My Journey Through Purgatory: The Demon Named Failure

Ready. Set. Sail!

OK universe. I get it. I’m a fuck up! You happy now? I said it. Now can you please stop being so cruel and just give me a fucking break?!

I got laid off Monday. Massive company layoff. I honestly thought the one protection I had from all of this was my job. I’m not lying when I say I’m a fantastic worker. I’m not like the brown-nosing cocksuckers that slime their way into the boss’s favor. I actually work. Hard. And I was part of a really important project that already had too few people to get the job done. It was a massive amount of work that stressed me out so bad I had to go inpatient. Well, that plus the dentist incident.

And now here I am. At home. Alone. Glossing over the things I did and said that got me to this point.

As I walk along the Trail of Stability, I notice a figure standing off in the distance. A dark cloaked apparition floating frozen in the mist. He stands there. Lifeless. Staring directly at me. Those beady unblinking little eyes sunken in his massive sockets are fixated on me. Teeth so large and sharp they completely cover his entire face; stretched from the tip of his jaw to the bridge of his long pointed nose. He smiles and tilts his head. His hair matted and worn. Skin stretched trying to covered the thin layer of flesh and bone he has left. He slowly raises his finger at me; bony and gray he points directly at me.

My knees start shaking. He moans in a slow deep cry the word that shakes me to my core: “Surrender.”

I need to run! I reach into my pocket to pull out my Compass but accidentally drop it. I bend over to pick it up and notice that the demon is closer…

…fuck. I slowly begin to back away. The demon is still smiling at me: “Surrender.”

I sneeze. For the brief half a second I have my eyes closed, I open them to see the demon has moved even closer.

“Christ!” I squeal. I put my bag down and sit; still staring at the creature. It’s watching me closely…waiting..for me to give in. This demon called Failure. It wants me to succumb to it. I can’t let it. I don’t want this thing to tear me apart. I need to keep my stability and work around it.

This isn’t the end of me.

 

 


27 thoughts on “My Journey Through Purgatory: The Demon Named Failure

  1. I HATE the phrase “I’m sorry” because it doesn’t do much to help you in this moment.
    It’s overused. But you know I am sorry despite all that. 😦

    You are NOT a failure for many reasons apart from being a hard, excellent worker
    – here’s one more:
    You can write SO WELL!

    I mean, look at this!!!!!!!!!!!

    “As I walk along the Trail of Stability, I notice a figure standing off in the distance. A dark cloaked apparition floating frozen in the mist. He stands there. Lifeless. Staring directly at me. Those beady unblinking little eyes sunken in his massive sockets are fixated on me. Teeth so large and sharp they completely cover his entire face; stretched from the tip of his jaw to the bridge of his long pointed nose. He smiles and tilts his head. His hair matted and worn. Skin stretched trying to covered the thin layer of flesh and bone he has left. He slowly raises his finger at me; bony and gray he points directly at me.”

    My God. Talent, right there, folks! Get your talent!

    I hope you can use some of this time to write more and more and more.

    I love how you ended this post.
    You’re going to do exactly what you wrote: keep your stability and get past this.
    It’s NOT the end of you.
    As glitterfarty as this may sound, I honestly think it’s a new beginning that’s going to only get better!
    Keep us posted, eh?
    XOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are sooooooo not worthless.
        You are insanely talented and worthWHILE.
        You’re getting chosen for writing gigs. (Shitloads of people try to get the BP one and don’t get it. YOU did.)
        The job is not YOU. But I understand what you wrote – that it was the linchpin holding you.

        Feeling worthless is temporary and as hard as it is to believe it in your gut, it will pass. Allow yourself to grieve the layoff. That’s a huge deal. Give yourself a big, ‘ol break. Play lots of horror video games if that helps. Whatever helps you as long as you’re not hurting others or yourself…..do it. A lot.

