[Kaa]: “Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me
You can sleep safe and sound
Knowing I am around
Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly and surely your senses
Will cease to resist
Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me”
[The Jungle Book (1967 film) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114148/ ]
Ready. Set. Sail!
(Sweetheart don’t read this post please. It won’t help you)
Hello everyone. I’m here to give a status update because some of my followers are curious. It’s not good news.
So, if you have been following me lately you will know I’m manic and have been struggling with hypersexuality. My need for sexual satisfaction has lead to an unbearable force that weighs down on me every moment of every day. All day long. I’ve had no success in trying to get a hold of either my pdoc or my therapist (I blame the holiday overload). Therefore, action needed to be taken.
My husband and I decided, for the sake of nothing else, to try an open marriage for a brief trial period.
Now, just hear me out. This did NOT come from this manic episode. It came as a result of almost 2 years of marital issues compounded with my current state. I’d rather not go into detail about my husband because that’s not fair to him. So it’s not like I pressured him into it. In fact he was the first to agree to it.
And with that I contacted Mark. Again.
So basically, this 20 year old kid is STILL stuck in my life. The asshole didn’t block me on any apps at all! He actually tried a few times to hit me up on Skype over the last few months. Fuck! Yes I know this post is going to generate A LOT of discussion. I’m prepared for it.
So as I was mentioning before in my recent struggles, my Trail of Stability “has lead me up a mountain to the edge of a cliff. Directly under my feet is The Forbidden Forest. I can smell the smoke. The raging Fire going on below. I want in! Every puff of smoke that slithers into my lungs fills me with temptation and I can’t stop breathing it in. God I want it! I keep gliding my feet over the edge. How easy would it be to step off?”
Well…I stepped off. The landing wasn’t soft like it was last time when I aimlessly wandered in. No this was a crushing impact. Not only that, but it’s dead where I landed that scares me. Right back in the Snake’s Den.
This Snake is ruthless. Cunning and relentless it didn’t take very long for him to wrap me in his grasp. A few sweet words here and there and I fell for it again. Something about the way he slithers around my head leaves me spellbound. Why I chose to contact him again is what’s on this Snake’s mind:
“Did you call because you missed me?…
…Or what I can do to your body?
…Or the way I make you feel?”
Fuck not this again! Those words are like heroin. God it’s so hard to resist!! I hate it! It should signal danger yet I keep crawling back on hands and knees to him. He loves it too. He gets off on me trying to resist him. Heartless bastard!
And those eyes. Crimson red. Piercing and hypnotic. I lose all sense of time and space in them. Why can’t I shake off his spell?
For those of you who have seen the classic movie The Jungle Book, Mark reminds me a lot of Kaa. A deceptive Snake who lures man and animal to their doom. Forgive me if my movie knowledge is rusty but the animals in the forest know exactly who Kaa is and are careful not to look in his eyes lest they fall prey to his deceptions.
For me, I’m like an amateur snake charmer. However, African traditions of snake charming are rather careful for the most part. In some instances, the entire jaw except the space around the tongue opening is sewn shut to prevent the snake from biting. Other people use herbs to numb the jawline of the snake.
Me. Nothing. I have no weapons. I wander straight to up to the Snake and use whatever is left of my vocabulary to try not to get bit. As you can imagine, dumbstruck and horny doesn’t produce the Canterbury Tales.
It’s the fucking stupidest way to approach it. I have no idea what I’m doing or if I’ll make a sudden movement and accidentally get bit. Or worse.
I had a horrible dream the other night that is rather hard for me to talk about. Maybe some other time.
So there is my dilemma. Mark has me under his spell again. We met up and the same old same old. Spent about an hour trying to convince myself to leave. Then we hit it off in a crazy passionate firestorm. Then I felt sick to my stomach and hating myself. All this with PERMISSION from my husband! Lord! I just can’t be that kind of person. Whether it be my Christian upbringing or societal pressures, this open marriage thing just isn’t for me. I told him that and said I can’t do this again. That I’m done with this and done talking to him…
…yet I keep checking my phone compulsively to see if he messaged me back…and I get excited when he still does…and I’m addicted to how much he wants me…and I hate myself for that…
He won’t let me go because he is “far too attracted to me at this point. [I] am so Goddamn sexy; [I] have no idea.” Whatever. I can tell he likes me that’s for sure. Whether or not that will last is anyone’s guess. I was hoping he had gotten over me. Maybe he likes the thrill of the chase. I’m thinking I’ve become his conquest. Every other girl just throws herself at him.
In any case, I won’t give him the satisfaction of getting anything from me. Which he didn’t again this time despite his repeated efforts.
Why can’t I just stop?!? Why is the idea of resisting this addiction so damn painful??!?
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!!!
FUCK BIPOLAR!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!
You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
You’re runnin’ and tryin’ and tryin’ to hide
And you’re wondering why you can’t get free
He’s like a curse; he’s like a drug
You get ADDICTED to his love
You wanna get out, but he’s holding ya down
‘Cause you can’t live without one more touchHe’s a good time cowboy Casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he’s candy-coated misery
He’s the devil in disguise
A SNAKE with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight
You better run for your life