Feeding The Fire: Devil in Disguise

[Kaa]: “Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me
You can sleep safe and sound
Knowing I am around

Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly and surely your senses
Will cease to resist

Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me”

[The Jungle Book (1967 film) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114148/ ]

Ready. Set. Sail!

(Sweetheart don’t read this post please. It won’t help you)

Hello everyone. I’m here to give a status update because some of my followers are curious. It’s not good news.

So, if you have been following me lately you will know I’m manic and have been struggling with hypersexuality. My need for sexual satisfaction has lead to an unbearable force that weighs down on me every moment of every day. All day long. I’ve had no success in trying to get a hold of either my pdoc or my therapist (I blame the holiday overload). Therefore, action needed to be taken.

My husband and I decided, for the sake of nothing else, to try an open marriage for a brief trial period.

Now, just hear me out. This did NOT come from this manic episode. It came as a result of almost 2 years of marital issues compounded with my current state. I’d rather not go into detail about my husband because that’s not fair to him. So it’s not like I pressured him into it. In fact he was the first to agree to it.

And with that I contacted Mark. Again.

Ugh…..

So basically, this 20 year old kid is STILL stuck in my life. The asshole didn’t block me on any apps at all! He actually tried a few times to hit me up on Skype over the last few months. Fuck! Yes I know this post is going to generate A LOT of discussion. I’m prepared for it.

So as I was mentioning before in my recent struggles, my Trail of Stability “has lead me up a mountain to the edge of a cliff. Directly under my feet is The Forbidden Forest. I can smell the smoke. The raging Fire going on below. I want in! Every puff of smoke that slithers into my lungs fills me with temptation and I can’t stop breathing it in. God I want it! I keep gliding my feet over the edge. How easy would it be to step off?”

Well…I stepped off. The landing wasn’t soft like it was last time when I aimlessly wandered in. No this was a crushing impact. Not only that, but it’s dead where I landed that scares me. Right back in the Snake’s Den.

This Snake is ruthless. Cunning and relentless it didn’t take very long for him to wrap me in his grasp. A few sweet words here and there and I fell for it again. Something about the way he slithers around my head leaves me spellbound. Why I chose to contact him again is what’s on this Snake’s mind:

“Did you call because you missed me?…

…Or what I can do to your body?

…Or the way I make you feel?”

Fuck not this again! Those words are like heroin. God it’s so hard to resist!! I hate it! It should signal danger yet I keep crawling back on hands and knees to him. He loves it too. He gets off on me trying to resist him. Heartless bastard!

And those eyes. Crimson red. Piercing and hypnotic. I lose all sense of time and space in them. Why can’t I shake off his spell?

For those of you who have seen the classic movie The Jungle Book, Mark reminds me a lot of Kaa. A deceptive Snake who lures man and animal to their doom. Forgive me if my movie knowledge is rusty but the animals in the forest know exactly who Kaa is and are careful not to look in his eyes lest they fall prey to his deceptions.

For me, I’m like an amateur snake charmer. However, African traditions of snake charming are rather careful for the most part. In some instances, the entire jaw except the space around the tongue opening is sewn shut to prevent the snake from biting. Other people use herbs to numb the jawline of the snake.

Me. Nothing. I have no weapons. I wander straight to up to the Snake and use whatever is left of my vocabulary to try not to get bit. As you can imagine, dumbstruck and horny doesn’t produce the Canterbury Tales.

It’s the fucking stupidest way to approach it. I have no idea what I’m doing or if I’ll make a sudden movement and accidentally get bit. Or worse.

I had a horrible dream the other night that is rather hard for me to talk about. Maybe some other time.

So there is my dilemma. Mark has me under his spell again. We met up and the same old same old. Spent about an hour trying to convince myself to leave. Then we hit it off in a crazy passionate firestorm. Then I felt sick to my stomach and hating myself. All this with PERMISSION from my husband! Lord! I just can’t be that kind of person. Whether it be my Christian upbringing or societal pressures, this open marriage thing just isn’t for me. I told him that and said I can’t do this again. That I’m done with this and done talking to him…

…yet I keep checking my phone compulsively to see if he messaged me back…and I get excited when he still does…and I’m addicted to how much he wants me…and I hate myself for that…

…… -___-.

He won’t let me go because he is “far too attracted to me at this point. [I] am so Goddamn sexy; [I] have no idea.” Whatever. I can tell he likes me that’s for sure. Whether or not that will last is anyone’s guess. I was hoping he had gotten over me. Maybe he likes the thrill of the chase. I’m thinking I’ve become his conquest. Every other girl just throws herself at him.

In any case, I won’t give him the satisfaction of getting anything from me. Which he didn’t again this time despite his repeated efforts.

Why can’t I just stop?!? Why is the idea of resisting this addiction so damn painful??!?

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!!!

FUCK BIPOLAR!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!

