Suppressing My Nature: Sex And My Needs

Ready. Set. Sail!

(Real Mania Trigger Warning!!!)

I’ve been really quiet lately and people are starting to wonder if I’m OK and what’s going on. So here is the deal. I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of emotions lately. I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrated, scared, angry, depressed, and confused I’ve been. Some days I can go for a walk and smell the flowers. Other days I just lay in bed and cover up in the blankets.

Blah, blah, blah…you kinda figured that right? Where is the juicy meat of the story?!?

OK calm down. Don’t get your panties in a bunch (unless you’re into that sort of thing then by all means BUNCH UP THEM PANTIES!!).

Can I be honest? Like brutally honest? Good. Cause I’m about to be (Fair warning: I’m in an emotionally vulnerable state and not all of this can or will be construed as 100% truthful or legally binding. Reader discretion is advised. Snarky or mean comments will be retaliated with harsh words.)

I hate my life. Like really don’t enjoy my existence. I’m in an unhappy marriage with a husband who has deliberately held off intimacy for years to pursue his own interests. Then when I try and find sexual satisfaction from another man, I get called out. I was starving people! And the fact that I was hypersexual and wanted to hump everything that moved really didn’t help!! It’s not fair that he can just claim ignorance while I get blamed full-force for my behaviour. That’s not fucking cool! I have needs too!

I begged him over and over to love me the way I feel I deserved. All the times he was like, “Oh I’m tired honey,” were the times he was off doing his own thing wasting valuable energy and time on other women. Fuck him! So I had to sit back and be the good little wife and wait until my husband was in the mood (aka not exhausted) and allow him to please himself over me.

This is all a load of horseshit! Steaming fucking pile! Why in God’s name did I put up with his lack of interest in me for SO LONG??!!?

You know what. I deserved my seven minutes in heaven. I did. And I enjoyed it. I felt alive for the first time in YEARS! I had a man who wanted me and my pleasure more than anything. He’d take his time on me, making sure every part of my body was taken care of. Letting me get off as many times as I wanted!! Yeah!! I’m allowed that.

But now I have nothing. A sexless marriage. And when I say sexless…I mean crappy. I mean my husband doesn’t get me off anymore. Not for the past year. I almost always have to picture Mark (The Snake) to orgasm. Yeah. I know. I know it wouldn’t have lasted much longer. That’s not the point. The point is I got what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted.

Some days he is all I think about. All day long. Reminiscing about how fun it was to be tossed around and grabbed and kissed. God I get lost in thought. The urge is so damn tempting. Imagine being touched and kissed and pleased by someone who craves you. Who can’t get you off his mind. Who’d do anything to rip your legs open and explore. I want that heart-pounding, leg-shaking, high. I want to feel my skin electrified. I want to get lost in lust and feel good again.

There have been about 20 times I’ve come this close to contacting him again. I’d tell myself I’d beg for forgiveness and try and work it out. Then I stop because I don’t want to run back into the arms of a man (I really should say boy) who treated me like shit.

So now what. Well I’ve been planning a trip to go clubbing. I won’t say when or where because my best friends read this blog and I don’t want to tip myself off. But it’s happening. I’m going to get my life back.

And fuck Sexaholics Anonymous! They don’t help. It’s madness. All of us sitting together in a circle boo-hooing our cravings and desires. We are encouraged to tame our desires and suppress who we really are like caged animals! Society tells us to feel ashamed of our actions. So we obey like cowards.

I’ll tell you something right now; I’m not sick. We use the word “disease” to talk about our sexaholic urges. I’m telling you right now, honestly, I feel like I’m betraying my nature.

I’m bisexual. I don’t have a problem with the way I feel about women. It’s not as intense as my feelings for men but it’s there. There have been times I had an uncontrollable urge to smother girls I’ve been around. I’m good at pleasing them. I’ve kissed, touched, and pleased over a dozen women. Heck. My first kiss was a girl back in 5th grade. But I tried suppressing that part of myself due to religious pressures for a long time. And it hurt because I didn’t know how to control it. This feels the same. Is that shocking?

