Hiking Along The Trail: The Fall Into The Pit

Ready. Set. Sail!

What am I doing wrong?

I thought I had a voice. I thought I had a means to make a difference. I thought people would listen to me.

How is it the more I write and the more I put myself out there, the more pushback I get?

I’ve been networking and linking and doing all these Meet and Greet and chatting on forums and I still keep LOSING followers. I created a Flipboard for my site. I met up with Janice from Mostly Blogging and participated in a linkup party. Yet despite all this, I’ve been consistently getting lower and lower stats despite my repeated attempts to increase traffic. I’ve done so much but the people of Twitter find I’m not worth their time anymore. Especially the International Bipolar Foundation. Is it because my “material” isn’t entertaining anymore?

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open

I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

-Rachel Platten

I poured my heart out in my post about people who troll on mental health blogs. That was one of my favorite posts. I’m proud of it. It’s been dying off. And I can only imagine that it’s because it talks about sex and has a lot of curse words in it. Just because I say the word “fuck” on my blog doesn’t mean you need to be scared and run for the hills. Obviously Dropping Keys doesn’t seem to mind my style of writing since my article is #5 Top Most Read Post! Yeah. True story.

Lately things have been turning sour. I attempted to create a Pinterest account and just recently had my account suspended. I can’t login and I’m pretty sure they scrapped it. I emailed them asking why and never got a response. I just emailed them again and it seems that my content is too sexually explicit so I wrote them back for further clarification:

Could someone please tell me why my account has been suspended despite the fact that all I have been posting is about my struggles with my mental illness? This seems to be an act of discrimination if it was suspended for that reason. Having a disability and posting about my symptoms shouldn’t get my account suspended. Would you suspend an account of a person struggling with cancer?

I just can’t seem to put a smile on my face right now. That’s a lot of blog traffic I’m losing considering the fact that I asked to be on the Bipolar and Mental Health Board that has thousands of followers and was accepted. I got on and then got shut down.

My life just feels meaningless right now. It’s as if I was walking along the Trail of Stability and, without warning, fell into this dark Pit of Despair. Clear path under my feet, I walk along this cold and empty trail. My compass is pointing me forward towards a tall mountain. It’s working now! It’s telling me that I can climb the highest mountain! That I can hike up that trail to the very top and shout my message from the rising summit!

As I’m walking along, strutting with confidence, I trip and land into a deep dark Pit. After catching my breath and staggering up in pain, I look up to find I’m trapped and the walls are too high to climb. I don’t have anything on me to scale these dirty, cragged walls. There is no way out! Spiderwebs and dried up tree leaves are my only friends down here. I dig my nails into the dirty walls and try and pull myself up only to find I have no foot-holds to boost me. So I fall back onto the cold hard ground. I can’t get out and frankly don’t see the point in trying.

I’m laying in bed crying my eyes out. Red and puffy, my eyes have the look of disappointment and apathy. Who cares? Why bother? If I can’t make a difference then what’s the point? I want to be the voice to help people struggling to make sense of their thoughts and urges. I want to tell them it’s going to be OK. That life goes on.

One of my followers told me that I “opened her eyes” to hypersexuality. That she researched about it online and found that even therapists don’t want to touch this subject. How sad is that? That shouldn’t be the case.

So as I lay in this cold dirty Pit, I close my eyes and just lay there. It’s not like anyone is going to miss me anyways.

 

 


52 thoughts on “Hiking Along The Trail: The Fall Into The Pit

  1. This is why I don’t promote my blog or network. I can’t deal with backlash and censoring my feelings and words to appease mindless masses. It does lead to that dark pit and much as I enjoy blogging and “meeting” other bloggers…
    I have to be true to myself, even if it means my blog is the road less traveled. Least the traffic I do get is quality people.

    Liked by 8 people

    1. Quality over quantity is most important to me but at the same time I just feel like why can’t I do both? Why can’t I be me and reach ears? There shouldn’t be a reason why I can’t. Maybe I’m just selfish. I don’t really know anymore.

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Quantity can take time but you can have quality from day 1. I will be honest with you, when my blog was 100% mental health focused followers were slow building. However when I branched out a bit (still with a focus on mental health) numbers jumped a bit.

        Blog for yourself, not for numbers. You might end up happier for it.

