Feeding The Fire: Temptation On My Tongue

Ready. Set. Sail!

FUCK EVERYTHING!

Just fuck it. (Mania trigger warning!)

Remember what I said my policy on this blog is? Raw and honest. Well! That’s what I’m about. And I haven’t been honest lately. Not with myself. I haven’t realized it until yesterday. But this is my blog and I’m about to divulge a lot of dirt. I’m going to rant and rant. If you are someone who gets upset or is sensitive to sexual material DO NOT READ THIS POST. It’ll get graphic. And fuck you if you think this is for blog traffic! I don’t write this shit to sell myself.

Yeah you guessed it! I’m pissed. I’m mad at myself and I wanna rant. The whole point of this blog is supposed to be about release. About therapy. About a place where I feel safe letting go of the pent up pressure that Bipolar is crushing me with! But how disappointing is it to realize that you are imperfect? That you aren’t the person you desperately want to be?!

You wanna know what stings? What really fucking burns? Reading a post you wrote about a month ago and having trouble listening to YOURSELF! Having trouble listening to your own advice! The post I’m referring to is the Dropping Keys published post Consumed By Fire: Fighting Back Against Bipolar Hypersexuality. Yeah, the post where I suddenly thought I “cured” my hypersexuality. Nope. That isn’t the point of the post and neither was it intended to be but for some reason I thought I found the “key.” I sincerely hope that post helps someone. I really do. But what it won’t do is cure the sexual addiction. Believe me I reread it 15 times already!

The whole point of the post was to be a reference to Consumed by Fire: How I Fought Back Against a Raging Mania. It was meant as a letter to my future self to not fuck up again! What a horrible coincidence it got published WHILE I AM HYPO!!! And how easy is it to write something like that a posteriori? In the moment, that post wouldn’t have been feasible.

And yeah. You guessed it! I’m hypomanic again. Probably brought on by a combination of the Latuda and the Wellbutrin. I’m apparently very pill sensitive! And guess what nice bonus package comes with my hypomania? Correct. Hypersexuality!

Boy has that horse been beaten to death and then some! Bet your tired of hearing about it too. Well fuck you then I don’t give a shit about what you appreciate on my blog. I’m not a fucking jester. Go somewhere else for fun. This is Bipolar. This is what it does to you. In the moment. Right now.

I’m hypersexual right now and I LOVE it! It’s amazing. God it feels so fucking good! I’ve been high for days!! Monday was my first day back at work in 3 weeks and it was fine. I was keeping myself busy. Finished my performance review for the year in a few hours rather than a couple days it takes most people to complete. Was able to calculate an “Excellent” rating for myself for the year. Maybe I’ll get a promotion. The way the words flowed out onto the paper was effortless. I hope it works.

But lately I’ve been dreaming and day dreaming. I can’t stop thinking about Mark. I had a dream about him last week and it was PHENOMENAL. Bumped into each other at the grocery store and fucked long and hard. Fiery and passionate (sorry Ralphs!). Since then he has been on my mind nonstop! Daydreaming and reminiscing. Wow! What a whore. Husband knows. I tell him everything now. I made a promise to make sure to do that for him. Now he is scared.

I know Star Wars comes out Friday but I’m going to reference Lord of the Rings because it fits my context. My phone is now my ring. I play with it. Think about it. How easy it would be to get back into it. To slip the ring on so to speak. I have the power to contact Mark anytime I like. I deleted all his information and pics and such but the app I used to chat with him still has his name listed on the Blocked section. Fuck! Should’ve cleared that during the last clean out. God you’d think I’d have been more careful.

So I left a trail. I did. And I could just delete it forever. Or I can hit up that hot guy at the gym who keeps checking me out. But I’m sitting here at work. With nothing to do. No projects. Lots of hours in the day where my mind can wander and imagine. “The idle mind is the devil’s playground.”

So I’ve been taking my advice and refocusing my energy on helping others finish up their last minute experiments before people go on holiday break next week. I might have to stay for that but I get holidays off so I’d be in for short periods.

Anyways…I’m bored and horny as fuck! Yup. All day. Every moment. Fire burning inside me. Been listening to sexually charged music nonstop. Can’t sleep. Social butterfly. Friends say I’m exuding high levels of irresistible sexual energy. Thinking about giving in. But I haven’t! Don’t worry. I’m just toying with the idea.

