Ready. Set. Sail!
CT: Good evening and welcome to another exciting edition of Fuck My Goddamn Life! I’m your host Chip Tastic! Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants:
CT: She’s a soybean farmer from rural Nebraska, say hello to Margy SoSweet!!
MSS: Moisture and drainage people! That’s how you get the best darn crops!
CT: And our other contestant, she’s an unemployed bipolar blogger with a heart of gold, please welcome Jess Melancholia!!
JM: Screw you Chip! I told you I didn’t want to be here!
CT: Takes all kinds! Let’s meet our guests shall we? Margy, how’s life on the farm?
MSS: Oh! So rough! This year is going to be a poor harvest I’m afraid. But the Lord Jesus will provide and bless and keep us. My daddy says I have great potential and someday I will take over the family business! Eff my Goshdarn Life!
CT: Excellent attitude Margy! Keep your chin up and things will work out just dandy like candy!
JM: Your mom likes candy. I heard her sucking on something hard and long last night.
CT: My mother sure does have a sweet tooth. Now let’s move on to Jess. How’s life in the suburbs my friend?
JM: Fucking awful. I feel numb. Everything inside of me says I’m a disappointment. I gave in to the Snake last week and met up with him again. The worst part is that it was actually easier this time. I didn’t feel as guilty. And that frightens me to my core. I can feel my soul covered in black patches. It’s eroding my sanity. On top of that I’m scared to death that my marriage is going to lose its intimacy. I’d give my heart and soul to undo all that I’ve done because it’s breaking me. I’m becoming a person I hate. Weak and cold. All I can do is fight back and pray I don’t succumb to this awful foul creature I see myself becoming. All I do is hide under the covers now and cry, begging God to take my life because I don’t like who I’ve become. I’m so depressed…Fuck my Goddamn Life!
CT: Hahaha! Sounds like someone is a Grumpy Gus! Tell me, are you still in contact with this Snake fellow?
JM: No. I ended it again. This time I came in with the big guns. I wanted to cut off his damn head and mount it on my fucking wall. I was tired of giving in to the cold bastard so I did the one thing I thought would work: I humiliated him. I said everything I could that would get him to hate me. I told him “you wanna know what the strangest thing about all this is…it’s kinda lost it’s spark. I mean, it was fun don’t get me wrong, but I think I’m bored with you. You really have lost a lot of your seductive qualities and replaced them with crude comments. It’s very unattractive! And I wanna move on to a guy that isn’t so pathetically desperate to be around me!…Now that I got you out of my system, I’ll be leaving you be. Don’t contact me again. I’m so over you. It was fun while it lasted!”
CT: Ouch! That’s a kick in the groin if I ever heard one! How did he respond?
JM: Well…other than a “Huuuuh?” Nothing. I left the app on for four days and not a single word. I deleted it and handed over the account back to my husband. But yeah. Sounded like I broke him. I guess this means it’s finally over. There’s no way he’d take me back after all that. So I guess I finally defeated the Snake. One last blow with my sword straight to the head. I know it wasn’t fair to him. He isn’t really a Snake. Mark was just a person I was attracted to. He made me feel alive. I feel bad hurting him. But you have to understand that I needed to find a way for him to reject me. I needed him to move on from me and I from him. We don’t have a future together. And I don’t think he ever understood that with me being nice to him. So I had to be mean. It’s better if he hates me. Then we can both move past this…..
CT: …..zzzzzzzzz……..zzzzzzz…….(nose bubble)….
JM: Chip!! You stupid bastard! Wake the fuck up!!!
CT:….huh!!?!? Grandpa I’m sorry about the leather panties!!!…Oh…where am I? Oh right! Well folks I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. Tune in next time when we have special guests Kylie Jenner and BigFoot tell us about their day to day struggles. Now for a word from our sponsors:
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