Fuck My Goddamn Life!

Ready. Set. Sail!

 

CT: Good evening and welcome to another exciting edition of Fuck My Goddamn Life! I’m your host Chip Tastic! Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants:

CT: She’s a soybean farmer from rural Nebraska, say hello to Margy SoSweet!!

MSS: Moisture and drainage people! That’s how you get the best darn crops!

CT: And our other contestant, she’s an unemployed bipolar blogger with a heart of gold, please welcome Jess Melancholia!!

JM: Screw you Chip! I told you I didn’t want to be here!

CT: Takes all kinds! Let’s meet our guests shall we? Margy, how’s life on the farm?

MSS: Oh! So rough! This year is going to be a poor harvest I’m afraid. But the Lord Jesus will provide and bless and keep us. My daddy says I have great potential and someday I will take over the family business! Eff my Goshdarn Life!

CT: Excellent attitude Margy! Keep your chin up and things will work out just dandy like candy!

JM: Your mom likes candy. I heard her sucking on something hard and long last night.

CT: My mother sure does have a sweet tooth. Now let’s move on to Jess. How’s life in the suburbs my friend?

JM: Fucking awful. I feel numb. Everything inside of me says I’m a disappointment. I gave in to the Snake last week and met up with him again. The worst part is that it was actually easier this time. I didn’t feel as guilty. And that frightens me to my core. I can feel my soul covered in black patches. It’s eroding my sanity. On top of that I’m scared to death that my marriage is going to lose its intimacy. I’d give my heart and soul to undo all that I’ve done because it’s breaking me. I’m becoming a person I hate. Weak and cold. All I can do is fight back and pray I don’t succumb to this awful foul creature I see myself becoming. All I do is hide under the covers now and cry, begging God to take my life because I don’t like who I’ve become. I’m so depressed…Fuck my Goddamn Life!

CT: Hahaha! Sounds like someone is a Grumpy Gus! Tell me, are you still in contact with this Snake fellow?

JM: No. I ended it again. This time I came in with the big guns. I wanted to cut off his damn head and mount it on my fucking wall. I was tired of giving in to the cold bastard so I did the one thing I thought would work: I humiliated him. I said everything I could that would get him to hate me. I told him “you wanna know what the strangest thing about all this is…it’s kinda lost it’s spark. I mean, it was fun don’t get me wrong, but I think I’m bored with you. You really have lost a lot of your seductive qualities and replaced them with crude comments. It’s very unattractive! And I wanna move on to a guy that isn’t so pathetically desperate to be around me!…Now that I got you out of my system, I’ll be leaving you be. Don’t contact me again. I’m so over you. It was fun while it lasted!”

CT: Ouch! That’s a kick in the groin if I ever heard one! How did he respond?

JM: Well…other than a “Huuuuh?” Nothing. I left the app on for four days and not a single word. I deleted it and handed over the account back to my husband. But yeah. Sounded like I broke him. I guess this means it’s finally over. There’s no way he’d take me back after all that. So I guess I finally defeated the Snake. One last blow with my sword straight to the head. I know it wasn’t fair to him. He isn’t really a Snake. Mark was just a person I was attracted to. He made me feel alive. I feel bad hurting him. But you have to understand that I needed to find a way for him to reject me. I needed him to move on from me and I from him. We don’t have a future together. And I don’t think he ever understood that with me being nice to him. So I had to be mean. It’s better if he hates me. Then we can both move past this…..

CT: …..zzzzzzzzz……..zzzzzzz…….(nose bubble)….

JM: Chip!! You stupid bastard! Wake the fuck up!!!

CT:….huh!!?!? Grandpa I’m sorry about the leather panties!!!…Oh…where am I? Oh right! Well folks I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. Tune in next time when we have special guests Kylie Jenner and BigFoot tell us about their day to day struggles. Now for a word from our sponsors:

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30 thoughts on “Fuck My Goddamn Life!

  1. Oh my God, gurrrrrl. The way you wrote this was so fucking hilarious, even brilliant. But my heart aches for you. I’m relieved you really and truly ended it. I just want you and your marriage to be okay!!!! It sucks shit that you’re suffering, and I have no nice ‘n tidy, honky dory advice to give. You always get awesome comments and I am hoping that some of ye olde Bipolar Compass Crew chime in with some wisdom. Please know I’m thinking of you and (imagine Prince and Whitney singing the following in a spectacular duet) I love you and I believe in you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Prince and Whitney are dead and so is my soul. Maybe one day it’ll heal but it wasn’t going to me seeing that guy. I’m so glad I was brave enough to be mean. I had to. Now I can truly move on.

      Your support and the fact that you comment is more than I can ask for. It means you care. And I can feel it and I count on it. Please don’t ever leave me Dyane. I need you more than you know. Hugs!! aXOXOXO

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will NEVER leave you!!!!!!! Ever! I DO care! And your soul WILL heal. Let’s throw another ALL-CAPS in there for good measure! ;

        God, Jess, your last post guiz show was absolutely hysterical & witty & ribald & riveting except for the fact that I knew my beautiful friend was writing it out of pain. But holy shit, you are one talented super freak!

        I wish I had more to give but I’m hoping that will change over the next year.

        In the meantime, know this. I’m always sending you love. Although you know I hate phone calls (ha ha ha – remember I blabbed and blabbed????) you can ALWAYS text me! To vent. Whatever. Anytime. You have my #! (if you need it again, let me know – email dyane@baymoon.com)

        LOVE YOU, YOU SUPERSTAR. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS SHIT. YOU WILL. I LOVE WRITING IN ALL CAPS!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. (Sorry I’ve been MIA, been dealing with monsters of my own…) And I feel like I shouldn’t even be putting in my two cents for being an MIA friend, but I’m with Dyane, my heart aches for you. You are clearly in pain. But all I could think of while reading was, “Fuck my Goddamn Life” would be a great title for a book. Now I’m going to catch up on everything I’ve missed while I’ve been trying not to pass out in the streets (my meds are making me wonky). I’m sorry you have to go through this. I have no other words. I’m in no place to judge nor would I ever want to, I just want you to feel a little more whole. This Snake guy I’m going to guess knows you have a husband, and he put himself in the line of fire. Feel no guilt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been MIA as well my dear. I’m so behind on your blog. I’m just glad you stopped by to say hi. Thanks so so much for that. I hope you can get your meds adjusted to work for you. I don’t want you to pass out in the steets!! And yeah your right…the Snake knew from the beginning that I had a husband. So that says a lot about his character. Now it’s time for blanket fort and reading your blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jess is some lady. Very funny unique intelligent way to present it. You have a very high IQ and wit.
    It goes without saying, you made the right decision to move on from this relationship, so let’s throw bravery in too.

    High IQ, wit, brave, aren’t you quite cool..

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh you remain anonymous silly.

        People have unusual usernames! You could be Sarah smith or confused PTSD.

        Nobody sees your email.

        I can’t even link email to your username, so I know nothing!

        Liked by 1 person

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