Now. I know what your thinking and it won’t work. Yes I should fix my pill cocktail and go back down to Stable. I WAS happy being Stable for the week or so that lasted. I was good. Now I’m hypo and I’m craving more. I’m feeding it. I can’t stop. I know I shouldn’t but all reason has left my mind and I’m not thinking clearly. I want more. I want to cheat.

There. I said it!

The Trail has lead me up a mountain to the edge of a cliff. Directly under my feet is The Forbidden Forrest. I can smell the smoke. The raging Fire going on below. I want in! I want to taste it again! Ha! I’m craving it. Every puff of smoke that slithers into my lungs fills me with temptation and I can’t stop breathing it in. God I want it! I keep gliding my feet over the edge. How easy would it be to step off?

This Fire doesn’t want me to think. It wants me to feel. That it’s worth the excitement. Oh God! I must sound awful right now. You’re probably confused as to why I don’t direct that towards my husband. It doesn’t work that way. I won’t get into it now but there isn’t a level of danger associated with him. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s the excitement I crave.

Well I’ll leave you with a song I’ve had on repeat for the past 72 hrs so you can get a feel as to where I’m at.

Sorry everyone. Bipolar is gritty and unpleasant sometimes.

I can’t hold it much longer
Baby
I’m gettin’ stronger and stronger

When you need that fix, yeah, that medicine
I know you like it like this
When you get that itch, adrenaline
Heart beating outta your chest
Heart beating outta yo chest
And when that pressure’s building
I got what you need, come fuck with me
And when you get that feeling
I got sexual healing


50 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: Temptation On My Tongue

  1. Hey Jess, I’m hoping you have a soft landing. Your honesty about such a difficult, sensitive topic is inspiring. I wish I had some great advice to help, but I think those people that are closest to you, like your husband, is hopefully the best place to put your trust in. Actually, a suggestion which might help in the future, when you are STABLE, is try create a sense of ‘danger’ between you and your husband, so you can try avoid repeated infidelity. Just a thought….take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jess, we’re in the same boat. I don’t phase into hypersexual mode almost ever, but I had a trigger and I’m dying to burn in that fire. It’s complicated, crazy and unfair to someone β€” but it is what it is, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I always describe it a lot like being possessed by something that totally pilots the body. That’s what it’s like to me, at least. You’re not alone in this and I will NEVER judge you for it.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Personally I will never again take Wellbutrin. Got me more fired up than cocaine. May as well strap a rocket on my back. Plus Latuda def causes hypo in a lot of people, so that’s a double dose of the chemical highs. Wish I had some helpful advice for the hyper sexuality, but my palette of mania lacks that feature. I just have garden variety dude cravings and sometimes, in the case of specific people, something more intense. You described it pretty well, though. Fuck I’d have to get on Tinder, look for a lonely suburban housewife. Crossing my fingers for you. Hope you make it through the week and see some light at the end of the tunnel.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yeah I probably fucked myself with that combo. But the fact that I was hoping for this as relief from my high anxiety mixed state is terribly irresponsible. But I missed it. I know I’m rotten and I shouldn’t be doing this. But it’s like Zoe said it’s like a possession that takes control. Now I don’t know and I feel like I failed. Maybe I’ll get off of them. I don’t honestly care right now.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are NOT rotten. That’s horseshit. This life is so often a dreadful, dull, dismal thing. What are you feeling is ALIVE. Personally I have zero interest in pathologizing something like hyper-sexuality. And if you weren’t married and tormenting yourself about infidelity, would it really be a such a big deal? Going out and banging your mania away seems more responsible than my binges to Pluto. Seriously, Jess, you’re not rotten for wanting to feel wired and alive. You’re just in a bind because you’re married and honest with your husband. It’s just a shitty situation. The last thing you need to be doing is castigating yourself. You’re just human.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Oh God Andrew. I just want to be happy. To hold onto this. He calls my psychiatrist and he is panicked and I just am living in my euphoria and loving it with no qualms. He’ll hate me for saying this but how the fuck did I find a dude with a LOW sex drive. My God. I’m bitching now. I just want this and I’m not going to let it go anytime soon. If I keep myself occupied I won’t do anything stupid.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I know you want to be happy, to hold on to the good feels, but just to be common-sensical for a moment, this limbo you’re in is only going to feel “pleasant” for a few days, at most. The shitty truth is you have two choices: Demand an open marriage and go swing; or find less triggering meds and deal with the doldrums of baseline. I wish there was a happy middle path, but you’re not a single and you’ve chosen honesty over deception (commendably). But the hot-wired limbo buzz won’t last. Just for the sake of avoiding a massive meltdown, you’ll have to pick one of those options. Best of luck. Mania is fun until it isn’t. As we all know!

