Feeding The Fire: The Battle Continues…

Ready. Set. Sail!

Ughh….. it’s been SO crazy. I haven’t budged but neither has he. I’m trying to break him. Get him to crack under the pressure. I’m pissed and I mean it. This asshole needs to back the fuck off and I’m going to do it. He won’t win this time. And I’m not running.

This troublemaker is going to give me a heart attack…

It’s like you’re always there in the corners of my mind
I see your silhouette every time I close my eyes
There must be POISON in those finger tips of yours
‘Cause I keep comin’ back again for more, oh oh oh…

Trouble troublemaker, yeah
That’s your middle name, oh oh oh…
I know you’re NO GOOD but you’re stuck in my brain
And I wanna know…

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad, oh oh oh?
My mind keeps saying,
“RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.”
I say, “I’m done,” but then you pull me back, oh oh oh…
I swear you’re giving me a HEART ATTACK
Troublemaker


3 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: The Battle Continues…

  1. Well. I’ve leave a reply since I’m making the rounds, feel precariously and fleetingly stable on a new med combo.

    The thing that interests me, Jess, is your conflation and identification with a regular human dude and a mythological personage. I mean, Snake is clear. Or, clearly ambiguous, but cleanly mythical. You’re probably accessing Biblical connotations. I don’t presume to know for sure, maybe you grew up on a farm, maybe Snake for you is what it is for me, a very lovely animal, a bull snake or speckled kingsnake, I saw several in Colorado, nine feet long, very elusive and reclusive and solitary. But for you, Jess, I get the sense you mean Snake in the sinuous hiss of the word, uber Old Testament, that sense of deft, lithe, sedulous, utterly ruinous seduction.

    But this is the deal. You are mythologizing someone who is probably pretty ordinary. If he was a James Dean type, he would not be a Snake. A Snake for you, I think, is the snake of the farmer. Slithery and virile and eating and corrupt. You see, for me, it’s not a term I would reach for. I don’t speak a Judeo-Christian language, and I don’t think of snakes as vile. But you are clearly talking about this dude as the serpent that led Eve from the Garden.

    So.

    I would say a few things.

    First. Is it the guy? Or is it the wealth of imagination and association and richness of metaphor and aliveness and suggestiveness YOU bring to the guy?

    Second. Does it matter?

    Third. What do those questions mean?

    V Nabokov, whom I genuinely hate, and hate to quote, who I truly think was a pederast, did correctly say that every true artist was also a scientist. Wordsworth also said this, far more eloquently, but I’m guessing the author of Lolita is more resonant with you than the author of The Solitary Reaper.

    So.

    Clearly, at least in this particular comment, I’m not concerned with Snake as a person. I don’t really care whether you fuck him or not. If I was your husband, the mere fact of this email would be extremely distressing and I would hope you’d be honest and talk to me about and we’d resolve it and accept or depart or whatever. I’m divorced. Already fucked that all up and would be the last to lecture you from an illusory soapstone.

    But Snake.

    That interests me.

    The connotations, denotations, echoes, reverberations.

    Maybe, Jess, you’re becoming a writer.

    Maybe, just maybe, you like SNAKE more than snake.

    Maybe you’re finding the shadow between idea and reality, motion and act, emotion and response, desire and spasm, potency and existence.

    Life is tragic. We are trying to endure. I salute your blog, your articulations, your brave spirit, and your lithe, vital, blooded soul.

    Eliot says it better than I can.

    “For most of us, there is only the unattended
    Moment, the moment in and out of time,
    The distraction fit, lost in a shaft of sunlight,
    The wild thyme unseen, or the winter lightning
    Or the waterfall, or music heard so deeply
    That it is not heard at all, but you are the music
    While the music lasts.”

    Like

  2. Sorry it took me so long to comment,honey! I hope that you have been able to deal with him the way you wanted to, and that you doing okay. Please let us know how things are going when you get a chance. I think that you don’t usually blog over the weekend, so catch up when you can. Sending you my love! !!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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