Giraffacolypse Is Nigh!

Ready. Set. Sail!

Lord God Almighty!! What the fuck am I doing with my life??!!? Like for real. What is the meaning of all this?!

As you have probably figured out…I’m bored. Therefore this entire post is going to be complete and utter shit…so don’t bother reading this whole thing if you don’t want to. I won’t judge you….maybe…hmmm…nah…I won’t judge you.

The layoff has really hit me really hard in my salty sweaty donkey balls (I’m a girl I don’t have balls FYI) and I’m stuck in limbo. Looking for jobs that’ll tolerate my mental malfunction is going to be hard if not impossible. Overwhelming anxiety and fear have paralyzed me from making my first move. To be honest, I’m not sure if I CAN go back to work. My mind was already deteriorating over the past few months. A giant crater blew my brain open and it’s taking months to fill. And quite honestly I’m just over everything. In general. No motivation to do anything whatsoever. Except blog of course but they pay you very little to do that. If anything.

Oh God why can’t I be living in Paris and write like Hemingway??!?! THAT’S THE DREAM!!! And to think no more than a year ago I would’ve rather had my face torn apart with a dirty rusty chainsaw then be a writer. Life is fucking weird. I also said I’d never be a teacher. Ha! Let’s see where that one goes.

Yeah I’m kinda hypo…and on a LOT of caffeine!! Yippe-kay-yeah motherfucker!

Please God give me some mania. Not a lot. Just some. So I can roll around in the grass and stare at flowers and think it’s the Goddamn greatest thing on the planet. Or run through water fountains and have that one cop tell me to leave:

“Ma’am for the last God damn time…get out of the water fountain!”

“No! Make me copper! Hahahaha! Squeal for me piggy!”

“I’ll make you squeal you asshole! You’re scaring the children!”

“They need to know the truth. We are ALL going to die when I let all the giraffes out of their pens. You’ll see. Giraffacolypse is nigh!! Sweet baby Jesus!”

Screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs, I race over to the pen where all the giraffes are hanging out.

“You’re free my pets!”

Nemo me impune lacessit (the Latin motto of the Royal Stuart dynasty of Scotland from at least the reign of James VI when it appeared on the reverse side of merk coins minted in 1578 and 1580. It loosely translates to No one provokes me with impunity)!!” chant the giraffes with their glowing blood red eyes.

And then 3 cops arrest me and take me away to jail. Then my husband comes to bail me out and shakes his head. “Honey not this again! Stop it with those poor giraffes!”

….

…….

Pshhhhh…Oh God. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?!? I’ve lost it. I have cabin fucking fever and I’ve officially lost all my marbles. Go away!

Yeesh…some people’s kids.


35 thoughts on “Giraffacolypse Is Nigh!

  1. I gave you a “like” but I’m worried about you Jess. PLEASE calm down and think positive, (easy for me to say) and start networking if you want to get back to work. In the meantime, follow some dreams of things you want to do but couldn’t because your were working. And stay outta the water fountain.Just sayin’

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When Craig was laid off from his job of 10 years where he commuted to shithold called Hollister (an hour each way) and worked his ass off, it was a huge shock. He’s usually an optimistic, confident person but he was depressed for a few months. The way his boss did it was truly evil and weird. I hope that guy has anal warts bad.

    Then, slowly, Craig started working for himself, and it turned out to be much better than he expected. And then – get this – he wrote a book and it got published by a real publisher and won a bunch of awards!! (Yeah, I’m jealous! However, he’s not part of the Bipolar Club, and if he was part of that elite, his mild depression would have been a whole other enchilada, let me tell you!

    It’s a huge shock, what you’ve been through; Jesus, it’s a ginormous freak-out even if you’re on SOLID ground brain-wise. I admire you tremendously for simply getting out of bed. I’m so glad you’re writing honestly about it. None of what you wrote is weird. Your post kept my attention (BIG compliment, LOL – most posts don’t!) and I was sad it ended.

    I have to say I enjoyed reading your water fountain scene a LOT – at first I thought it was real.
    Am I dumb and missing something, or is it fiction? I think it’s fiction. It’s gotta be fiction, right? I didn’t read your beginning posts way back when, so I’m not familiar with everything Jess. (yet!) Fuck, I’m embarrassed to ask, but I must know!

    I’m going to blame my stupidity on the fact I had to take 25 mg of Seroquel last night to get me to sleep, since I was sneezing and miserable and sleep wasn’t going to happen. As usual, the shit gave me totally bizarre and disturbing nightmares, but they weren’t as bad as the last time I took it. I had a nightmare where I saw Lucy go down into a sinkhole in a lawn right in front of me, and I tried to save her and failed…ever since *that* one, I stopped taking Seroquel.