        Liked by 3 people

      4. Oh Andrew. Let’s hope not. Last time my mania lasted for 4 months!! Yeah! So I think if I play my cards right it wont be a mild surge. However long it lasts, I’ll enjoy the ride! I’m not getting off anytime soon! πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      5. S’all good. When I was 28 I was all hypo all the time. Mania mania for me is a lil different, burns fast and short. But the hypo ride, yeah that can be a long big-bellied sail. Champion days. I loved those years. Just don’t burn the house down. And if you do, make sure you have some backup shelter πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Jess, I have a lot of reactions from this dialogue that I’d like to share, but I am unsure whether it will be helpful right now. As you clearly say, this is your blog, so it might not be my place to respond in detail here… so if you don’t like anything I write, I guess you could just delete it – I won’t be offended.
        Before I give a specific example, I want to emphasize that I agree with everything the other comments say, and my thoughts should not be interpreted as ‘judging you’… just giving a different perspective.
        For example: as a partner myself, I can see why your husband is panicked. And your husband’s low sex drive might have something to do with your infidelity. Just saying… I don’t expect to know the details of your relationship, but I would think that if your marriage is to survive, you need to try tame this ‘beast’ AND your husband may be the best person to help.

        Liked by 2 people

      7. Don’t worry Hubby. I don’t feel judged by you and your comments are always safe. I hope I don’t get to the point of deleting them if I don’t like something.

        I like how I’m getting such a strong reaction from you. I know how close you are to your wife. My husband has recently had a low sex drive that spans the last year and a half. While I shouldn’t be disclosing these kind of details about him online, that’s just it. I can see how the infidelity didn’t help the situation. There are a lot of layers to our situation which we thoroughly fought about a few hours ago. I DID contact Mark. Luckily I didn’t get a response yet because I told the idiot to block me. Looks like he did. At least there is had some forethought.

        I’m not sure what it is I’m going to do to tame this beast. Not to brag but it doesn’t help that I’m 28 and beautiful. He sees guys notice me all the time when I’m not manic. I can’t imagine how scared he must be now. I wish I could have been more careful with my meds. Honestly I’m scared too. But if this lasts for 4 to 6 months I need a really good strategy. I wish I didn’t have this problem.

        Liked by 2 people

      8. The way Andrew clarified the issue being about the combination of hypersexuality and marriage, is exactly the point I was trying to make, but I could never have expressed it so succinctly: “Demand an open marriage and go swing”… If this works for you and your husband, then great… but I guess I am a little traditional when it comes to what it means to be married.

        Again, I am not judging, but to be honest, I was a little surprised when I realised that your husband hung around after the 1st major episode. I understand it’s possible to find a path to stick together, but that’s a choice you have to make. I am sure it’s quite confusing, scary and stressful, especially if you are facing some difficult decisions, especially while not yet quite stable. I know it’s obvious, but I don’t think anyone has stated it – probably best to be in contact with your pdoc as soon as possible, if you haven’t already.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Yeah Hubby there are all sorts of possibilities to “fix” this situation. If that’s what I want. I’ll call my pdoc later. Think she is on vacation cause she won’t return my husbands calls. But you have one thing wrong. We are NOT in traditional marriages. We are in bipolar marriages. Rules shift slightly. And accommodations need to be met. Don’t worry. I haven’t done anything. I’ll keep my eye on this. πŸ˜‰

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  4. Oh God I know that feeling well. I went after perfect strangers to satisfy my urges. My meds aren’t working right at the moment and I feel that feeling, but I refuse to give in this time. I try to satisfy my urges with writing erotica. Very raw and off the edge and not for the weak-hearted.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh baby Jess. What you describe is so “normal”. I fucking miss it so much! I almost slipped into last week. It felt so good, but then depression hit again… Now increased meds, I’m kinda hoping for another hypo boost.

