Ready. Set. Sail!
So I just wanted to say that I’m honestly SUPER SUPER thankful for everyone who reads, follows, comments, likes, etc. my tiny new blog. THANK YOU THANK YOU (x ∞)!!! Honestly, I’m kinda surprised that you guys find me so interesting and care about my journey and want to learn more about Bipolar Disorder from me. I’m new to the “club” [as Samina of Bipolar1Blog calls it] as you guys know so it’s taking me a while to understand what’s going on in my head, let alone you guys trying to figure it out as well. I know that I prefer to remain anonymous and honestly I will for a while. I’m glad I’m not the only blogger who feels this way. There will be a time and a place for that and I just want you guys to focus on understanding Bipolar and how much havoc it wrecks on a person’s psyche. Bipolar is a lot of things and it has a lot of weapons.
To do a quick recap, as recommended by a follower of mine, in my mind, it’s less scary to describe Bipolar’s weapons in terms of elements of nature. Nature is something humans can control to an extent. Not all the time but you get the idea. To me, Bipolar controls Mania and Depression. It is at the helm of the ship if you will. Its primary weapons are Fog and Fire.
Fog is the driving force that leads you to Depression. The Fog is a force that drives you to the place of Depression. It clouds your judgement and tells you that you’re worthless and you should kill yourself. It guides you to a place of solitude deep in the corners of your mind and gives you the opportunity to “drown” yourself in your own Depression. One place of Depression is someplace called the Firth. It’s a large open sea bay where you float adrift on a tiny little row boat until you are lost in the waters of your sadness. Then you decide to kill yourself. You punch a hole in your boat, your last bit of reasoning you have left to preserve your own life, and essentially let yourself drown.
Fire is the driving force that leads you to Mania. The Fire is a force that drives you to the place of Mania. The smoke overpowers your judgement and tells you that you’re king of the world. It fuels your passion for life and tells you to do whatever you want regardless of the consequences. It guides you to a place of solitude deep in the corners of your mind and gives you the opportunity to “burn” yourself in your own Mania. One place of Mania is someplace called the Forbidden Forest. It’s a large maze of trees where you find yourself lost in the pleasures of human happiness. Without proper restraint, you wander through there until you make so many mistakes it exhausts you and consumes you. The party becomes out of control and you find yourself hungover lying in a ditch regretting everything you did. The higher you climb, the further you fall. The fall from Mania is awful.
What I am going to be working on shortly is creating a map (an actual map) and link it to my Menu page. That way if you get lost in my head (I’m always lost. I have a sucky compass :-P), you can refer back to it and maybe track where I am. Keep in mind that I have no idea what the entire map looks like because I’m constantly finding new places of Mania and Depression. This map will be updated as the map becomes more populated.
Also, as recommended by another follower of mine, I’m going to write a short series of my life from beginning until just before my diagnosis. I have given short snippets of my life and family here and there for context but I was asked to give my life story to give people a better chance to get to know me. As always, names will be changed but the stories will still remain raw and honest.
Let me make one thing clear: I am not the hero of my story. I’d much rather think of myself as the anti-hero. I’ve tried my best and made some great decisions but it’s dishonest of me to be painting this victim picture of myself. I show you guys the raw and dark parts of me because that is who I am. Personality and Bipolar are hard to distinguish and I’m not sure where one starts and the other ends. But I have always had control of my actions for the most part. Bipolar likes to steer me in the wrong directions but every action I’ve done has been done by me physically. Bipolar is a fucking beast. It’s a very clever and convincing son of a bitch! Fucking douchebag! But we all deal with his bullshit everyday. Sometimes it wears us thin and we give in to his weapons. I’d like to think you can keep him in his place most of the time [not being sexist but he comes more naturally to write than she].
AGAIN! Thanks again for the likes/comments. I really really REALLY appreciate feedback. I know ~50 followers isn’t a lot but I appreciate each and every one of you. I really do. I try and keep up with your blogs as well. Let me know if I’m getting annoying :-). The formatting of my mind isn’t going to change but let me know if I can provide better ways of communicating. Like I said, I’m not a writer.