        Liked by 6 people

      2. Thanks Vic. Numbers aren’t my goal. Blog traffic is only great for me because that means I reach ears. That it. I like data. You should see my Excel spreadsheet for my moods and medications (plus menstruation…sorry dude TMI ;-)). BUT. You are right. It takes time. I’m just impatient and discouraged. Like I told Hubby, thank you so much for sticking with me through the marriage incident. I really really REALLY appreciate it. I’m so glad to get your support. I need more husbands to support me for my sanity. Take care!

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Think about it this way: If you can reach just one ear and make a difference, then isn’t that all worth it?!

        Oh yea – I am married so TMI would be difficult to do since I hear TMI from my wife every day, lol.

        😁

        Liked by 3 people

  2. The quantity trick looks just like that to me, a trick. There are blogs which get 800 likes, when the post isn’t about anything really. But then there aren’t any patterns because quality blogs with many followers exist as well… I suppose if there was a pattern we would be in on it as well huh?
    I hope thinks take an upswing for you; I gave up a while back on “Asperger” orientated content and just treat my blog as a quasi-digital-diary (can’t even do that properly)
    Anyway! Here’s to your blog reachin (and touching) more lives. We need more folk like you who are good at expressing and guiding those in mentally difficult corners.
    (Way too long comment) sorry. Hope you feel better.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Your comment isn’t too long. I appreciate the longer ones. Mine is going to be short because I can’t think right now. Thanks Asperger. It’s quality like you and Morgue and J R that make me want to keep trying. And everyone else who reads my stuff but can’t comment because it’s WP peeps only (troll repellant). Anyways. Thank you. This comment means more to me than you realize. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Really. I mean it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I would miss you enormously. You have inspired me to write about hyper sexuality in the South African context, so please do not lose faith!

    Don’t check your stats. Stats DO NOT matter. What matters is what you have to say. Just keep saying it. Keep shouting from the mountain tops – its takes time for sound to travel… give it some time. You WILL be heard (you ARE being heard).

    Liked by 9 people

  4. Jess,
    It seems you and me started our blogs around same time. I do not think it’s helpful to compare mine to yours, because we have different goals, style, and target audience, BUT you’ve seem to make an amazing start after only 3 months!
    I want to echo other comments here – stick at it and I am sure you’ll reach your goals.
    Take care, friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Hubby. You always seemed to stick by my side even when you were concerned about what was going on with my marriage. Thank you for not abandoning me during that time. It means so much to have a husband’s support for my sanity. Take care as well dude!

      Like

      1. Hope you don’t mind, just another thought about your expressed frustrations & drop in motivation…
        I am not your doc or your therapist, but the feelings you described could relate to a slight shift ‘down a gear’ from your recent manic episode that you described so well, particularly here:
        https://bipolarcompassblog.wordpress.com/2015/12/17/the-divine-gift-gods-and-godesses/
        SO, actually, it might not be such a bad thing, still unpleasant, but if you allow this wave to pass, accept all the encouragement you received here to continue moving forward. I am sure the next wave will restrengthen your motivation, while continuing your road to greater stability.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hubby you probably know my moods A LOT better than my pdoc and therapist do. They are always the ones asking me what’s going on. And I mentioned to Vic that I have a complex Excel spreadsheet that includes all my moods, sleep patterns, medications, menstruation, and notes. It’s highly sophisticated. So yeah I’ve slowly been coming down off my mania but the Pinterest issue is what triggered this mellow “depression”. Have I hit rock bottom. No. But I’m getting there. I’m just highly unmotivated. It’s just hard for me to care right now. Thanks for the support but I just don’t know if I want to keep trying. I just don’t.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I noticed things slowed down around the holidays and are starting to pick up. I am not a stat watcher. I go by new followers. They stopped for a while. Starting again. Love and hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m eating cookie dough right now – that’s how this day is going so far!

    I started blogging consistently in fall of 2013. Although I get *very* bummed out when I look at my stats and my blood pressure goes up when I do the “comparison game” with much more popular bloggers, I know that it’s a bunch of bullshit.

    Please let these horrible feelings pass (I hope they passed already) and don’t give up!!!!
    I’m there for you & believe in you, Jess. I hope by the time you’re reading this you’re feeling better.

