Ready. Set. Sail!
(Mania trigger warning)
It’s late and I can’t sleep. I’m infected with a mental toxin that I can’t seem to get rid of. I’ve been fighting for weeks now. Everyday is a little different. Some are harder than others. For the most part, I’m able to resist but the symptoms are getting worse: dizziness, lack of concentration, elevated heart rate, pupil dilation, and increased blood flow to the genitals.
I’m talking about lust. I’ve been bitten by the Snake and his venom still pulses through my veins. I’ve been thinking about him nonstop. Wondering if I should go back to the Forbidden Forest and pay him a visit.
God I know that’s so wrong. He treated me like shit and I don’t even like the guy!
Obviously I’m not perfect. I never said I was. Just because I beat the temptation doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. I’m human and I have needs. I’m not ashamed to admit that I still struggle.
It’s like I’m standing at the edge of the Forest reaching my hand out. I can feel the heat from the flames on my fingertips. The bright orange glow is intoxicating. The smell of the smoke fills my lungs and lowers my resilience one breath at a time. I grab one of the leaves and ever so slowly bring it close to my mouth. I rub the silky green leaf against my plump lips and stretch my tongue out to lick it. It’s so sweet and savory. I take a small bite and instantly my eyes roll back. I’ve never tasted something as heavenly as this! I want more! I need more! I want to taste the fruit that the innermost trees have sitting on their branches.
And then I shake myself off and snap back to reality. All the while, my body wants more. Craves more. My heart skips a beat at the thought of what I could have again. I lick my lips and catch my breath. Breath deeply. In and out.
I need to resist. I have to. This Snake isn’t going to win again. I won’t let him. So I’m going to stay strong and fight. No matter what happens.
You guys are probably wondering how I might contact him since my husband took over all my accounts. Well there is no stopping me from making a brand new email address and starting a new account. So yeah. There is no way around this unless I step up and take charge.
If you guys only knew how bad this is. How bad I’m craving his touch. His lips. The way he whispers in my ear. It would make sense. You could also see how much it hurts to say no and live in sobriety. How much my body wants to just give in. Those of you who do get the feeling know how hard it is to say no.
I’ve been bad. I haven’t been going to my SA meetings. Not for a few weeks. I guess I thought I beat it. I’m stubborn like my mother. I always think I can beat this on my own. But I’m going to go back to the meetings and hopefully I’ll find some help from the group.
Now some of you might think that this is something in my nature. That my poor husband isn’t the one for me and this is my true nature I’m suppressing. I’m open to suggestions but I honestly think that I’m meant to be married to my love. My husband and I are best friends and truly love each other. Things may not always be passionate but at least I’m loved and taken care of. I could never leave him.
I’ll leave it with that. It’s getting late and I better go back to bed.
Please don’t be judgemental. I want advice not condemnation. Leave thoughtful comments below.