Trapped In The Fog: A Compass Spinning Out Of Control!

Pocahontas: “Well, I’m running through the woods, and then right there in front of me is an arrow. As I look at it, it starts to spin!”

Grandmother Willow: “A spinning arrow? How unusual!”

Pocahontas: “Yes, it spins faster and faster and faster… until, suddenly, it stops.”

Grandmother Willow: “Well, it seems to me this spinning arrow is pointing you down your path.”

Pocahontas: “But, Grandmother Willow, what is my path? How am I ever going to find it?”

Grandmother Willow: “Ha ha. Your mother asked me the very same question.”

Pocahontas: “She did? What did you tell her?”

Grandmother Willow: ” I told her to listen. All around you are spirits, child. They live in the earth, the water, the sky. If you listen, they will guide you.”

{…} Pocahontas: “I don’t understand”

Grandmother Willow: “Que que na-to-ra, You will understand, Listen with your heart, You will understand.”

[Pocahontas (1995 film) ]

Ready. Set. Sail!

In case you have been living under a rock (or on a deserted island) for the past 20 years, you may have heard of a fantastic Disney animated classic called Pocahontas. If you haven’t, go find it somewhere in stores and watch it, please! I’m not about to go into detail about the plot. The one interesting part of the movie that is sticking with me right now is the whole idea of Pocahontas’s dream. She goes to Grandmother Willow with advice on this strange dream she has been having about a weird “spinning arrow” she finds in the forest. It stops and points her in a direction, essentially the path she is supposed to go. However, that doesn’t mean much because she has no idea what path that is.

I’m having the same issue right now.

I feel like my compass is FINALLY working now…but I have no idea what path I’m supposed to take! How annoying is that?!

Well, let me back up a little and get you guys caught up.

Yesterday, I was doing well: stable and happy. Lately, the guilt is starting to turn from an obstacle to a tool for self-reflection and learning. But problems don’t just go away overnight. On top of that, my therapist tells me that there are plenty of ups and downs on the road to recovery. I’m feeling a low right now.

I woke up so sad this morning. Not that I’m opposed to using the word “depressed”, but I’m not going to label this as a depression just yet. It definitely feels like I’m going down though. Ever since the confessional, my husband and I have been having intimacy issues. Needless to say, it’s to be expected. We had planned a nice 2 week vacation to London, Paris, and Munich (first time ever in Europe and it was AMAZING!!!). I confessed to the “meet up with Mark” a few days before. I was wrestling with finding the perfect time to tell him since I desperately didn’t want to ruin our trip. The holidays are coming up and so is my 28th birthday so I wasn’t about to reopen any wounds to ruin the next few months. But I couldn’t take the guilt of finally physically betraying him anymore. So I told him. He was disappointed but that didn’t seem to affect our trip that much. We genuinely had fun and had the time of our lives. It was an adventure I’ll never forget! Then we got back home and reality and routine set back in. Now we’re back to square one.

Why I thought that our European vacation would magically solve all our marriage issues is beyond me. I’m the kind of person who looks for the quick fix so I can get the problem taken care of and move on. I’m impatient people tell me. Honestly, I think everything works too slow. Another reason why I hate my bipolar depression. It lasts too long and, for someone who is Type A, very unproductive waste of time. But in all fairness, nothing is going to jump-start our marriage and bring it back from the dead in a few weeks. The fact that I brought the cheating to an actual physical level makes it harder to come back from. If you haven’t read my last blog, you’ll need to in order to understand what I mean:The Forbidden Forest: How My Mania Helped Me Cheat on My Husband.

On top of that, I was supposed to visit my mom last night. Not to bash any moms out there that love and care for their kids, but my mom is a heartless bitch! My psychiatrist, who completed her adult psychiatry residency and a fellowship in psychopharmacology at the UCSD, School of Medicine in 1992 and has been treating patients in a range of psychological disorders since, is shocked by the way my parents treat me. I could fill an entire novel with the level of mental and verbal abuse I’ve been through! I’ll talk about that later at relevant points so you guys can get an idea but not now. My mom triggered me AGAIN and I’m now trying to deal with her AND repairing my marriage.

Yesterday was getting to me and all I wanted to do was head home and relax. I thought that because yesterday was Columbus Day that most of the traffic in San Diego would dissipate pretty quickly. Unfortunately, not fast enough. I left for home and texted her that I was tired and the long 45 minute traffic-infested drive down to her new apartment didn’t seem worth it. Especially since I live in North County. No. I went home and texted her after I pulled into my garage. She immediately called and I ignored the phone for about an hour. When I called back, she seemed pleasant. She really wanted to know what I brought back from London and Paris for her. French perfume sounded like a great gift for her and this one was amazing (aka expensive). I didn’t mention what it was but apologized and said I’d deliver it to her this weekend. She was fine and we talked a little. Then…she asked for a favor.

Now. Favor = money. Whenever I mention that in the future and forget to translate, just try to remember for me. She wanted money. Recently divorced (on the exact day same-sex marriage was legalized no less!) and living in what I assume is a crappy little apartment in the bad side of SoCal, she found out that she can’t pay her rent. She just moved in! She wanted something like $600. Neither me nor my husband have $600 to spare and we wouldn’t dish it out to her either way. Now before you go get your torches and pitchforks, you need to sit your ass down and be patient. This woman is a snake. A liar and a manipulator. I’ve given her enough money throughout my life, from high school AND when I was starving and down to my last penny in college, to buy her a fucking Lexus. She squanders it on shit she doesn’t need and doesn’t have any real concept of money management. So I obviously said no. I’m still waiting for the $700 she owed me from last time. This was before her all expense paid trip to NYC to visit her side of the family that I paid for as her 60th birthday present back in December.

After refusing, she gave me a sob story saying she got the date extended until tomorrow but if she doesn’t get the money then she’ll have to go to court. And then her landlord will kick her out on the streets. And she can’t live on the streets. How could I do that to her and my mentally disabled younger brother (yes I have 3 brothers, we’ll get to them in time as well)?

I ignored the propaganda bullshit and told her no go ask someone else. I wasn’t in the mood. She was probably exaggerating. She has money in stocks and savings. She just wants money for the “just in case”. So we said our goodbyes and that was it. Now I feel like shit.

Ughh….this post is getting hard to finish. I’ll have to end it here for now. Basically, I feel like I have a drive and a determination to work through these issues but I’m not sure where to go. Mania is my Forbidden Forest. Depression is my Fog. Just Fog.

I think I’m getting trapped in the Fog again and I can’t find the fucking path. Someone save me.

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