My Journey Through Purgatory: Veering Off Course

Ready. Set. Sail!

(Real fucking trigger warning!)

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I can’t think anymore. The words are just not flowing. Wandering through the mist I’m tormented by memories. Good memories this time. Memories when I used to go clubbing and grind up against all these hot guys while my fiancee sits at home playing video games. What the fuck was he letting me do that for? My insistence on going clubbing because I “had to get it out of my system”? Did I ever once consider how embarrassed he must’ve felt? I miss it. I miss my freedom.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

This week has been hell. Yes I know I work a stable 9-5 job. Yes I know I get paid a good salary as a molecular biologist. Yes I know I live in sunny San Diego, CA. Yes I know I have the greatest, kindest, most amazing husband on the planet! Yes my friends are compassionate and caring and would do everything in their power just to see me smile. Why the hell am I complaining? Who does that?

This week I’ve been putting on a fake smile for everyone. I’m exhausted. I’m so damn tired of trying to do my best and pretend to care. This stupid new kid is SO much better than me at work. We just hired him a month ago and he was able to accomplish something amazing at work that I’d been working on tirelessly for MONTHS! None of the PhDs could do it! I was on the verge of a scientific breakthrough! He figured it out with the help of his PI (principal investigator) and the data looks neat, clean, and self-explanatory. Well fuck! Now I’m useless. I was so close to cracking it but then my Mania died and I lost all motivation to continue.

It makes me sick. This dark part inside of me. It craves the Mania. I want it back. I. Want. It. Back. I. WANT. IT. BACK.

My brain doesn’t work on meds. It just doesn’t. I can’t see past my own lab notebook. Scrolling through the pages frantically trying to figure out why I didn’t see it first. Where in the world did I go wrong? I close the book and stare at the computer screen.

I’m still stuck in Purgatory. The fun place where life sucks but you don’t want to end it. You wander as your past memories float by you like wisps of smoke. Transparent and cyclical, they replay your life story in snippets like a broken record player. Over and over again.

Telling someone they have Bipolar Disorder is a death sentence. It really is. It just dawned on me. They say you have to take your meds because your brain doesn’t function the same way normal people do. They say you have to behave and track your moods. Make sure you tell someone when you are feeling suicidal or having thoughts of hurting yourself. Or, in my case, letting someone know when my sex drive goes out of control. I’m afraid to even have one anymore. The hot trainer guy at the gym smiles and says good morning to me. Every time. With that look. You know that look. I recoil instinctively with a quick “Hi” and a mad dash to the locker room to drop off my bag. Heart racing and pulse pounding.

Life is meaningless like this. I’m so bored and angry!

Now don’t get me wrong. This has nothing to do with Mark. He is an afterthought now but I miss the RUSH. I miss not having to struggle to put words together when I try and socialize with people. I miss having the ability to read 5 or 6 journal articles in one sitting and understand them completely and figure out a clever experiment right off the bat. I want to have the motivation to go outside. I want to appreciate the kind concerns when my guy friends at work ask why I’m not playing nerdy board games with them anymore. Why I’ve completely closed off.

One blogger gave me a post to read on missing my Mania and how it was fun while it lasted but now it’s back to the old grind. Well, I’m paraphrasing…or rather misinterpreting. It’s actually a great read. And I do believe it’s something wrong with my brain that makes me feel this way. But knowing the reason doesn’t kill the desire. I’m probably over medicated or under medicated. Or maybe because the Mania was so strong in the last episode it blew a meteor-sized crater in my head that’s taking forever to repair. Maybe it’s just all in my head…

…well. It is just all in my head. Duh! But I mean, maybe the neuron sensitivity or mitochondrial energy overload has nothing to do with this. Maybe it’s perspective.

Whatever. Ha. I know my life is an open book now. So I know once I post this I’m going to be getting a lot of calls and texts from followers who live nearby. This is a red flag I guess. My poor husband has to deal with this bullshit now. Pray for him guys if you believe in a deity that actually gives a fuck!