        LOVE YOU!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Jess. I wish I had something useful to say. Dyane is right, your writing is really amazing. I’m so sorry that you got laid off. I’m sending you prayers for peace and strength. Know that we are here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Leslie. I’m just trying to hold it together. I really am glad you like my writing. I’m just doing it to pass the time. Thanks again. You’re a great person for your kind words!

      Like

      1. I do actually. Other than taking my meds, I feel like it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. I’m the kind of person who reads to write stuff down or else I have trouble processing information so this really relieves a lot of burden. That and it’s grown into something I get a lot of joy from doing.

        Like

      2. I’m glad that’s the case. I also get a lot of value from my writing. I’m a venter. I have to scream everything out. This way, I’m not bothering anyone who doesn’t want to be bothered! 😉 Plus, I am learning so much from other bloggers. It’s rapidly becoming the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I honestly think that blogging saved my life. If it wasn’t for the support on WordPress I think I’d be long gone. It gives me purpose and makes me feel like I’m not alone.

        Like

  3. Your writing is indeed very good, as other posters have said. I’m so sorry about the layoff. I was sure I couldn’t be laid off 10 years ago, as I was supporting computers at a Fortune 50 company and I was *good* at it. Then it started looking like maybe I was wrong, maybe there would be layoffs. But how, they needed people for these jobs, didn’t they? I was not the highest paid, despite 18 years there, and as I said, i knew I was good. Surely I wouldn’t be laid off. The stress got to me and I wound up inpatient three times in a 5 week period. My psychiatrist convinced me that I really had to go on disability. I’d had lots of psych trouble before this, but I still got my job done, at any cost to my mental health. Well, about 3 months after I left on disability, they laid off the entire IT department and outsourced it mostly to Mexico, with one American branch of another company doing hands-on work. How could this work? It was a disaster. The CIO who led this layoff got canned as well. Karma. Maybe you’ll see karma at work too…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe. Karma tends to be fitting. My company has been having a lot of trouble finding investors and has been cutting costs majorly to try and save what little we have left. I should’ve smelled this coming but I figured since there were do few of us on this project and I’m the one who does the vast majority of the legwork that I’d be safe. They even cut people that they legitimately needed to get actual work done. So this layoff made no sense unless they really think they are going to go under. Oh well. They probably will at this rate.

      Like

  4. Wow that is so tough but I have been there too (I got a 3 hour notice of my last day after 10 years with a company) but I am here to say that you can rebound from this, find happiness and realize that the possibility exists that this was actually a blessing in disguise.

    Take care, stay strong!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. But you can’t let one failure drag you back into the darkness. Failure comes to all of us. You have to remain strong and look to the positive side of things. For every door that closes, one opens. Being laid off is not the end of the world. It’s time to move on, look towards new opportunities and NOW you have the time to explore them. Hate to, as the saying goes, “beat a dead horse,” (not that I’d ever beat a dead horse mind you) but that’s how I began writing when I no longer had a job to go to each day. Yes, my circumstances were a bit different as I chose to retire, but there were times in my radio career I got the hook and could have let those demons control my life, but I chose to fight back and directed my energy towards finding another job. Oh yeah….and with all that leisure time….have some fun too. Hang in hon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol. Yeah I have plenty of time to work on that book you keep telling me to write huh? I guess I better get on that😉. Yeah I don’t want this to take away my stability. I’m going to try and keep my head and hopefully things will work out.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I hate that you got laid off. There isn’t even anything clever to say. I will however say that your writing is as powerful as ever, and that creature freaked me the fuck out. But I have no worry where you’re concerned. You’re stronger than I think you think you are…you got all that? Love you. Anxiously awaiting for more tales from the crypt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. I really need to put disclaimers on my stuff again. Yeah I’m still processing getting laid off. But I’m trying to look at it like an opportunity to explore who I really am and what I want to do. Thanks for believing in my strength. You are always so sweet and encouraging! I love you so much for that!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s