    Thanks, as usual, for letting me vent. I love your writing. I see that as your future. Make it so.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First of all, I’m sorry Craig got hit with a layoff. It’s good that he was able to work around it and get his book published (I have yet to read it! One day I swear!).

      Second, none of that fountain scene was true. I was simply trying to vent some creative energy. I guess I should have clarified because you really never know with bipolar. That would’ve been hilarious and definitely on the news.

      Third, poor poor Lucy!! I pictured that while lawn scene in my head and almost started to tear up. I really want to meet your dog. She sounds so sweet. Yeah I don’t take Seroquel. That stuff is supposed to make you fat. ‘Nuff said.

      Take care my dear. I’ll try and keep my head up and focus on my writing. Hopefully things work out for the better. Thank you so much for supporting me through all my weird shit. You really have no idea how much I appreciate your kindness.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi my sweet. I’m using the talk feature on my cell phone to leave this comment which is very strange for me to do! You didn’t need to clarify the water fountain scene it’s obvious it was not true but yesterday I was really sick, and I’m going to blame my question on illness! Seroquel definitely did something weird to my metabolism and I’ve gained weight from being on it, but it helped so I have mixed feelings, ya know? Someday we will have a meet and greet with Lucy and yours truly at your first book signing!!! Lots of love to you, you are a bright light in my world!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Does it ever seem to you that we bipolars are at our (unintentionally) funniest when we’re not quite stable and personal stuff isn’t coming up roses? Could just be me, but I think when I try to be funny…epic fail. When just spewing my honest stuff…People find me hilarious cos ya know, the filters are off line…
        I still believe in pegacorns and maybe even giraffe-a-corns. I don’t know what those animals do when I am asleep 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah I noticed I get a lot more positive reactions from people when I am being 100% unbalanced unfiltered. I think that’s just us though. We are way more lively than most bipolars. At least that’s what I think.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Although I don’t want you to stay hypo…I kinda do…I’m working a nightshift right now and this made my fucking night! You are hilarious. Move over The Bloggess! Jess is moving in!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I read to the end – does that mean I’m bored too?!? 😛
    Thanks Jess – you gave me cool inspiration for next week’s Funny Friday post – Boredom is NOT Funny.
    Tomorrow… it’s all about LOVE

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Jess – now you’ve just increased the pressure for me to be able to entertain you, out of your boredom.,, but now that your BPHope article just came out, you’ll likely have plenty of comments to reply to. Congrats!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah obvs! Sup girl! That wasn’t even the song i wanted to play. was trying to do the old throwback i did last time: stupid google. i think i let the song play too long so it skipped to the next. how am i? um. would take hundreds of pages. so how about? fighting the black cloud of doom. writing. fighitn. often lying in bed wanting to die. then rambling in a forest singing my songs. working on a new book. i don’t know. you’re more worldly than me. i want you to succeed! you worked in an official environment for heaven’s sake. much different than my sorry ass. so i’ll give you this song! you got all my love and thumbs up. keep fighting for us. we’re not mentally ill. we just have the motherfucking intimations…the intimations…that we take seriously…that we live for… (I can prove all this haha) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhfIOXQJbpc

        Like

  5. This was the song I meant to play! peace my friend. This life — so much fucking darkness. so much wanting to die. BUT. we’re NOT the mentally ill. They are. Don’t forget that. Never forget that. We’re too defeated to acknowledge it. But the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sorry you lost your job. Bullshit world.

    Kinetic minds rise and fall, fall and rise, and fall, and no one hears their fall.

    We fall in silence.

    andrewsaltarelli@gmail.com 720-633-7463

    Dust to dust.

    In the meantime, dust whirls and sings.

    To all my old friends. I’m off line. Feel free to be friends. (Despite Beeps’ probably prosecutable libel, I just had a paranoid breakdown. Whatever. Happens. Won’t go back online. But that’s my info, for what it’s worth. Who knows. Maybe the movement needs a true G.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to admit that your issues with posting the correct song made me laugh hard. I love the Sweet Escape. Thanks for that. I’m going to be singing that all day. And thanks for the contact info. I’ll definitely be in touch with you.

      Like

      1. No worries. I was, um, plastered. My laptop needs a breathalyzer. Being off the internet is good for me in that sense. Now if only I could figure out how to keep away from the smartphone in such a state! Peace and be well, yo.

        Liked by 1 person

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