Why I’m So Afraid Of Happiness

Ready. Set. Sail!

Happiness in bipolar…is there even such a thing? In case you are wondering where I am, here is the updated Map. Ever since I came out of the hospital, I’ve been scared practically to death of finding happiness. Stability I’m fine with but happiness is terrifying.

For me, I hate it. I want nothing more to do with it. Happiness always seems to be the first signs of trouble. Over the past few days, the Lexapro has started to kick in and I’m feeling fantastic. I’m not sure if this antidepressant will shoot me to the moon like Wellbutrin did but I’m praying to God it doesn’t. I’ve had enough of the skin-crawling, mind-numbing hypersexual energy. I don’t want it. And I get so nervous whenever a cute guys flirts with me and a smile spreads across my face or I get that tingling sensation when watching a hot guy in a romance movie. I’m afraid it’ll trigger me. I can’t go through that again I just can’t. Not yet at least I need a break!

I’m not accepting myself. I haven’t and I’ve tried so hard to. I still refuse to believe I have a problem. That’s so bad I know it’s so bad!! It’s so unreal that I just can’t allow myself this weakness. I can’t afford it. So I pretend it’s not there. That what happened with Mark was just a fluke. A brain malfunction. Ha! What happened to not being ashamed and not allowing other people to affect me? God it’s embarrassing that I STILL can’t truly accept who I am.

I don’t want this to be a thing so I’ve been ignoring it. But my Mania is so exhilarating! I miss it but I shy away from it. Like a vampire peeking open through the shutters on a warm summer day, I take a quick look at the light of the sun. As quickly as I open them, I recoil back violently as I slam the shutters closed and flee from what could certainly be complete and utter doom. So I retreat back to my coffin. Hidden in the darkness of my own mind. Listening intently with a jealous rage at all the people outside having fun. Basking in the warmth. How normal they are! They can wander around happy and NOT be overwhelmed by the intoxicating glow of the sun and completely destroy themselves. Fucking hate being trapped like this!

Ugh….one of the things I didn’t mention but probably should is that I’m…fuck…going to group therapy. It was highly recommended by my social worker in the hospital that I seek out Sexoholics Anonymous. She thinks I have a major problem and that learning coping skills now before I get manic again and act out sexually is the best option…

….

….whatever. I hate the idea of having a SA sponsor. I didn’t know they had those let alone these group sessions. Without going into too much detail (I’m really not comfortable admitting this just yet), I do have a major problem with sex. Normally, things don’t fall nicely into a “normal” category with me. So yeah. Maybe I need this. I tend to focus too much on the fantasy aspect and not enough on my husband and my marriage.

Ughh….fuck! I’m so tired of regulating every God damn emotion I have! I’m not equipped to do this let alone strong enough to fight it. I’m in a pity spiral. I don’t care. On the one hand I’m perfectly capable of saying “No” and on the other hand I can’t visualize it in the moment. I need help. I need accountability. That’s what my social worker said. She said I’m too smart for my own good.

So yeah I’m afraid to be happy. It’s one other thing bipolar robs me of: my ability to live my life without worrying. Fuck this awful disorder! It’s such a burden. Between the constant Dr visits, therapy, and all these fucking pills, I’ve had it!

Can I just get a break for a few months?


36 thoughts on “Why I’m So Afraid Of Happiness

      1. Exactly! Where is the healthy middle ground? And by being aware and focusing intently on my thoughts and behavior am I just making things worse? I’m really not trying to over complicate things but I can’t just ignore the signs of trouble because I think they are harmless.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. We’re supposed to be aware of triggers and early warning signs and changes, but then I find most people around see it as too much at some point. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Jess, we all have our demons we must live with. It’s how you choose to deal with them. I think personally you’re on the right track and perhaps group therapy might work. Worth a try. I was once on Wellbutrin but it sucked. Eventually I went on Alprazolam 3 times a day until I leveled off and even today rely on one dose. I had an anxiety problem and panic attacks. Yeah, go figure, from a guy who writes humor. But, my humor IS my outlet in my writing. And my companion, a great woman, puts up with my antics as well as my own cravings for sex. Maybe if I were alone it might get out of hand, but I don’t forsee that happening. So, all I can say to you is keep searching for what works for you and don’t give up. Take one day at a time, one step, one attempt be it a pill, therapy, talking it out with your husband or, using a distraction to get your mind focused on something else other than your depression, sex drive, or feelings of just wanting to give in to those demons. Maybe your outlet is writing more, be it a blog or perhaps even a book as in my case. Whatever, in the end you have control. Don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We do all have demons to work with but I’m just tired of mine. I want a break. I need to learn to stop worrying about the future. That’s my biggest problem. The point is important trying to be more proactive about these things so maybe that will pay off. I think your humor is awesome and I love reading your posts. It’s a well needed break from the chaos that goes on in my head all the damn time.

