The Reason I Blog: A Cry For Help

Ready. Set. Sail!

Hello everyone. I’m back. Not the way I wanted but here I am. Broken and hopeless. Bipolar tends to knock the wind out of you sometimes but for some reason I need to talk now and this is one of the only things I know that really helps me heal.

So why do I blog?

It’s so easy to get caught up in the rush of likes and views and comments that I forget I’ve made real friends here. I forget that despite me loving my blog (it’s my baby!) that some people just don’t care about bipolar. Or about me. Sometimes I forget they don’t care. And when my stats hit a low point, I just feel unmotivated and discouraged.

I need to make sure I don’t fall into the trap of making this into entertainment. Because fuck that I’m SO not posting 10 times a day and handing out garbage. That’s fine for people who can and do hand out quality, but that’s not me.

I never thought I would write or become a blogger EVER. Because I hated writing before this. Too much work. I’m a scientist not a writer. I hated Creative Writing classes. So it made no sense.

I started this blog because I had to get out the shame from what I did to my husband. I needed someone to tell me I’m not a bad person and I wanted to show people that my struggles are valid. That’s the point. And now I want to be able to come out of the supposed bipolar closet and tell people “I’m here and things worked out” even though sometimes I just want to give up.

As many people’s relationships I can save is what my goal is now. I want everyone to hear even if some of them don’t listen. The people that do are worth it.

And the WP community here has given me such great advice and support. It’s the reason why I keep coming back. Years of time and money have been saved because of you my friends.

But my policy on this blog is raw and honest and I ONLY write when I’m inspired and the words are flowing. When it becomes too much to to hold in my thoughts. Today was too much and I need to tell my story.

_______________________________________

I went to the dentist today. It was supposed to be a routine cleaning. Mind you I’m terrified of the dentist despite having a great set of teeth. However, there was some rather serious news. It turns out that my gum line has receded significantly and I wouldn’t be able to do a standard cleaning. They have to reschedule me for two deep cleanings where they administer anesthetic and only clean one side of my mouth at a time.

During the tests, they wondered in awe at how my gums could recede 3 mm on average in only 1.5 years! They asked me if my diet or anything had changed. With a shocked look on his face, my dentist Dr. A. asked me,”What happened?!” Being utterly embarrassed and lost for words, I simply said, “Since I saw you last I’ve been on a few different medications.”

“How many medications?” he replied.

“A few,” I said.

“For what?”

“….um…mental…um…illness…” I stuttered.

I couldn’t even find the words to say “bipolar.” Not with him and those nurses staring down at me with their judgemental eyes.

He left and said that his hygienists are booked for the day so they won’t be able to do the deep cleaning but that they will make sure to do it soon since it’s urgent.

I have to mention that when I checked in, I was told by the front desk that they no longer take my insurance. That they would need to talk to my insurance company in order to determine if they could cover these two procedures. In the end it seems like they were able to get through and had me sign a paper that would have otherwise been the bill. It’s amazing how much a dentist can charge for something along the lines of a cleaning. Let’s just say it was steep and I don’t have the money to pay for it.

After the inquiry by Dr. A., I was immediately given a lecture by the head nurse about taking care of my health. That something like this is very serious and I don’t want to lose my teeth.

Lose. My. Teeth.

The bitch looked me in the eyes and told me I needed to “take care of my health.” Like I don’t try to do that already. That from the moment I wake up in the morning to do my 6am workouts, to my plant-based whole foods diet, to all the psych meds I have to take throughout the fucking day that I don’t mind my health. What did she think I did this on purpose?

How much effort does it take to mind every single fucking thing about yourself? Huh? How much? I’m constantly monitoring my moods and weight and food and water and exercise and pills. CONSTANTLY! I go to therapy every week. I do pdoc checkups every other week. I do my regular pap smears and breast exams. I do it all. Except this. I neglected this. Because the last time I was in Dr. A. commented on the fact that in all his years of practice, he hasn’t seen such a health set of teeth minus the 3 cavities I had.

So now I’m just lazy apparently in their eyes. And that wasn’t even the worst part. You should’ve seen the looks on their faces. Like they just discovered a rare new species while examining my teeth. How condescending and callous they were. All the “Oh dear! That’s not good!” and “Yeah that’s bad.” It took a lot to hold back the tears. I kept telling them I don’t know what happened. And when I mentioned “mental illness” I got a look of superiority and pity.

Let me get one thing straight. I don’t need anyone’s fucking pity! For Christ’s sake, what I need is a break! I need a break from having to monitor my Goddamn health 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. I need a fucking break from shoveling these fucking pills into my mouth every day and having to spend all this extra time and money on MORE doctor visits to deal with the side effects of these fucking things.