    Much love to you, my talented friend!!!!!
    XOXO
    Dy

    p.s. I am still so disappointed with the Intl. Bipolar Foundation’s bizarre and rudeTwitter behavior! But thanks to your helping me calm down yesterday when I was so upset (you were a huge help – thank you!!!!)
    I’m not firing off angry tweets or DM’s or emails to their new director or to the co-founder Muffy.
    Yet. 😉

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Again Dyane. Please don’t. It’s super fucking dumb they aren’t paying attention to you. Like you were their writer. I’m a nobody. I’m still trucking along and I’m feeling better but still discouraged. Trying to stay chipper. Glad people on my blog are supportive. They are so so kind it’s amazing. Just feels like I hit a stop. Lost my mojo. So unmotivated. So reaching out is going to be sort of dead. I dunno. We’ll see. Just feel like shit. I never realized how much I cared to write. Vic is right though. If I can reach one ear and make a difference that should be worth it. And it is. But I want to reach for the stars. And I want to be the best. And I want it to be me. So yeah. These roadblocks have me stopped right now. Too tired to care.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are not a nobody!!!!!
        No way, never, no how!
        You are an INTREPID PIONEER!!!!

        And Vic is right – he is full of good sense & thank God, he hasn’t lost his sense of humor despite all the challenges he has been faced with.

        I was also blown off by Bipolar UK yesterday on Twitter – at least someone replied to me but it was such a weird, bullshit, patronizing reply I couldn’t believe it!

        What I will do (when I have the motivation) is to write them both very calm, grounded emails about my concerns and then let it go.

        I’d write more, but guess who ate too much gross cookie dough????? Usually cookie dough is great, but the new brand I bought *sucked*. Never again!

        Sending you big hugs – it’ll get better, Jess. Soak in the support on your blog – you get truly incredible, thoughtful caring comments. Xo

        Liked by 4 people

    1. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I don’t accept blog awards. I’ve turned down a few already. I want my work to speak for itself and I honestly don’t think my actions merit an award. I think I can get people to recognize me without an award.

      Thank you very very much for the nomination and congratulations on yours. I think you definitely deserve it and I agree with the people you chose on your list.
      You are very sweet and kind.
      Take care my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You do not come across as ungrateful. I understand the reluctance to accept awards; I also haven’t accepted each one that has come my way. Take care of yourself – I will continue reading your posts and supporting you!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Without a marketing team and campaign, it’s damned hard to reach people. You can’t write quality material plus maintain a hundred social media connections. It’s fucking exhausting. Getting shut out, tho – that’s rude. I’ve had that happen as well; promises of support and then you get there and it isn’t at ALL what they said it would be. Screw them.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Don’t get discouraged, as Vic said, just reaching one person is worth it. I don’t even bother to check any stats at all. I have two blogs (they share a lot of content, but I don’t update them too often), and I have no idea whether anyone reads them (or Twitter/Pinterest/Facebook). I write for the ones that do.

    Anyway, keep it up, some of us read your stuff, and like it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. hey

    everything that everyone said is true. I feel like this a lot hence my post about blogging being a triggering bitch

    http://bipolarfirst.com/2016/01/06/blogging-is-a-triggering-bitch-but-some-shit-just-matters/

    i said a lot of what I feel like saying now in that post.

    it is a nasty game….views are up but no comments…tons of comments but no likes….more followers but less visitors…more likes but less views….

    you can only drive yourself crazy with it

    it is not easy but the only way is to purify your intentions and your heart. and just focus on what really matters

    not everyone is in this for the right reasons….

    and they can be threatened by those who are.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I like what you said in that post. It’s so easy to get caught up in the rush of likes and views and comments that I forget I’ve made real friends here. I forgot that despite me loving my blog (it’s my baby!) that some people just don’t care about bipolar.

    What you said about ‘“normal” people don’t share and like and want to know about Bipolar’ is so true but I forget. I forget they don’t care.
    Thank you so much for sharing that post. It helped calm me down. I need to make sure I don’t fall into the trap of making this into entertainment. Because fuck that I’m SO not posting 10 times a day and handing out garbage. That’s fine for people who do but that’s not me.

    I ONLY write when I’m inspired and the words are flowing. When it becomes too much to to hold in my thoughts.

    I never thought I would write or become a blogger EVER. Because I hated writing before this. Too much work. I’m a scientist not a writer. I hated Creative Writing classes. So it made no sense.

    I started this blog because I had to get it out that the shame from what I did to my husband needed to be invalidated. I needed someone to tell me I’m not a bad person and I wanted to show people that my struggles are valid. That’s the point. I want equal treatment. I want to be able to come out of the supposed bipolar closet and tell people “I’m here and things worked out.”