    And as for wanting to fuck a bunch of strangers… I totally get that! THAT is exactly how I feel when hypo…. My husband is always ready and willing, but it’s the excitement of the forbidden I crave.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Well you know me, I by pass the main point and go right for the excellent writing all up in this place! I so get where you’re coming from though. I’m there too. I just want a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side. But your passion and your fire are so vivid! Just keep writing about this. It’s important for people to see that bipolar shoots it’s mouth off whether people like it or not. Bravo bravo!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Jess,
    A few more points: firstly, I started writing my latest post about Virtual Exhibitionism a few days ago, before you posted this post. I hope you didn’t mind me adding reference you – I am sure you see it’s relevance.
    You had a good suggestion that we continue this ‘conversation’ via email, but I wasn’t so concerned about other people’s reactions, more about how you and your husband feel about us discussing this publically. I am sure there is a line between what is reasonable in the blogosphere and what isn’t – BUT I don’t know where that line is just yet, hence my latest posting. Just like your postings about this difficult subject are likely to be helpful for others in similar situation, this dialogue may add some value, but only if it’s okay with you and your husband.
    Finally for now, since I am currently dealing with a slight hypomanic episode with my wife, which comes with mostly irritability (no ‘dangerous’ hypersexuality fortunately), I am keen to compare notes on things that might be helpful.
    You know you have an amazing group of virtual friends here, ‘rooting for you’ to get through this, sending you virtual hugs. I know this might sound weird, I’ll try avoid the ‘virtual hug’, so you don’t get the wrong idea. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Sorry I’m a bit late on commenting but I just read this post. Glad you let it all out. Sometimes venting really helps the mind. You know of course that “I” vent in other ways, through my humor, but ya know, sometimes I just want to also say “screw it” and really let a lot of things out. However, I let my humor writing control those urges. At one time in my life I let sex control me. Which is why I wrote my autobiography, “I Could Have Been Famous But Sex Love and Life Got In The Way,” Although my addiction to sex was not as pronounced as yours, it still took me down a path I wished I hadn’t travelled. Yes, sex still rushes throughout my body, but fortunately, at my advanced age, (dinosaur) I have a woman who understands my needs and my desires are satisfied for the most part. But I dread to think of what it would be like if I were alone. Those desires never subside and for many reasons. We all have crosses to bear when it comes to sex or being addicted to sex. Mine was that I could never separate the difference between “love” and “sex.” To me, love WAS sex and sex WAS love. I had to have both. Anyhow, without writing a novel here, I can understand your ranting on this blog post and just wanted to give you some support. I don’t know how to offer you any advice on how to combat your desires other than you just have to follow that path until something clicks and you have peace, whatever form it may come in. As I said, for me it was finding a woman who understood my desires, and the fact that we are totally connected 24/7/365 which helps. As you know, I write humor on my blog and that helps as well. BUT, all that said, the demon still lurks under the surface and I shudder to think what it would be like if I were ever alone again without my other half. Hope this all made sense to you Jess. And I hope it was of some comfort that even though I write humor I can still be serious and supportive when it comes to feeling for others such as yourself. Oh yeah, by the way, chocolate and playing slot machines at my local casino helps too. (sorry, with my sense for humor I had to throw that in) : )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey it’s cool. Casinos and chocolate sound like a great afternoon! I’ll have to do that again sometime. And dinosaur or not I really appreciated you commenting. I mean it; I don’t say that just to say it. Knowing more about this side of you makes me feel like I’m not so weird after all. There are quite a few demons in me I have to figure out how to tackle but that will come with experience. I’m calmer now. This thing comes in waves. But I needed to hear your story. Is your book in stores? I’d love to read it. And keep on writing humor. I may not always comment but I absolutely love your posts they are so funny. I’m planning on writing a book because I feel like I could. Ever since you told me that a couple months back I’ve actually 100% decided on it. Thanks misfit120 for your support. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

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  9. So, it’s been like 2 1/2 years since you wrote this and I have no idea what’s happened in your life since… but I totally relate to this post. That urge to do cheat, to do something dangerous… I get it. I’ve had it my whole marriage. But unlike you I’ve never let my wife know. Cheated on her like 30 times and always kept it a secret. I just swallow the guilt.

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