Ready. Set. Sail!
I need to speak. Please hear me out. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I just need to get off my chest. I hope I can.
I met up with a friend earlier today. She and I had a long conversation. We talked about our fears and our struggles. I let myself slip some things out to her that I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing with all of you. I can’t believe I said them out loud.
It’s like this.
Having tread a long road on the Trail of Stability, I find myself at the edge of a lake. The cold misty air hangs heavy over the gray still waters. Silence. Nothing on the horizon. I reach deep inside and pull out my heart. Clenched between boths hands, I lower it slowly into the water in front of me. It sinks immediately. I stand there staring as it slowly disappears into the lake.
That’s what I want right now. To put my heart to rest. It’s so full inside of me I can’t breathe. All these emotions are bubbling up to the surface and I’m petrified. What if I can’t handle them? What if I don’t like how I feel? I’m scared.
You see, I don’t know who I am. I believe in this great person I want to be. She is beautiful and strong. Funny and clever. But she’s gone. Or maybe she never existed.
What I’m trying to say is I’m not sure if I’m suppressing who I really am. I believe in this idea of a perfect life but I don’t want it anymore. I feel like I can’t be me. What if I need to be alone? I’m afraid to leave my life. The comforts and traditions.
It begins beating. From deep down I can see the water’s ripple as they vibrate with each beat of my heart. I can’t breathe. I fall into the lake. Sinking down. Further and further. Light begins to fade. I’m trapped in the dark. I can’t hold my breath any longer. I flail my arms and try to swim. Nothing. I can’t hold my breath any longer. Please help me! I’m drowning! Oh God! Please help! I can’t hold it! I don’t want to die! I can’t hold…I can’t….
Is this the way I go? Trapped in the life I hate? Woah. There is a little. Maybe go deeper. I hate my life. I want out. Oh God, what am I saying? I want to go somewhere. Far away. I want to be alone. I want to be free. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m…suffocating.
Am I happy? No. I’m not. Do I feel lonely? Yes I do. Am I forcing myself to feel things I don’t feel anymore? For people I don’t care about….um….I’m not sure.
Who am I supposed to be?
I guess I didn’t go very deep. I’m holding back the tears. I tried. I’m too scared to be honest with myself. I’m so so afraid to say what’s on my mind. I’m afraid it’ll be true.
Maybe one day I’ll say it. I’ll just keep living the dull life I’m living. Hopefully things will get better.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world