Speaking of open book, I’ll start working on that when I feel like it. Don’t worry, the map and life story will come. I tried working on it this week. I really did. But it’s hard finding a good place to start. My life is complicated. The only thing that’s on my mind right now is trying to find my Wellbutrin and inducing the Mania. I wanna give this old Chevy a nice rev! I’m cold and I want a little action.

Sorry everyone! I refuse to believe that Mania is off the table for the rest of my life. Don’t tell me Disneyland was a spectacular experience but I can never go back there ever again.

Fuck that!


22 thoughts on “My Journey Through Purgatory: Veering Off Course

  1. I was over-medicated and just plain on the wrong medication for over two years and I was a fucking zombie. Now I’m on medication that has allowed my creativity to come back (crucial) and my intelligence is once again flowering. You gotta fight. For the right. To parrrrrrrrrrteh! And you gotta fight for the right medicine. It’s a long fucking process but there IS a better medicine for you that will allow you to fire on all cylinders. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND BIG HUGS!!!!!

    Liked by 4 people

  2. It’ll come back, bipolar is like that, from dysfunction to periods of euthymia, to mania (euphoric if you’re lucky!). You have to weather the bad to get the good. Getting on better meds might help. Sorry if what I say is obvious, but it always does me good to be reassured when my brain is acting up.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Totally. Full on mania is no good for nobody, but you shouldn’t have to accept a world without the white manias, the fun hypos, the hooked up seasonal frequencies, a limber and nimble brain. Like other commenters say: the “fuck I think I do actually have to take meds fuck” world is all about patience, experimentation, endless trial and error, superhuman frustration. Even what may seem like a minor tweak — like going down from 750 to 500 mg on something — may prove incredibly beneficial and help you hit that “magical” sweet spot of lowest possible dose, fewest possible chemicals, and flexible stability without significant loss of identity, energy, creativity, or cleverness. Easier said than done. Peace. Keep fighting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. EXACTLY! Why should I give up a little fun? 😉 I’m not talking full blown but I need a little pick me up. I’m going to be upfront and get me the right cocktail. I already took 150mg of my Wellbutrin so I’m on my way up! Found the stash. I know it’s going to take a while but I’m impatient like that. Wish me luck!
      P.S. You are an awesome dude. I love your comments on other blogs.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Back atcha. And be careful with Wellbutrin! Well, most people barely notice it, or it just helps them get out of bed. I took it last spring and a few weeks later was no longer in Illinois but living in the trailer of an apocalypse “prepper” in rural Mendocino. Wtf: can hardly blame Wellbutrin haha. Also, keep in mind after the initial burst a day or two in, it tends to fade for a week, then come roaring back. Hope it helps without making you feel that a herd of wildebeests are permanently stampeding toward you 😳

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Hahaha. Sorry. Love the trailer thing. I know it probably wasn’t funny. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll keep all that in mind. I tend to be sensitive to medication. You are super helpful but now I wanna watch the Lion King. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

      3. I love Welbutrin! I take it regularly and it’s the only thing we’ve ever found that keeps my depression away. If I want mania, Lexapro is the way to go. It made me so manic once that I was seeing things, hearing things, and so delusional that I tried to start my own religion! A little too manic there, wound up in the hospital for two weeks…

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Holy fuck! I’ll stay away from that.😨 Wellbutrin got me there pretty quick but i never escalated to delusional. But then again I was on 150mg and was made to stop when I kinda got outta control. Thanks for the advice!!!

        Like

      5. It’s OK to laugh, it is really funny. I never want to be in that state again, the repercussions lasted for years. But we all just laugh about it now. It does make for a good section in my mental health speeches.

        I do want to make it clear that this won’t happen to everyone who takes Lexapro, in fact I take a much smaller dose now with my 400mg of welbutrin. The difference has been the mood stabilizers I’ve been taking. We just totally revamped those, I’m worried about the possible effects, but the side effects were ruining my health.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh sista! I FEEL you!!!!!!! I miss the fun SO much! I refuse to accept that my life has to be this boring hum drum bullshit. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit! Seriously!

