Ready. Set. Sail!
(This post contains adult sexual content and language and could possibly offend some. Reader discretion is advised. Trigger warning!)
This post is going to be difficult. It’s going to be raw. It’s going to be honest. I’m going to show you the deepest dirtiest part of me and I want you to take away what I feel. But most importantly…
…I want you to fight! I want you to arm yourself against the Fiery dragon setting your mind ablaze. Don’t let it win!!!!
My friend Melody has been having the absolute worst time right now. Fighting an internal battle that I just crawled out of. And I’ve been trying to help her. And I don’t know if I can. But I feel like I need to try. I apologize again but my life story is still on hold for now. BUT! This needs to be done. Right fucking now! So here goes. Brace yourself. Because I’m not afraid anymore.
I told you I had a problem with what the DSM-IV calls “sexual indiscretions”? Ha. What a fucking terrible excuse for a whisper of a problem! It’s like when people whisper the word vagina. Like sex is a bad thing in and of itself. We call it “sexual indiscretions” because we are afraid to talk about it. We are afraid to call it what it is. We are afraid to mention it out loud lest the Dark Lord Voldemort will rear his ugly head (like WTF?! That was Ralph Fiennes?!). We are afraid to talk because we are the dirty shameful sluts that need to sit down and shut up! That we did this ON PURPOSE! Because we are that sadistic. That we WANT everyone to look their noses down on us. Like sex can’t be addicting.
You have no idea. No idea how SEX can drive you absolutely batshit insane. And I’m not talking nonbipolar level sexual temptations. I’m talking all consuming. FIERY. BURNING. DESTRUCTIVE. MANIC SEXUAL URGES. I’m talking about hypersexuality.
HYPERSEXUALITY. There I said it. Call it what it is.
Yes, it’s a thing. No it’s not a fucking joke. Look it up: http://www.bphope.com/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality/
And you’re probably thinking, “Well poor baby. Sorry that you can’t keep it in your pants. You obviously don’t love your significant other. Who does that to someone they love?”
Yes. I agree. Who does that to someone they love? I agree. It’s NOT something you do to someone you love.
But you do it. Why? Why did you do it?
Because they call you WEAK. That is not true. That is NOT true. THAT IS NOT TRUE!
Don’t you dare let them call you weak. You fought long and hard. And sometimes it’s baby steps. Or one giant leap into the Forbidden Forest. But you did it. Why? Because the itch. The burning itch to do something about it clawed at you; ripping jagged scars in your heart. It ripped you to pieces. Running through every vein in your body, this itching took over your mind. You can feel the physicality of it and taste the temptation on your tongue. You feel it throbbing in between your legs. Pulsing and sensitive. On top of all that, the feeling resonates inside of you all day. Every day. Every minute.
You were craving it. You had a passionate internal pull. A Fire. Telling you that you needed it. That you needed it for your survival. That you can’t live without it because it feels so damn good. So. God. Damn. Fucking. Good.
But you need to listen to me because I’ve been where you’ve been and I know how you are. I know how you feel. As much as you love it, you hate it even more. You want it gone. At the very center of your being is a voice. Timid and shy, it whispers in the faintest tones, “No. Don’t do this. It’s wrong. You love them too much to do this.” With that tiny spark, it sends an immense jolt straight to the pleasure center in your brain and you recoil in pain. God it fucking hurts. The more you listen to it, the more it hurts. So you shut it out.
You pretend like the voice isn’t there and put duct tape over it’s mouth. You don’t want to hear that. Wide eyed and horny as fuck is ALL YOU ARE. Nothing else matters. And you do everything in your power to keep feeding the Fire. Making it grow more and more. Sucking the moisture out of the atmosphere, it creates a dry landscape in your mind and then spreads like a wildfire. You can’t focus. And you let the beast out. In a overwhelming, leg-shaking, sweet to the core sexual release of orgasmic heaven.
Then you realize a horrible truth. That the Fire wants more. No matter how much you feed the beat to try and subdue it, the Fire wants more of you. Now, you have to fight again. Furthermore, you are exhausted and guilt-ridden.
