Ready. Set. Sail!
Just fuck it. (Mania trigger warning!)
Remember what I said my policy on this blog is? Raw and honest. Well! That’s what I’m about. And I haven’t been honest lately. Not with myself. I haven’t realized it until yesterday. But this is my blog and I’m about to divulge a lot of dirt. I’m going to rant and rant. If you are someone who gets upset or is sensitive to sexual material DO NOT READ THIS POST. It’ll get graphic. And fuck you if you think this is for blog traffic! I don’t write this shit to sell myself.
Yeah you guessed it! I’m pissed. I’m mad at myself and I wanna rant. The whole point of this blog is supposed to be about release. About therapy. About a place where I feel safe letting go of the pent up pressure that Bipolar is crushing me with! But how disappointing is it to realize that you are imperfect? That you aren’t the person you desperately want to be?!
You wanna know what stings? What really fucking burns? Reading a post you wrote about a month ago and having trouble listening to YOURSELF! Having trouble listening to your own advice! The post I’m referring to is the Dropping Keys published post Consumed By Fire: Fighting Back Against Bipolar Hypersexuality. Yeah, the post where I suddenly thought I “cured” my hypersexuality. Nope. That isn’t the point of the post and neither was it intended to be but for some reason I thought I found the “key.” I sincerely hope that post helps someone. I really do. But what it won’t do is cure the sexual addiction. Believe me I reread it 15 times already!
The whole point of the post was to be a reference to Consumed by Fire: How I Fought Back Against a Raging Mania. It was meant as a letter to my future self to not fuck up again! What a horrible coincidence it got published WHILE I AM HYPO!!! And how easy is it to write something like that a posteriori? In the moment, that post wouldn’t have been feasible.
And yeah. You guessed it! I’m hypomanic again. Probably brought on by a combination of the Latuda and the Wellbutrin. I’m apparently very pill sensitive! And guess what nice bonus package comes with my hypomania? Correct. Hypersexuality!
Boy has that horse been beaten to death and then some! Bet your tired of hearing about it too. Well fuck you then I don’t give a shit about what you appreciate on my blog. I’m not a fucking jester. Go somewhere else for fun. This is Bipolar. This is what it does to you. In the moment. Right now.
I’m hypersexual right now and I LOVE it! It’s amazing. God it feels so fucking good! I’ve been high for days!! Monday was my first day back at work in 3 weeks and it was fine. I was keeping myself busy. Finished my performance review for the year in a few hours rather than a couple days it takes most people to complete. Was able to calculate an “Excellent” rating for myself for the year. Maybe I’ll get a promotion. The way the words flowed out onto the paper was effortless. I hope it works.
But lately I’ve been dreaming and day dreaming. I can’t stop thinking about Mark. I had a dream about him last week and it was PHENOMENAL. Bumped into each other at the grocery store and fucked long and hard. Fiery and passionate (sorry Ralphs!). Since then he has been on my mind nonstop! Daydreaming and reminiscing. Wow! What a whore. Husband knows. I tell him everything now. I made a promise to make sure to do that for him. Now he is scared.
I know Star Wars comes out Friday but I’m going to reference Lord of the Rings because it fits my context. My phone is now my ring. I play with it. Think about it. How easy it would be to get back into it. To slip the ring on so to speak. I have the power to contact Mark anytime I like. I deleted all his information and pics and such but the app I used to chat with him still has his name listed on the Blocked section. Fuck! Should’ve cleared that during the last clean out. God you’d think I’d have been more careful.
So I left a trail. I did. And I could just delete it forever. Or I can hit up that hot guy at the gym who keeps checking me out. But I’m sitting here at work. With nothing to do. No projects. Lots of hours in the day where my mind can wander and imagine. “The idle mind is the devil’s playground.”
So I’ve been taking my advice and refocusing my energy on helping others finish up their last minute experiments before people go on holiday break next week. I might have to stay for that but I get holidays off so I’d be in for short periods.
Anyways…I’m bored and horny as fuck! Yup. All day. Every moment. Fire burning inside me. Been listening to sexually charged music nonstop. Can’t sleep. Social butterfly. Friends say I’m exuding high levels of irresistible sexual energy. Thinking about giving in. But I haven’t! Don’t worry. I’m just toying with the idea.
Now. I know what your thinking and it won’t work. Yes I should fix my pill cocktail and go back down to Stable. I WAS happy being Stable for the week or so that lasted. I was good. Now I’m hypo and I’m craving more. I’m feeding it. I can’t stop. I know I shouldn’t but all reason has left my mind and I’m not thinking clearly. I want more. I want to cheat.
There. I said it!
The Trail has lead me up a mountain to the edge of a cliff. Directly under my feet is The Forbidden Forrest. I can smell the smoke. The raging Fire going on below. I want in! I want to taste it again! Ha! I’m craving it. Every puff of smoke that slithers into my lungs fills me with temptation and I can’t stop breathing it in. God I want it! I keep gliding my feet over the edge. How easy would it be to step off?
This Fire doesn’t want me to think. It wants me to feel. That it’s worth the excitement. Oh God! I must sound awful right now. You’re probably confused as to why I don’t direct that towards my husband. It doesn’t work that way. I won’t get into it now but there isn’t a level of danger associated with him. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s the excitement I crave.
Well I’ll leave you with a song I’ve had on repeat for the past 72 hrs so you can get a feel as to where I’m at.
Sorry everyone. Bipolar is gritty and unpleasant sometimes.
I can’t hold it much longer
I’m gettin’ stronger and stronger
When you need that fix, yeah, that medicine
I know you like it like this
When you get that itch, adrenaline
Heart beating outta your chest
Heart beating outta yo chest
And when that pressure’s building
I got what you need, come fuck with me
And when you get that feeling
I got sexual healing