    Someone needs to create a safe-space-mania drug. I’d be all over that shizzle like a fucking RASH!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much for your posts and your honesty. I am going through many similar things right now and you are one of the few people I’ve found honest enough to write exactly how you feel about mania. I was in a low-grade depression for about 2.5 years and now that my mania has resurfaced, I am delighted. Of course it is effing everything up and I can only seem to slow the train, not stop it. But part of me doesn’t want to stop it. WTF is wrong with me. Anyways, keep writing, you are wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Betty rocker
      Thank you. God I’m so glad you are enjoying my posts. You and everyone else. You are the exact reason I write the way I do. People have to know how much this affects us. I’m not afraid to show people that even if it makes me look like a monster. I want people to know we aren’t faking this shit or do it because we want to hurt people. There are so many people with bipolar that feel the way I do. I miss my Mania. I do. But don’t look at me like a role model. I’m just a voice. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You and I better never be in a bar at the same time manic…that’s all I’m saying. And Wellbutrin induces mania? How come it’s not working for me?
    Anyway Jess, no matter where you life is taking you at the moment and no matter how high or low you may find yourself, please know that your writing is a contribution to the mental health community, and to all those who appreciate the written word. You are eloquent and brilliant, and I personally can’t wait until you set your mind to your craft and start weaving your sentences into paragraphs, then pages, and finally a spell bounding recount of a life you are currently struggling to see through to its end.
    Aaaaand you live in the US, so I’m like, only one country over. Booya!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Being manic in a bar with you would be so much fun! We would tear that place up :-D. Yeah the Wellbutrin did it last time. It has that side effect on some people and I’m pretty sensitive to meds.
      I sincerely hope I’m helping the mental health community because I certainly am getting so much love and support from it. Especially from you. Thank you so much for believing in me. I hope that I don’t let you down. I’m really struggling right now. Thanks again for following up. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to write it all out on paper. That’s too weird for me to think of right now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. YES! I know we’re not supposed to say it but I would LOVE to go out with you girls while manic…partners in crime…it would be off the hook! And I bet unlike other people I know you would not bat an eyelash at dancing in the rain…. or on bars….

    I could say lots of things Jess but how about this?

    I MISS MANIA TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    I miss it I love it….

    I want some white and a little red…and then a little white and then TON of red and then I’d like to turn it off.

    IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

    I was JUST thinking about this. Feeling Mania Sick. Homesick but for Mania!

    I will ALSO say……

    It CAN and WILL get better!

    ooo I’ve got a little thing I wrote way way back and i’m gonna write you a post. A post dedicated to Jess. How do you like that. No this second obviously so hold your horses but I’ve got the flickers…the idea flickers.

    I just want you to believe me when I say I was so where you are. It fucking SUCKS.

    And I don’t feel like that anymore.

    I really don’t

    Okay one more thing dear friend….

    Am I the blogger who gave you a mania piece???? I dare say I might be.

    Yeah it IS a sad piece. I get that.

    It is sad to not have mania. I know. I am sad too.

    But life doesn’t have to 100% suck donkey balls.

    It can be fun and enjoyable and exciting even without mania.

    I have to go with your….the mania blasted a hole in your brain thing. That is how I felt.

    Ooooo I can’t wait to post my ideas! I hope I don’t lose my mojo again before I do!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Claya….I’m falling apart here. Tears of joy.

    You are the blogger who wrote the piece.

    I was so scared to post this because I thought you’d be disappointed in me and hate me.

    I wish I could be strong like you. I’m crying at my keyboard. I was waiting for your comment on this for days and I was so scared about getting scolded. I’m trying my best. Thanks again. God I just want my life back. It’s so hard. This damn Bipolar is so hard! I want my happiness back.

    I can’t wait to read your post. You’re such a good friend! Thank you. Thank you so much.

    Like

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