Ready. Set. Sail!
What am I doing wrong?
I thought I had a voice. I thought I had a means to make a difference. I thought people would listen to me.
How is it the more I write and the more I put myself out there, the more pushback I get?
I’ve been networking and linking and doing all these Meet and Greet and chatting on forums and I still keep LOSING followers. I created a Flipboard for my site. I met up with Janice from Mostly Blogging and participated in a linkup party. Yet despite all this, I’ve been consistently getting lower and lower stats despite my repeated attempts to increase traffic. I’ve done so much but the people of Twitter find I’m not worth their time anymore. Especially the International Bipolar Foundation. Is it because my “material” isn’t entertaining anymore?
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
I poured my heart out in my post about people who troll on mental health blogs. That was one of my favorite posts. I’m proud of it. It’s been dying off. And I can only imagine that it’s because it talks about sex and has a lot of curse words in it. Just because I say the word “fuck” on my blog doesn’t mean you need to be scared and run for the hills. Obviously Dropping Keys doesn’t seem to mind my style of writing since my article is #5 Top Most Read Post! Yeah. True story.
Lately things have been turning sour. I attempted to create a Pinterest account and just recently had my account suspended. I can’t login and I’m pretty sure they scrapped it. I emailed them asking why and never got a response. I just emailed them again and it seems that my content is too sexually explicit so I wrote them back for further clarification:
Could someone please tell me why my account has been suspended despite the fact that all I have been posting is about my struggles with my mental illness? This seems to be an act of discrimination if it was suspended for that reason. Having a disability and posting about my symptoms shouldn’t get my account suspended. Would you suspend an account of a person struggling with cancer?
I just can’t seem to put a smile on my face right now. That’s a lot of blog traffic I’m losing considering the fact that I asked to be on the Bipolar and Mental Health Board that has thousands of followers and was accepted. I got on and then got shut down.
My life just feels meaningless right now. It’s as if I was walking along the Trail of Stability and, without warning, fell into this dark Pit of Despair. Clear path under my feet, I walk along this cold and empty trail. My compass is pointing me forward towards a tall mountain. It’s working now! It’s telling me that I can climb the highest mountain! That I can hike up that trail to the very top and shout my message from the rising summit!
As I’m walking along, strutting with confidence, I trip and land into a deep dark Pit. After catching my breath and staggering up in pain, I look up to find I’m trapped and the walls are too high to climb. I don’t have anything on me to scale these dirty, cragged walls. There is no way out! Spiderwebs and dried up tree leaves are my only friends down here. I dig my nails into the dirty walls and try and pull myself up only to find I have no foot-holds to boost me. So I fall back onto the cold hard ground. I can’t get out and frankly don’t see the point in trying.
I’m laying in bed crying my eyes out. Red and puffy, my eyes have the look of disappointment and apathy. Who cares? Why bother? If I can’t make a difference then what’s the point? I want to be the voice to help people struggling to make sense of their thoughts and urges. I want to tell them it’s going to be OK. That life goes on.
One of my followers told me that I “opened her eyes” to hypersexuality. That she researched about it online and found that even therapists don’t want to touch this subject. How sad is that? That shouldn’t be the case.
So as I lay in this cold dirty Pit, I close my eyes and just lay there. It’s not like anyone is going to miss me anyways.