The fact that I don’t get a choice in the matter is what is making me rage cry right now. It’s not fucking fair. IT’S. NOT. FAIR! I do my best. And I just. I just….

…I want a break. I want to just live. I didn’t want to drive home angry and scared and embarrassed like I did this intentionally. I didn’t want to spend the rest of the day in bed crying and cursing and feeling like a useless piece of shit. Like giving up. Like I’ll try and I’ll try and everything will just fall apart no matter what I do.

What I wanted was not to fall so far from the Mania that I hit a severe Depression. What I wanted was to climb out of this Pit with trumpets and announce to the world that I’m back and ready for action.

What I got was a one way ticket back to the Cemetery.

For those of you who are new or who may have forgotten, I finally included a Map to help people understand my journey and how far I’ve come. Right now, I’m stuck in Depression. I’m cursed with doubt and hopelessness. All I am doing is wandering aimlessly amongst the fallen. Dead inside. Empty. Gliding along; disconnected from reality. Past the cold rocky terrain of a place once known for peaceful, quiet reverence. Ghouls and demons follow behind me. Crooked and creepy looking creatures. They mock me and laugh at my misfortune. One of them confronts me and tells me one simple thing: “Your future is grey.”

I believe him. My future is grey. Marked with the sign of the devil. The cross of bipolar bearing it’s intolerable weight down on my back. I have to carry this and all its consequences with me the rest of my life. Every. Single. Day. Why the fuck is living even worth it if all I do is suffer?!

Why tell you guys all this? Because I had to get it off my chest and this is my blog and my space and I want to use it again. I miss it. Fuck the stats. I want to talk even if no one listens. I want to know things are going to be OK. Because I feel like it’s not. And I feel dead….

…it’s hard to hear the cries of the dead when they’re reaching out for help…

 


38 thoughts on “The Reason I Blog: A Cry For Help

  1. I’m so damned angry right now…Fuck your dentist. Next time – or before next time, make it clear that you will NOT take their bullshit shaming and if they keep it up you’ll pay your money to someone who’s got a sliver of humanity in them. How DARE they do that to you!!!

    Liked by 4 people

      1. ❤ I am shaking my head over the entire thing. Try to keep in mind that this is THEIR problem, not yours. I get freaked out by dentists, too; had one as a kid that liked to hit me if I cried too much. I'm REALLY nervous in a dentist's chair. I hope you can relax today.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome back.
    That moment when you have to tell someone something deeply personal about you;
    Added to the incredible vulnerability which weighs down on your shoulders like somebody amped up the gravity knob, is knowing the stigma tied around the neck of mental illness, tied so tightly it’s dug deep into the flesh…
    So you choke; I know I do, every single time.
    Good to have you back; the more voices speaking out the better. I believe.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. I’m glad to be back. I really got overwhelmed and upset and I just needed to let it out. I don’t understand why they couldn’t have just asked for what medications I’m taking instead of why. It just made me feel vulnerable like you said. Then after that the head nurse kept insisting they need to take my blood pressure. I have fantastic and low BP so I don’t know what that would’ve done. So I guess that’s happening on my next visit. Just hate going to the dentist.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah it’s a domino effect isn’t it?
        We reveal ourselves and they start wondering “what else could be wrong, how ‘far’ does their ‘illness’ go”? Etc.
        We unfortunately end up having to grit our way through *their* mental inability to deal with any one that is an “Other”.
        In any case; I hope the gum situation gets resolved.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. That’s why there is stigma! That is horrible what happened to you, and I won’t even go to the dentist because of the sexual abuse, so you can imagine what my teeth look like! And why upset someone over their insurance, geez, paperwork, insults, all becuz of a dentist visit! Today is Sunday – just b-r-e-a-t-h-e and forget about all of the assholes out there. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Debbie. I posted this late so it tagged it as Sunday when I meant Saturday. Yeah I came home crying my eyes out and freaked out I was going to lose my teeth. And guilty for having a mental disorder! Why did they need to know what my meds were for instead of what they were? I’m just going to leave it be until my next appointment. They better not make me pay for the cleaning is all I got to say. Not after that ordeal!

      Like

  4. Yay! You’re BACK! Its shitty that you had to go through that with your fucking dentist! And his assistants are complete TWATS! I can’t believe they did that to you honey!!!!! I’ve fuckin let rip at ’em if I ever get a chance!

    I’m also super glad that you realised that you have some real friends here… We really do care, very deeply, for you! Fuck the stats – just talk to us.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I missed this. I missed getting my feelings out there!! My blog is mine and I want to connect again! Yeah I don’t know why they had to beat me up all morning for something that clearly was medication induced and obviously NOT my fault. Just need to figure out how to fix it not drag me through the mud about not taking care of myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. That dentist is ignorant. The fact of the matter is that the meds we are all on cause dry-mouth and dry-mouth causes tooth problems. And he should know that.

