Ready. Set. Sail!
Last night was it. I ended it with Mark. Permanently.
Blocked. Erased. Reset. Deleted. Uninstalled.
Every trace of him.
Husband took over my accounts. Changed my passwords. Deleted Mark’s contact info. Blocked his phone number. Uninstalled my apps.
And I gave him the green light. He did it within a heartbeat. Apparently he was ready for it. You should’ve seen the look on his face!
…then I drank. And drank. Cried and drank. He’s gone for good now. Starting the New Year out on a clean slate. Yet I’m still manic and hypersexual. The Fire I used to fuel my sexual desires is now burning every inch of my body. Scorching fucking hot! I can feel it peeling and charring my skin, my eyes, my heart. The Smoke is choking my lungs; making me weak. I can hardly breath. Hot burning tears run down my cheeks…
..and then I woke up this morning. New Year’s Eve…and I realized something…
…Mark can go fuck himself.
Seriously, that’s not a request. Mark can go shove his head up his ass and fuck himself.
That asshole, dick-faced, stupid, misogynistic, shitty, foul, womanizing son-of-a-bitch cockgoblin (Thanks Stephanie!) can go to town on himself and I’ll sit here and laugh.
No I didn’t say goodbye. He didn’t deserve it and I didn’t care to do it. He made fun of tribe in a conversation yesterday morning. It was so mind-blowingly stupid that I can’t remember the exact phrase I must’ve blocked it out. Something along the lines of “You think because you have a mental illness you have the same disability rights as someone who is actually disabled?”
Zoe try not to pop a blood vessel.
In any case I didn’t want 2016 to start out with him in it. I really really didn’t. So I ended it. Left the Snake’s Den unannounced. On my way out of The Forbidden Forest back to the Trail of Stability. Not that I’m Stable or anything but I’m making my way back. The Fire hurts but like I say all the time you have the power to fight back. It’ll hurt like a motherfucker…and it does…but that doesn’t mean you can’t fight back. I can feel my armor melting into my skin but I’m not going back. I refuse.
My mind is still racing so this post is taking a while. Sorry if it’s still scatterbrained.
In honor of “cleaning house” I’m looking back on this year and wondering. I’m a HUGE musical junkie! So really. Being serious but quoting Rent. 525,600 minutes in the course of a year. How do you measure a year in a life? I agree with them that you measure in love. I loved my husband to death this year. I have for almost 12 years. He is my all and I just couldn’t watch him suffer anymore. So I used my love for him to make the final decision to cut off the Snake.
Because I’m a sexy ass motherfucker and I stand by my convictions. I’m strong. Andrew told me to jettison the self-hate talk so I’m stopping. I fought long and hard this year. We ALL did. And that’s something to be proud of. We all make mistakes. “I have miles to go before I sleep.” I’m not going to let other people’s opinions of me color me anymore. At least I’m going to try.
You can push me. Yell at me. Kick me. Spit in my face. But I’ll find a way to get back up again. I. Will. Get. Back. Up. What doesn’t kill me only makes me that much stronger!
This girl is on fire!
And has a motherfucking chainsaw!! You heard me? A MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAW!!!
DON’T FUCK WITH ME!
I have a lot more to say but I’ll keep this post short today.
I’ll end with a stream of obscenities. Just in case Mark ever stumbles on The Bipolar Compass:
“FUCK YOU DUDE!!! FUCK YOU!!! COCKSUCKER!!! STUPID FUCKING BASTARD!! PIECE OF SHIT!!! Honestly! You turned out to be BEST thing I NEVER had!!!”
Now here are 3 awesome songs that have been on blast on my playlist. (Make sure to at least check out the last one or the post title won’t make much sense!).
Take care tribe and friends/family of tribe.
See you in 2016!
I can’t believe I ever stayed up writing songs about you
You don’t deserve to know the way I used to think about you
Oh no not anymore, oh no not anymore
You had your shot, had your shot, but you let go
Now if we meet out on the street I won’t be running scared
I’ll walk right up to you and PUT ONE FINGER IN THE AIR
And make you understand, and make you understand
You had your chance, had your chance
But even if the stars and moon collide
I NEVER WANT YOU BACK INTO MY LIFE
You can take your words and ALL YOUR LIES
Oh oh oh I really don’t care
So sad, you’re hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care
YOU DON’T DESERVE MY TEARS
I guess that’s why they ain’t there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ASS and baby yes I SAW THE REAL YOU!
Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
Baby good lookin’ out
I wanted you bad
I’m so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (BEST THING I NEVER HAD)
I said, you turned out to be the (BEST THING I NEVER HAD)
And I’ll never be the (BEST THING I NEVER HAD)
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now
Last but CERTAINLY not least…my sista’ from anotha mista. Another half-Jamaican goddess…Alicia Keys.
Looks like a girl, but she’s a FLAME
So bright, she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but YOU’LL NEVER FORGET HER NAME
She’s on top of the world
HOTTEST of the hottest girls say
Oh, we got our feet on the ground
And we’re burning it down
Oh, got our head in the clouds
And we’re not coming downThis girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She’s walking on fire
This girl is on fire