Stroking My Sexual Spirits Away

Ready. Set. Sail!

(Disclaimer: This post is full of random thoughts and is in no way guaranteed to be cohesive, readable, or intelligent in any way, shape, or form. Failure to grasp that can result in extreme disappoint, high blood pressure, malaria, trichinosis, back pain, arterial insufficiency, erectile dysfunction, coma, and death. Proceed with caution.)

I just want to apologize first off for being so quiet lately. I’ve been busy delving into my writing for bpHope and it’s taken a lot of the creative juices out of me. I have a good feeling about Thursday’s article. Hopefully you guys will like it.

I’m all out of sorts. I guess I should catch everybody up.

Basically, I’ve lost my nice 6 week stability and have delved into hypomania again. And with that tasty appetizer comes the main course of the dreaded hypersexuality.

There has been a good amount of restlessness and jealousy that I’m not exactly proud of as well. I’m only human right? So I promise that you get to see the real me. Just take it in small bites.

So, to start, I found out from a few different sources that I’m actually a full blown sex addict. Yup. Not surprising. I have actually been going to Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) meetings. They have been both enlightening and disappointing. They are Christian-based and that isn’t the worst but it’s not that helpful to an agnostic such as myself. Their tenants basically say that in order to achieve “sobriety” in SA, one must only have sexual relations with one’s spouse and no one else. No porn. No masturbation.

HA!

Ok. Well. I decided to give it a shot. Or rather, my husband decided to drag my stubborn ass to my first meeting kicking and screaming. Once arriving at the church in what I thought was a modest outfit, we proceeded to watch the slew of cars pull into the parking lot. What’s the best part about waiting in the parking lot for people to walk into a SA meeting? Seeing only men!!! Turns out women don’t tend to have this problem very frequently!!

At that point, I was DEFINITELY not OK with going into the meeting. My husband and I waited around for a while until we saw a girl walk in around my age. HUZZAH! Now I had to go. Since all SA meetings are “closed”, no one but SA are allowed in. So my husband proceeded to wait outside for me.

As I walked into the room, I noticed what appeared to be about 30+ dudes and like 3 women. Woo-di-fucking-yeah. I proceeded to sit my butt down in one of the seats and was immediately called over by one of the women to do an orientation. They were very sweet and welcoming and I felt comfortable talking to them. They said it was alright if I didn’t want to talk about my story just yet when we move back over to the meeting. That was a relief. Telling a room full of male sex addicts that I get off on cybersexting nasty pics of myself to strange men on the internet sounded like a big fat NO. Oh and also, apparently I’m too pretty and busty so I got called out for not being modestly dressed. So no makeup and baggy clothes for me from now on in the meetings.

Upon returning to my seat, I noticed one very apparent thing…men staring at me. And I’m not trying to be all like “I’m hot and they couldn’t keep their eyes off me”…but they COULD NOT keep their eyes off me. Good God. I had this one guy, who was cute btw, STARING at me from across the room…the ENTIRE TIME. Talk about subtlety! I felt like a target. I could see when the meeting was over the men looking me up and down. I’ve never felt that uncomfortable around men in my entire life. Holy shit!

All in all, it was good. I got my workbook and am working on running through the 12 Steps to Sexual Sobriety. I’m going to get a Sponsor in a few weeks if I decide I want to commit but for now I have a couple temp sponsors.

Honestly….I don’t like it. I hated removing my triggers and “sobering up.” I really don’t like that I can’t watch porn and sexy movies anymore. I lost my sexually charged music. I haven’t masturbated in 10 days!!! I feel like I’m going to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD!!!! I can’t do this. Fuck! How are there people that have been sober for 10+ years!?!?! What kind of willpower is that??!?!

I found out that I can AJAX my sexual frustrations away…Scrubbing the sexual tension….Stroking the faucets….God I’m horny!

Whatever happens, I’m proud to say I’m winning for the first time against my sexual urges. I even tried rerouting that sexual energy towards my husband and it worked this time! So yeah. Progress. Maybe I’ll survive after all. Wish me luck.

 


34 thoughts on “Stroking My Sexual Spirits Away

  1. Ya I called this one before you got knee-deep into the post Gorgeous. Clearly they need separate meetings for both sexes. You couldn’t ugly yourself up if you wore a garbage bag and green face paint. I already call nonsense! On the upside I look forward to the play-by-play of your meetings, I wish you all the luck and love in the world my doll-faced friend, and I need my bathroom ajaxed…just sayin’….

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ok I won’t tempt you. I’d rather manic myself so I’m trying really hard not to jump on my bed right now. Lol We’re quite the pair. You clean, I do back flips off the bed and end up a quadriplegic.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Every time I think “Jess can’t get more amazing” YOU DO!

    Holy shit, it took MAJOR GUTS TO WALK INTO THAT MEETING!

    And to STAY there with all the guys staring. HOLY SHIT!

