Feeding The Fire: Toxic

Ready. Set. Sail!


If only you can hear how exhausted I am in even just typing those letters…..

Oh God…

There are so many things going on right now. And to top it all off, bipolar is adding the usual, “Things are too difficult for you”, “Just give up”, “Just give in”,  and “Life is hard and you deserve a break.”

And honestly I need a break. I’ve kinda halted the Battle right now just because I’ve been getting literally no resistance whatsoever from the Snake. In fact…ugghhh….I think he is in love with me…like..ha….I’m about 90% certain. Who knows but I have been a complete bitch to the dude; calling him “not worth my time” and “easy” and “boring and predictable”; and he still won’t leave me be. He says he “cares for me deeply”, “can’t stop thinking about me”, “wants to be the only guy for me”, and that he hasn’t “shown love in a long time.”

So….that adds another layer of complication to this whole shebang. And I’ve been busy helping my good friend out with her business and that’s a full time job.

So Idunno. It’s not like I want to give in as much as I just want to have some irresponsible fun. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so.

I’m tired of trying to be perfect.

I’m tired of fighting the bipolar.

I’m tired.

We’ll see. I haven’t put away my sword and shield just yet. I’m just tired of not having to use my shield. I feel like I’m getting nowhere. It’s not in my nature to be cold and mean.

On the other hand, I could just stop talking to him and make it all go away. Oh the burden of being a human being with needs! I don’t know if this means I’ve hit Mania yet but I think I deserve a little fun. I’m not getting it anywhere else. And I’m young. I want to live a little before it’s all over and I sink back into Depression.

If you’re disappointed I’m sorry but this is the real me. Real bipolar. You want raw and honest then you got to be prepared for the gritty and unpleasant.

I’m not the hero of my story and I’m not going to pretend to be. So be prepared for some mistakes.

I want to feel alive. I’m tired of suppressing it. This venom that pumps through my veins intoxicates me. And I get a rush whenever he talks dirty to me. I need a hit and baby I want it.

It’s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil’s cup
Slowly, it’s taking over me
Too high
Can’t come down
It’s in the air and it’s all around
Can you feel me now?
The taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

14 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: Toxic

  1. I got swept up in the hypomanic hypsersexual mania last year…My kid still asks about my “friend”, who dropped me as soon as I wasn’t manic and ceased to be mindless fun.
    All that bothers me is that my kid remembers and still inquires. I moved on, cos well, same old…She…has not even a year later,
    I curse bipolar with every fiber of my being but it all boils down to self loathing. Bipolar’s gift that keeps on giving. No matter how good it is at the time…The fallout is not worth it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ughhh…I want to believe that. I do. I’ve just been so tired of fighting day in and day out. I know this must be the mania talking but I really just want one more round. Then I’ll leave him be. God it’s hard to think clearly

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ever noticed how mania mimics addiction? One more drink. One more toke. One more snort…
        Yet rarely is it just the one. no matter how much we want it to be. We can’t even claim addiction. We’re under the influence of our own brains!
        I hate bipolar.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never been a suffered from the hypersexuality. I want to tell you to stick to your guns and stay away from him, but I can’t tell you what to do. I know that you are exhausted from fighting. Just try to protect yourself, mentally, as much as you can.

    Love to you Jess.. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My gosh, your post is the polar opposite of my post called “Love and Other Drugs.” I want yo say don’t do it, but you have to make up your own mind and follow your own path, ugh mania! Xxxooo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I need to catch up on your posts. I’m behind on everyone’s. Congrats on being a HuffPost Blogger!!! You definitely deserve it. Thanks for the advice. It might be falling on deaf ears but I honestly think things will work out no matter what path I choose.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SO GOOD to hear from that – sorry I didn’t comment sooner, honey. Avi was diagnosed with walking pneumonia on Monday and I was caught up with that. (She’s fine now) LOVE YOU& I’m PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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