    And as many people’s relationships I can save is what my goal is. I want everyone to hear even if some of them don’t listen. The people that do are worth it.

    And the WP community here. You Claya. And Lola. And Dyane. And anyone else who has given me advice is why I keep coming back. Years of time and money have been saved because of you and them.

    What you said in your post is true. The newbies like me need to hear your opinion if only to have an option to make their bipolar less horrible. That’s what you do and you above all other blogs inspired and continue to inspire me to fight. I’ve just reached the end of my rope and I’m afraid I’ve lost momentum. So I’m going to step back and do some searching inside me as to what I want and what I can accomplish.

    Sorry this is long but you deserve my full answer.

    Thank you so much for caring. I’m not asking you to be my mentor but I definitely look up to you whether you like it or not.

    And if people’s feathers are ruffled about what I say then fine. They can go somewhere else.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I support your goal to save as many relationships as possible by sharing your struggles. “I want everyone to hear even if some of them don’t listen. The people that do are worth it.” Absolutely!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. If they don’t want to follow you they wouldn’t be a good follower in my honest opinion. Your blog posts are well written, I think it’s about just finding the right people. Especially if they’re bipolar they might go back and forth lol. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s my opinion as well. If you are following just to follow and read then cool. Please at least read if you are going to follow. I don’t need the numbers. I want the active listeners. So I’m trying to find them because I know they’re out there. Thanks for the comment. I’ve been struggling with typing and mentally just exhausted so I’m taking a break. Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Hello my lovely

    I hope you are feeling a tad better. I have no words for you on this, I blog for me, so while I am thrilled when I get likes, comments or follows, to me you can follow but its the interaction that counts. Why would you want thousands of follows but only two people interacting with your posts, sometimes even a like is meaningless, but comments, if you have one person comment a worthwhile comment then you have reached one person, which is far better than thousands of people skimming your post.

    Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s just it though. I don’t really care for the numbers but I want to reach people. I want to get my message out there.

      I started my blog to get out the shame from what I did to my husband and find people who also struggled with this kind of bipolar. I’ll admit sometimes I get wrapped up in the Stats. But the thing is I want to help save as many people’s relationships I can save. That’s my goal. I want everyone to hear even if some of them don’t listen. The people that do are worth it.

      I absolutely love the WP community. People like you are worth posting. I’m just discouraged because I can’t seem to get my message out fast enough. I’m impatient. And I’m crashing from my mania and I’m just so depressed and unmotivated. I feel empty and on the verge of crying all the time.

      At this point, all I want to do is hide.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Its different for different people, as you well know, but for me, hiding in a fort for a few days is good. But you know I read through your comments on this post and personally what I would do is take each and every of your responses and put them in a post, because even on this one, you come across as raw and brilliant

        Liked by 1 person

  14. I’ve only recently discovered your blog and I like it a lot. In life as with moods there are times when everything just works out for you and times when life gives you a kick in the face. The season will turn, just keep on swimming swimming swimming…

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Jess – I love your stuff. It screams raw and honest. I have no idea what your stats are but your feelings are valid and real. You are lucky to have made friends with so many people who obviously love you and your writing. I get likes but no comments. I am such an internalized person and I guess it shows in my words. I am alone and I often ache from it. I’d love to develop blogging friends who will help me grow. I’m BP II and don’t have mania which might be a little handy sometimes . I guess I sound off putting or am too diverse. I’m not on other social media other than a vague presence on Facebook. I’m functionally WP illiterate ( took about 10 hrs to do a gallery but can’t input images into stories or poems. ) My TBI means I constantly forget what I learned a minute before so it’s self defeating and very disheartening. And I’d be swearing more if I wasn’t such a ministers daughter and my mother observes from wherever she is. I assume heaven but with her you never know. So all this is to say if I had people who really support me I would be really grateful. So what if Pinterest doesn’t get you. A lot of people appreciate your giving voice to their experiences. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am very fortunate to have developed such close relationships with my blogging friends. I know they care and it shows in their writing. My writing is here to help people. I want to make positive changes in people’s lives. I’m so sorry you are alone. If you want to develop relationships with people online, then you have to put yourself out there. I care about you. Your so wonderfully kind and supportive. I’m so sorry about your mom. If you need a friend, I’ll be here for you.

      Like

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