You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
You’re runnin’ and tryin’ and tryin’ to hide
And you’re wondering why you can’t get free
He’s like a curse; he’s like a drug
You get ADDICTED to his love
You wanna get out, but he’s holding ya down
‘Cause you can’t live without one more touch

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he’s candy-coated misery
He’s the devil in disguise
A SNAKE with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight
You better run for your life


22 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: Devil in Disguise

  1. Your buddy here got sick yesterday!!!!! Forgive my TMI but I’m spewing from both ends and surviving on tissues and Pepto Bismol cocktails! :(((( I’m a total bitch in an overheated cabin.

    Sorry…..please know I just want the best for you!! I’m not giving any advice, simply my love and support and my hopes that we will meet someday – I can get up to Mammoth someday, for sure!!!! I love that place and have been going there since I was little.

    hang in there,
    XO
    Sicky

    Liked by 1 person

  2. See. Here’s my thing. For the long haul I imagine “marrying” a man who is stable and tame because I’m already quite fierce and fiery. Then I realized I would end up always looking for more because that isn’t the type of man I like. Stability yes, but that’s necessarily achieved by choosing someone who is a cinnamon roll.

    We will burn cinnamon rolls. And they’ll come out charred. We need something a little more resistant, a little more tasty. I’m not sure how you met your husband, why you married him or even who he is, but I feel like perhaps you have denied a part of your innermost self all this time and tried to fit into the square peg and now it’s not working. I totally get the upbringing thing too. Don’t know if you’re still religious or not, but I get it. Very well.

    I’m facing the possibility of marrying a cinnamon roll… the thing is I know he will not satisfy and he won’t be enough. Life with him would be the square peg and it turns out I’m a triangle.

    I’ve heard all marriages lose spark. It’s bullshit. I’ve met people who are 50 years into their marriage and the spark is still there. How they do it? Don’t know. Maybe it’s a “normal” person ability.

    What I have learned is that my partner needs a little bit of madness and passion or it won’t last. Prefer the dude with a bit of bite than a cinnamon roll who can’t handle the over overheating.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I married a stable, patient man. He’s neither stable not patient now. We can thank my bipolar fire for that I suppose.

      It’s hard being in a marriage. Fucking hard. I think it is a rare thing to find ones “soul mate” – I envy those who have. I know a couple in South Africa (actually, two couples) who are for real soul mates. Their love for one another is so beautiful to behold, and I yearn for that kind of love. My husband loves me. I love him. But I feel like some sort of EXCITEMENT is missing. There should be fireworks – the good kind. Not the fighting all the time kind. That just makes for an unhappy marriage. But so does too much stability – well, for me anyway.

      I have been struggling with whether I should remain married or not because I crave that excitement that being single affords you. But I have children, so I couldn’t behave the way I did in my 20’s – it would be irresponsible and unfair to my kids, you know?

      I don’t have any answers. I think just be with someone who makes you happy. And pray that it holds! There are no absolutes.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I also say please see my latest really long reply to Zoe. I’m not sure about this or anything. I’m really lost and I kinda don’t want to face the problems. I just want them to disappear. So yeah. Sorry about last night. Thank you for your honesty and opening up to me. I really love how close we are despite the physical distance. Thank you again my friend for telling me what I needed to hear.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lola, I tried the “leaving my husband” thing in order to find more excitement. I have children, and even in the sickness of my mind I knew the thrill was not satisfying because my kids were being so badly hurt. So here I shall sit until they are grown and gone, I guess.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. So some mental clarity. I obviously got triggered kinda hard by this comment. Drank myself into oblivion. Hangover is still here. And the fact that Sandra agreed didn’t help.

      No I’m not mad at all. Neither am I blaming you or anything. I appreciate your honesty and welcome it ALWAYS. I need to hear it. That being said, cinnamon rolls are very sweet and delicate. My husband and I have some things to work through and I’m not prepared to give up on him. I’ll talk about my life with him in more Life Story excerpts. Plan on doing that when my mania dies down.

      Square peg triangle hole isn’t how I see myself. That could be denial or it might not be true. I don’t know. Honestly I’ve never allowed myself to think through something like that because I’m scared of the answer. So I’ll leave it with a “I’m too chickenshit to think about it right now and would rather try to shove the damn peg through the hole.” Scientific? No. But I’m too attached to the man I married to ever think of something like that. I’m sure I’ll come to that bridge one day.

      Honestly I just want to have a “normal” marriage and a “normal life.” That’s both impossible and unrealistic. But that’s me being stubborn and not fully accepting who I really am. I’m too afraid to admit that my marriage isn’t the same as those people who can live together for their entire lives and still keep the spark. I’m on year 4 and already it’s so difficult. How much of that was bipolar is anyone’s guess.

      Anyways…something I need to sit back and think about one day. Not now though. Not soon. No. I refuse.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re a sweetie! It could be worse – at least I don’t feel so guilty sitting around here & watching old episodes of Scandal & Game of Thrones! It’s cozy and we have pretty views of the snowy trees.
    XoXo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I thin Zoe says it very well when she says we will burn up cinnamon rolls. I also have no advice I can only hold your hand and let you know you are loved by many xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jess, I am so proud of you for resisting. I couldn’t have. You have a wonderful husband – mine would NEVER agree to an open marriage. Although I’m not sure I’d be ok with it either… Maybe I would? I just don’t know.

    I think you’re amazing. Sending lots of love xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

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