    Give yourself mega-credit, friend….my God!
    That kind of bravery is off the fucking charts!!!!!!

    I’m so glad you were able to channel the sexual energy into being with your husband this time. Yay!!!!!!!

    And I already knew he was great, but seriously….what a wonderful guy for accompanying you to the SA meeting and for waiting for you outside. I found this post absolutely fascinating and really felt like a fly on the wall. I’ve been to OA meetings before but nothing like this. So…..on that note…..

    I think this post would be so helpful (in a revised, maybe slightly more, ahem, conservative, edition) for BP Magazine- have you thought about that? So many readers would be inspired and helped!!!!!! Especially female ones.

    XOXOXO YOU!

    p.s. you are totally gorge (my new gay friend Jonathan uses that word and I can’t help it – forgive me!) so you’re gonna really have to work it at dressing yourself down. But yeah, I’d do it. You will feel more comfortable and that’s what matters!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Dyane for the support! It did freak me out hardcore being alone in that room with all those men. Luckily the women are very kind and supportive. I hope that this turns into something positive because it’s so hard right now. If I can find a way to revise this post and put it on bpHope then I will but that’s going to be difficult. I’ll let you know first if I think I’ll do it. Hugs back and I’ll make sure to keep people posted!!!😙❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My thoughts are this: which nobody wants to hear. But. What you want is just the aliveness of the primal person. In your case, it’s sexuality. In other people, it’s walking 25 miles in mountains barely breaking a sweat. Just my opinion. Sex is great. Sex without walking a lot? Meh. So. Nobody in our community will ever understand anything, because we just won’t, because we’re a bunch of loveably cussed curmudgeons, and it’s comical at this point. But. Hope it goes well for you. Hope you do what you need to do to keep your marriage. Trust me. Once you lose it: you lose it. So don’t lose it if you don’t want to. This is what it feels like when your woman walks away from you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWuLbjyf950&app=desktop&spfreload=10

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always love hearing from you and I honestly love listening to your thoughts. I think you’re a genius. No joke. You’re so wise and helpful and kind. For me this whole ordeal will help calm me down and keep the primal person from doing something she will regret. Whatever I can do to keep my marriage I will.

      And that song is lovely and sad. Thanks for sharing Andrew. Please don’t disappear again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s sweet of you, thanks for real. I don’t even remember commenting. I got off my meds, stupidly, and went on an epic bender. Now back on the meds and have a nice new valium scrip so hoping the incessant mental torment abates at bit. Really is a fucking shame, the price of gifts. Glad you want to save your marriage. Wish I’d had your sanity when I wrecked mine. Took me a long time to take this “condition” seriously; and frankly, I still don’t take it seriously enough. I want always yearn to return to the breezy days of functional hypo and mad careening mania. But apparently it gets worse as you get older, and without meds, at thirty sex, more often than not I’m simply acutely suicidal. At any rate, sober again, taking 750mg of valproic acid and 10mg of Valium at noon so I can get through the restless tremors of afternoon and early evening. Hope to pick my life back up. Or whatever life remains after four years of thoroughly torching it. Again, I really appreciate the kind words. I have a lot of self-loathing and world-loathing and general indiscriminate loathing so it’s nice to know someone sees me in a positive light. Thanks. Being sober again I won’t be commenting, I’ve burned too many WordPress bridges being a drunk idiot (massive understatement), but I’ll still read your blog and be crossing my fingers you make it through this torturous maze and find a place of greater rest. Peace.

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  4. You are so brave! Just my personal opinion, but, um why is it YOUR responsibility to keep SA men’s eyeballs in their sockets by changing your clothes? They’re at an SA meeting for godsake! One would think that’s the perfect place for them to learn to apply strategies to keep from drooling over gorgeous women. What do they do when they’re at a dinner with friends, or in the shopping mall? Must we all change the way we dress lest we tempt a male sex addict? But anyway, its not about them, its about you. You’ve taken a bold step towards your own self care. I wish you well with the 12 steps and integrating them in your life. You are awesome in your honesty ❤

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  5. Wow. What another chapter for you! I am so pissed that you have to be with the men. I find that completely absurd. How do they not just get off on anything you say? Am i being too cynical? i don’t know. it just seems weird.

    sorry I’ve been so mia. i plead BIPOLAR

    btw you had me at the disclaimer hehe

    keep holding on

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You should! People need to know how much bipolar affects us in a variety of ways. Thank you so much for the comment. And I really appreciate you commenting on my bpHope posts. I have yet to figure out how to comment back but once I do I’ll return the comments

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  6. my wife had a similar experience when she went to her first SLAA meeting. mostly men, maybe 1 or 2 women. She did find a women only SLAA group and attended the meetings for a bit.

    SA is the most restrictive of the 12 steps.

    others exist.

    Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
    Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
    Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)
    Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
    Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA)

    Liked by 1 person

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