      Like

  2. Today I was thinking about how I would love to take a Bipolar vacation ( you know what I mean, but to be clear it means a year without thinking about bipolar or being affected bipolar otherwise known as Fantasyland) and also a postpartum mental health awareness vacation for like maybe a year? Just a year! Is that too much to ask? Enough about me and a little bit about you my beautiful one. I am incredibly impressed you’re doing the group therapy and especially with such a tenuous subject. My god, that’s not for the weak So give yourself extra credit. Going to the hospital and then getting out and readjusting to the real world world is equivalent to running 5 marathons in all different kinds of weather zones and altitudes. It’s incredibly exhausting and demanding ways that few people understand let alone have experience. So please be gentle with yourself as happy as that sounds. Do things that make you happy but not too happy… And I’ll stop trying to sound like Miss Bossy here. It’s just hard. I have no answers. It feels like having bipolar disorder is a full-fime job, and no one in my real life understand that at all. it’s very lonely. Actually I take that back—-the women in my support group understand , but I only see them for a couple hours a month and it’s not enough. Anyway just know I’m thinking about you a lot and I send you my love and I’m always here for you you know where to get me. My ex friend might have scared me away from facebook, but she’ll never scare me off twitter or no matter what happens! Love you!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Love you too my dear. I LOVE your analogy of readjusting to the real world. That’s so much harder than I thought it would be. I’m trying to take things slow but having a full-time job ALONG with bipolar is completely exhausting. I agree 100%. It’s just not fair. Like I’m doing everything right but I feel like I keep getting pulled back to square one. I’m trying so damn hard to just be me but I can’t with all these complex emotions in the way. I don’t know. I need that vacation. Claya is right on the money with that one. Group therapy scares me. I hate people knowing intimate details about me in real life. Here’s hoping it goes well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks sweet cheeks. At least I’m not a Facebook Asshole, right? πŸ˜‰ (Sorry, sorry – it will take time for me to get over it.) I’m more like a Facebook Fart – annoying sometimes, but harmless & never cruel.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m so glad for the update. I’ve been working a seven night stretch and I’ve been of the grid. I have no idea how anyone is doing but I’ve been thinking about you. I’m glad so many interventions have been put into place. I know it sucks to feel like there’s something wrong, but there is and with proper treatment finally maybe there won’t be. I get that you’re afraid of happiness. But for now we’ll take quieting of the mind, right Jess. Get out of the damn coffin…unless Edward Cullen is in there in which case, move over girl!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha!πŸ˜‚. Edward Cullen. That made me laugh. Thank you. You can have him I’m not interested. Bipolar is just scary. It’s me worrying about the symptoms. Oh well. I’ll try and be mindful and live in the stable moment. Hopefully it doesn’t end too abruptly. Love you Sandra!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. 😘 Happiness is scary, until you find stability, and happiness eases it’s way in. It’s when the happiness blows through like a tornado that we have to start worrying! It will come. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing an amazing job of getting well.

    Keep doing the “right” things, and you’ll be good as gold as soon as your brain lets you xoxoxox

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Fear of happiness = Cherophobia – I never knew there was a word for it! It just supports the fact that you’re not alone – that others experience this too. I know this “you’re not alone” statement doesn’t always help, but I know its helped me in the past.
    I am constantly amazed at the awesome support and advice you get from your fan-club here. Very inspiring.
    Kind regards. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I do feel there is a difference between being happy and manic, but those lines can be blurred. It will take hard work to clarify those emotions, but it is worth it – you are worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Speaking as the husband – as long as my wife continues to communicate with me, be very open and honest then the marriage can/will be strong.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I dont have bipolar. I have depression did and ptsd though. So I know what regulating emotions can be like. Its hell! I hope your in a better place now. Mental illness sucks. Its so hard to cope and deal with it every day. XX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it is such a burden. We do our best and that’s all we really can do. I’m in a better place now but I still need to find a way to accept that this is my life now. Hopefully one day. Thanks so much of really appreciate hearing from you. Take care friend!

      Liked by 1 person

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