Ready. Set. Sail!
(Warning: contains strong sexual content and language)
So here I am.
Lost and afraid. Broken compass again.
Honestly, I’m not doing well at all. There are so many things going on in my head that I need to address. But I can’t seem to grab at anything. Or think clearly.
The truth is I’ve given in. I’ve surrendered. And that’s what is making me ill. There hasn’t been any kind of relief for me at all in any sense of the word. I’m so Goddamn tired. My body is physically exhausted. It’s gotten to the point where I only have a few short hours in the day where I can stay awake. I try to sleep but my mind won’t let me rest. I keep thinking about all that I’m doing and how disappointed in myself I’ve become that I just can’t stay asleep. I’ve been getting no more than an hour or so worth of sleep in one sitting throughout the night. My mind is racing at 1000mph all night long. I’m restless. Tossing and turning. I can’t shut the thoughts off. When I do sleep I have nightmares. When I am awake I’m just horny and itching for release.
I was able to get a hold of my pdoc last week and she got me off the Wellbutrin finally! I see her on Tuesday. I feel like I hit it too high though. I pushed myself to a place I haven’t been before and I regret it. The orgasmic rush is too intense. It zaps me of my energy right after the release. But then I need more. At one point, I came so many times I thought my brain was going to explode. I had horrible shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Mindful meditation helped me calm down and then I took a Klonopin and passed out for a couple hours.
And yeah, the open marriage thing is still going. The worst part about this is I can’t seem to figure out how to stop this. I can tell my husband is in hell. He panics whenever my phone goes off. He is constantly wondering if I’m talking to Mark. Which, for the record, I still am. But it hasn’t been anything other than video games and Star Wars as of late. So there. Nothing juicy.
And for those of you who commented last time, I’m being very mindful of the power of heat on baked goods.
The Snake tried to get me to talk to him the other night but I just wasn’t in the mood. And by “talk” I mean phone sex. I can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. I won’t do this to my “sweet and soft” husband. I refuse. But yet my mind keeps begging me to give in. I know I have permission but that doesn’t change my character. I DON’T want to get used to it. I want it to end. I want the urge to die.
I keep trying to reach for the phone and block everything but it’s like my body won’t let me. It can’t handle not having the possibility of having one last round with Mark. To be honest, I just want it over. I feel compelled to contact him and I get excited whenever he messages me. It’s despicable.
And you wanna know something? I feel like I deserve it. I don’t get this kind of constant attention from a guy. Not ever.
Grabbing my arm trying to find the vein. Wrapping it tight in a rag to slow the blood flow. I reach across the table to the syringe and place the tip of the needle right at the bulging point. Pressing slowly into my body, the needle tears into my skin and I plunge down the poison into my system. Letting go of the rag I let the liquid travel all throughout my system and ignite every part of my body ablaze. It’s so sweet. Such a tender perfect thing. My eyes roll back and I take in every morsel of ecstasy. Higher and higher I climb until my body jerks back and I let it all go.
Then the feeling slowly fades and I’m left with the desire for another hit.
Oh I’m sorry what that too much for you? You want to hear about Depression right? That’s an easier topic to swallow. I’m sorry that most people can go into detail about the dark depressive side and not the high addictive side.
You’re on my blog. We are all adults here.
Deal with it.
Bipolar isn’t just Depression. It isn’t just about feeling lifeless, empty, and devoid of all will to live. It’s also the opposite. The intense urge to satisfy yourself with worldly pleasures like overspending and hypersexuality.
The difference comes from the desire to not want to be in pain anymore. That hole I climbed out of is so far below me right now that I’ll do anything I can to prevent myself from falling in. So I feed the Mania if by no other choice than because I’m afraid of the inevitable fall. I’m scared. I’m terrified. That’s it. And it’s hard to fight something that is no longer forbidden. I’m not sure but my plan to stop it when I cool off a little is to get rid of the opportunity. I know exactly what to say to piss this kid off to never talk to me ever again. With that, I’ll finally be able to refocus my energy on something safer like a porn marathon.
The worst part about knowing all of this is not being able to stop myself. It’s true I need to stop and find help. I’ve just become so used to the high that I can’t seem to get myself to stop. And why should I when I don’t have to?
What I want is to find a nice mellow constant high and not feel dependent on some college guy for self-medication. I have an idea on how to get him to stop contacting me but I’ve offset the plan due to the holidays. I can’t crush him now it’s not in my nature. But I’ll find a way to piss him off and then have friends help me patch up the loose ends. Hopefully this time I’ll be able to stop myself before I get the urge to contact him again.
I apologize if this post isn’t as eloquent or uplifting as my other posts but my brain is somewhere else lately and it’s difficult to focus on just one thing at a time. But I don’t want this state I’m in to hide the truth. I’m being honest and that hurts because I don’t want you to see me like this: desperate and pathetic. I want to be the hero that makes a difference not the loser that gave in.
You may not believe me right now because you can only assume based on what you read but I’m fighting every moment of every day not to go crawling back to that Snake. You only see the failures and not my successes. Every moment I say no to him is my own personal success and I’m happy that I haven’t seen him since Monday. That’s hard enough on its own.
Oh and if anyone has God’s number let me know. I keep asking for help and he hasn’t returned any of my calls. Just FYI.
Feel free to comment. I welcome all opinions whether I agree with them or not.