Drowning In Fear: Who Am I?

Ready. Set. Sail!

I need to speak. Please hear me out. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I just need to get off my chest. I hope I can.

I met up with a friend earlier today. She and I had a long conversation. We talked about our fears and our struggles. I let myself slip some things out to her that I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing with all of you. I can’t believe I said them out loud.

It’s like this.

Having tread a long road on the Trail of Stability, I find myself at the edge of a lake. The cold misty air hangs heavy over the gray still waters. Silence. Nothing on the horizon. I reach deep inside and pull out my heart. Clenched between boths hands, I lower it slowly into the water in front of me. It sinks immediately. I stand there staring as it slowly disappears into the lake.

That’s what I want right now. To put my heart to rest. It’s so full inside of me I can’t breathe. All these emotions are bubbling up to the surface and I’m petrified. What if I can’t handle them? What if I don’t like how I feel? I’m scared.

You see, I don’t know who I am. I believe in this great person I want to be. She is beautiful and strong. Funny and clever. But she’s gone. Or maybe she never existed.

What I’m trying to say is I’m not sure if I’m suppressing who I really am. I believe in this idea of a perfect life but I don’t want it anymore. I feel like I can’t be me. What if I need to be alone? I’m afraid to leave my life. The comforts and traditions.

It begins beating. From deep down I can see the water’s ripple as they vibrate with each beat of my heart. I can’t breathe. I fall into the lake. Sinking down. Further and further. Light begins to fade. I’m trapped in the dark. I can’t hold my breath any longer. I flail my arms and try to swim. Nothing. I can’t hold my breath any longer. Please help me! I’m drowning! Oh God! Please help! I can’t hold it! I don’t want to die! I can’t hold…I can’t….

Darkness.

Is this the way I go? Trapped in the life I hate? Woah. There is a little. Maybe go deeper. I hate my life. I want out. Oh God, what am I saying? I want to go somewhere. Far away. I want to be alone. I want to be free. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m…suffocating.

Am I happy? No. I’m not. Do I feel lonely? Yes I do. Am I forcing myself to feel things I don’t feel anymore? For people I don’t care about….um….I’m not sure.

Who am I supposed to be?

I guess I didn’t go very deep. I’m holding back the tears. I tried. I’m too scared to be honest with myself. I’m so so afraid to say what’s on my mind. I’m afraid it’ll be true.

Maybe one day I’ll say it. I’ll just keep living the dull life I’m living. Hopefully things will get better.

Sorry.

 

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world


17 thoughts on “Drowning In Fear: Who Am I?

  1. Jess – that was Great! I love the way you type in that song it’s one of my favorite and the feelings that you’re currently have and I love what you had to say in them and the way you said it as well hang in there girl you’ll do it

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are in my thoughts and I know that you will find a way – whether out or going through – you are a strong, beautiful, capable, and immensely talented woman. I am here if you need to talk ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, sweet Jess. The vivid, gut-wrenching way you described your heart & the lake…..wow. Made me speechless. I’ve felt very similar things you describe so well. I know you were planning on seeing a couples therapist on Saturday. What I’m wondering if you have a counselor just for *you*. If not, could you consider meeting with someone you have a good rapport with, if at all possible? I want you to have all the support you need and deserve. I know costs might be concern. In this area we have a couple low-cost counseling centers that I’ve used. It’s just a thought!

    It gets better. It does. But it’s hard – I won’t lie – but you know that. And because you’re already an old soul, I know that it won’t take you nealy as long for life to get better as it did for me. No way. This is only a phase. Things chance all the time.

    Sending you love and strength, keep writing!!!! Keep listening to music that you like, too. And share any of it here! πŸ˜‰
    XOXOX
    Dy

    p.s. The sign of an amazing song is how many well-done covers there are of it – “Mad World” is one of those songs, and this is an excellent version. Can you believe that I’ve been listening to Tears for Fears for 33 years!!! I’ve heard that songs literally hundreds of times – can you believe I still have the same tape cassette “The Hurting” that has “Mad World” (which is still working in my rusted Suburu Forester’s tape deck!) from when I got it @ age 13? πŸ˜‰ Anyway, this song..it’s imbedded deep within my brain…you have great taste, my beautiful friend. I love their song “The Hurting” even though I never feel like I fully get the lyrics in most songs, LOL. Still, there’s something about this one….hope you like it.

    “The Hurting” Tears for Fears, 1983

    Is it an horrific dream
    Am I sinking fast
    Could a person be so mean
    As to laugh and laugh
    On my own
    Could you ease my load
    Could you see my Pain
    Could you please explain
    The Hurting
    Could you understand a child
    When he cries in Pain
    Could you give him all he needs
    Or do you feel the same
    All along
    You’ve been told you’re wrong
    When you felt it right
    And you’re left to fight
    The Hurting
    Get in line with the things you know
    Feel the Pain
    Feel the sorrow
    Touch the hurt and don’t let go
    Get in line with the things you know
    Learn to cry
    Like a baby
    Then the hurting won’t come back

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I relate. I don’t hate “my” life so much. I just hate life, period. The monotony, the bleakness, the fact that even if I lived in a mansion with Prince fricking Charming and never worried about money again…Bipolar is still gonna be there like an ugly growth I can’t have surgically removed.
    Not much to look forward to so why not be scared and feel doomed?
    But you gotta stick around to see what happens next. Life may just surprise us all and grant us a pegacorn to behold! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this emotional upheaval. I’m so sorry for the pain. I know all these emotions you’ve described so well, and for me this happens when my mood is not good, i.e. my bipolar is acting up. Can you try and make sure that you don’t want to leave the life you’ve built because of the bipolar? Try and make sure your mood is stable and then if you still feel the same way, well then you know. Change is traumatic, but it can be wonderful too. It’s so hard to know if the decision you are making is the right one. Almost, is there really a right decision? Aren’t they all just decisions you make and then go from there? But Dear Jess, just make sure it’s not because of your illness. Love and lots and lots of hugs. Samina.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Don’t let this moment of pain and confusion carry you away. Hold on and look for the bright spots. I promise there are bright spots if you look.

    Liked by 1 person

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