    I’m glad that you are back. I’m not glad that you feel like crap, but this space is your space and if you need to use it to vent, then that’s what you use it for.

    Prayers for strength and peace Jess.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Leslie!! I’ll take those prayers. My husband had to look that up and tell me that it’s probably dry mouth. He went put and bought a bunch of special toothpaste and gels and stuff to help me. But they made it seem like my fault. I obviously didn’t notice or think anything of it because that wasn’t the most notable side effect.
      Thanks for your support😊😊😊😊. It feels good to know that this is a med issue that’s common. I really needed to hear that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s very common Jess. I use Biotene spray to help and it does work. It’s amazing how you don’t realize how dry things are in there until you spritz some of that.

        Hubby actually had that super deep cleaning thing done a year ago and dentist is now telling him that his mouth is perfect. So, you may be just fine after all is said and done.

        If you can find it within yourself (and I don’t think I would, so if you can’t I wouldn’t be judging) say something to that dentist. Or maybe just look around for someone new. Tell them on the phone what your challenges are and if they are crappy to you, just hang up.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s such good advice and such good news about your husband. Thank you. Thank you!!! I’ll go ahead and try that today. You are being so helpful!!!!
        Yeah I’m not going back to this dentist again after my deep cleanings. Fuck them!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Wtf is it with dentists and hygienists just wtf wtf I so want to go slap the happy fuck right out of those two for you. Arrrrghhhhhhhh.

    Last time I saw a dentist I stomped in and said DO NOT SHIT ON ME ABOUT MY CRAPPY TEETH. True.

    Hugs my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. What you just witnessed was a classic case of a medical professional having little to no clue about things outside of his/her educational experience. Unfortunately this is not a rare occurrence but typically the norm.

    I understand it is much easier for me to say this compared to you doing this but you need to let that slide off of you.

    Your dentist is there for your teeth and nothing else, even though I know what they say or do can trigger your bi-polar. The important thing is that your medical professionals that can and do focus on your mental health, as long as they are all in sync that is the most critical thing.

    That being said, if you do not want your dentist to trigger you then you need to be very honest with them about your medications. You do not have to be “ashamed” of your bi-polar disorder, but you can and should expect your dentist (and staff) to be professional and treat your disorder with the utmost respect.

    Take care! You are a fighter, never doubt that!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Oh, the dental woes I have suffered, I can relate!! I REALLY don’t have a perfect set of teeth, I seem to be very cavity-prone and last year I spent more than SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS out of pocket on my damn mouth. It can be VERY demoralizing but I know it’s worth it to do whatever it takes to take care of that mouth. If they’re such fuckers it might be time to find a new dentist, I don’t know. I love my dentist and he has really taken good care of me, even helping me get a refund of more than $2500 from the bad dentist in Florida. I know this will all work out for you, but it’s like a sock in the gut when these things happen and it’s overwhelming at first. You will be ok, just walk through the treatment one little bit at a time. And be good to yourself, friend 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is demoralizing but I know that if I’m proactive about it then things will work out. I AM going to find a new dentist though. I feel like their treatment of my condition was poor and just plain unnecessary. I don’t feel comfortable around them anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad you’re going to find a new dentist. There are plenty who are really okay with mental illness and treat it the same as a physical illness. Just something to be aware of. Period. Take care hon ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve had similar experiences at dentists and other doctors I hate it! I have dry mouth too, and it’s not doing my teeth any good either, I sympathize. I’m fairly new here, just a few months, and I hadn’t seen your map. I love it, I need one too! (but I would never steal anyone’s idea)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m new to dry mouth and it sucks. There is a reason why I hate doctors and dentists. They scare me. I’m glad you like the map. It IS new. I just recently did it. Hope it helps when you get lost in my story.😉

      Like

  10. You are not alone! I always had “perfect” teeth until having babies stole calcium and I had my first cavities 2. But the psych meda have had a field day with my teeth (and kidneys are slowly going downhill). I take more than 12 meds a day, some several times. As a result, my gums have receded and I’ve developed pinprick cavities Remember one in five of us walking around in the US have mental illness. Hell, we can’t even call that exclusive. Don’t let the turkeys get you down.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh I’m so sorry. It sucks so bad having to deal with all the psych meds AND everything else that is going on in our bodies. I’m not going to see this dentist anymore but I’m going to try my best to balance all the side effects from all these meds and try and live a “normal” life.

      Like

  11. There will always be jerks who cannot handle MI, bipolar, and us because they fear that which they cannot be bothered to understand. Wish you had my excellent dentist who gets all the above. Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

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