Those of you reading this and struggling with this know all too well that you’ve haven’t heard a word I’ve said. Unfortunately for you, your manic brain is telling you to ignore my advice and do what you want. That she has NO IDEA how hot and amazing [blank] is. And that she could never understand how annoying it would be to live without it. That you deserve this and it’s not really that bad. Because you don’t feel bad. You don’t care. Family and friends are concerned. Or maybe you are alone in your dark secret. But you love it and you don’t wanna stop. Or maybe you think you can’t. But guess what? I’m here to tell you that you CAN STOP.
You can stop. You can let it go. You can say no.
No. Listen to me. You. Can. Stop. There is nothing physically making you do anything. You are physically doing it on your own. You are doing this but you can stop.
So you made it all the way down here. Now you tell me, “Yes, you are exactly right, in everything. So how can I convince myself to listen to your advice??” I’m so sorry, truly I am, but the answer sucks…
…bite the bullet and just do it! Rip the fucking band-aid off! Call it off cold turkey. No calls. No texts. No meetups. No contact. Nothing. And I’m not going to lie or sugar-coat it for you but it’ll hurt. Oh! It’ll hurt like you have no idea. But you CAN do it. And the pain I promise you doesn’t last. It goes away.
And your looking at me like. Well fuck! I knew that. MY response to that is; yeah ya did! You know you should call it off but you don’t want to. To that I say you have one of two options. You can either ignore my advice and keep doing it or you can do it and cry and moan and scream and throw things and cuss me out. That’s fine. I can take it. Bring it on!
The most important thing about this is if you are really that hurt. That conflicted. Then you know deep in your heart that the shenanigans need to stop. Right now. Don’t wait for the Fire to cool down. Don’t wait for the Mania to subside before doing something about it. There won’t be an easy time to do it. And the Fire will fight hard to win you back. But you know this is just the Mania. You know it. You know it’s lying to you.
Now you have another question, “But Jess, I really don’t think I can handle that kind of pain. How did you cope?”
My answer to that question is connection. You need to imagine your life the way it was. You need to reestablish those connections with the people you love. You don’t have to live in this dark empty cage where you choose to live in withdrawal and pray the pain will end. You need to actively seek out ways to redirect that energy you have inside of you. I’ll say it again.
You don’t have to live in this dark empty cage where you choose to live in withdrawal and pray the pain will end.
You need to actively seek out ways to redirect that energy you have inside of you.
I’m going to link a very powerful TED talk I just recently watched about the way addiction works and I hope you can find it helpful. It’s only 15 minutes long but I implore you to watch it. It’s so very true. And we all can learn something from it.
In the meantime, what helped me, was slowly allowing yourself to let it go in your mind. Let it go! You had a wonderful life before this whole thing started. Try hard to remember. Write it down. Talk it out. Get some meds that will calm you down because you aren’t thinking clearly right now I know it.
The dragon is huge. Fiery and intimidating. And all you have is this tiny little shield and sword. Don’t give in anymore.
Once you stop, it will be OK. It will be OK. IT WILL BE OK! Trust me. And the shame will pass. You are NOT a bad person because you gave in. You are NOT a bad person because you wanted to feel good. You are NOT a bad person because you fought long and hard and gave in. You are NOT a slut, manwhore, harlot, etc. You are a human being capable of making mistakes. I said MISTAKE. We all make them and Bipolar has a way of pushing us to make stupid mistakes. But that doesn’t mean you are a mistake.
Your behavior is a symptom of an illness.
But you won’t die. You will rise from the ashes, the guilt and the shock, and you will become stronger. This happened for a reason whether you believe in a higher power or not. You will see that one day and you will use that as a tool for learning and teaching. And you will be more prepared the next time the dragon comes around. Because you can’t keep doing this. You know you can’t. But this will make you stronger than you ever thought you could be. And no one will ever take that away from you. They will never know how hard you fought to do the right thing. But you and I will. And that’s good enough.
You can do it. I believe in you. Fight back! You are stronger than the addiction.
Do it for them.