggest that you start. I know that Jesus would not abandon you or cast you out and I will try and understand people that I have this problem. I feel for your husband in all this too.

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  29. Hi Jess,
    I was recently diagnosed with bipolar ll after having a traumatic bout of mania that caused my boyfriend of 10 years to break up with me. I’ve had depression for most of my life and in hindsight several bouts of mania, but was not treated for it. During my manic phases I’d spend a lot of money-charge unnecessary things and had hypersexuality. At first the sex was just with my boyfriend, then I went back to an ex years ago. But this past year was my worst case of mania. I slept with 5 other guys without thinking of consequences. I couldn’t hear my conscience. The rush and attention felt so good. When I came down from it, I felt so ashamed and regretted everything I’d done. I confessed to my boyfriend and he broke up with me. He says he still loves me, but is so hurt. We’re trying to start over from beginning as friends. I wish he’d understand that I didn’t want to do all that; I didn’t have control at the time. I let my disease take over. My behavior during my last manic phase made me think differently- I do have a problem and I need help. I spent the summer thinking about my actions and still have trouble forgiving myself for what I had done. In my right mind I’d never hurt him like that. Now, I am taking medication and starting to take control of my disease. I just want to get better and hopefully get back together with my boyfriend, who I love with all of my heart.
    Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can understand the uncontollable urge that BP sufferers have to deal with but the problem i have with most of the stories i read about is the action are calculating and repeated.
      It’s not like you make s poor judgement whilst drunk.
      Most BP sufferers i have known seem to repeat these behaviours and have s harem of people they use for sex.
      Lack of control is understandable but lack of accountability is most common with people suffering BP.
      The repeated behaviour pattern suggests that it’s a calculated decision to act out.
      People would judge differently if the disorder caused you to murder someone.
      Glad to see things are working out for you as you have been honest and true to yourself.
      Must be hard working through this illness.
      Good luck.

      Liked by 1 person

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