I don’t feel ashamed or guilty other than the fact that I’m supposed to. Yup. You heard that right. I think it’s who I am. Suppressing it feels wrong! It doesn’t make sense. But I drudgingly work through the 12 Steps because that’s my only option if I don’t want a divorce and live alone the rest of my life because men won’t trust me.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m living this lie. I don’t want to leave because there have been SA that have found peace and “sobriety” to be comforting. There is something though…in their eyes…that feels… disingenuous. There was a guy a couple weeks ago that was 10 years sober and lost it by sexually acting out. I wonder what made him cave.

I’ll stay in my little cage and behave. That’s all I can do really.


26 thoughts on “Suppressing My Nature: Sex And My Needs

  1. Wow…I don’t really even know where to begin. The way that you lay it all out there and the brutal honesty with which you describe things is incredible. I only wish I could be that honest, with myself, with my wife, with everyone. Every detail that you just described could most certainly be describing me. I feel like I’m tearing apart inside because of these struggles that I have, which apparently you have as well. Sometimes I feel like I’m just acting out a role just to please everyone else but I’m not being true to myself. I don’t want to be considered as “reckless” but I feel like nobody really knows the REAL me because I never get a chance to let that person out. The meds absolutely suck because they put me in a fog and basically mask my real feelings. You know some of the struggles that I’m going through, but what I didn’t tell you before is that ALL intimacy has been gone from my marriage and I don’t know that I can ever get it back, and right now my wife isn’t even speaking to me. But even before then, we haven’t had sex in nearly two years, and she won’t even kiss me (unless you count a peck on the cheek as a kiss). But every time I even attempt to bring that up for discussion she immediately thinks that I’m only wanting that because I’m bipolar and hypersexual. I just want intimacy….the REAL me, the one that everybody thinks I should keep hidden LOVES the little things like kissing….HARD, PASSIONATE kissing, where you don’t want to pull away, and REAL sex, not just a five minute “get it over with” (which I haven’t even had that) but the kind where you take your time and your entire attention is focused on the other person and their wants and needs. Is that wrong for me to want? But instead society has labeled some of us as deviants and I think that’s just wrong. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do feel your pain and completely understand where you are coming from. The people in my life mean well, but I know that they have this expectation of me and I know that I’m going to let them down. It might not be today, nor tomorrow, but I can’t fight this forever and who is “RIGHT” and who is “WRONG”? Is it fair for me to always keep hidden the person that I really am, or do I just “suck it up” and do what society has labeled as the right thing (whatever that is) just so I don’t have to be alone. I honestly don’t know….

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    1. I really don’t have a good comment right now because I’m so upset my brain is in a fog but I’ll be back to give proper comment later. Right now, all I can say is Amen and fuck all those people who don’t understand our carnal needs!

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  2. Hang in there Jess. I love that you are so honest. In a sick way, I like the bisexual part of you too. It is very intriguing and sexy (just to lighten the mood a little and hopefully make you smile).

    You are not alone. Just reading your blog lets me know there is another person out there with almost the exact problems that I have. Bipolar is a treacherous state of mind but sometimes so rewarding in the hypomania stage.

    I sometimes have an angel and devil on both shoulders trying to convince me one way or the other. One is telling me to adhere to the rules of marriage, be faithful, and acknowledge that such bad thoughts of infidelity are a trigger and need to be curbed. The other is telling me to stop being a pussy and go for it. Life is too short and I have needs that are not being met. Damn that little fucking devil.

    The thing to remember is that those needs are made up in your bipolar world. They are not normal, whatever that means. They can be stopped or at least minimized. Like you, I have not found that remedy yet but I keep trying.

    Sometimes I just want to explode and go to a bar, flirt with women, and try to get them sexually aroused. I know how to pick them like a predator. I can tell when a woman is vulnerable and I try to take advantage of them, emotionally. I get to a point when I know she wants to have sex, but I slowly let her down so I do not cheat on my wife. For some reason, it is the ultimate high knowing I still have that ability to attract women.

    Shit. I don’t think this helped much. Sorry about that.

    “I hate being bipolar. It’s fucking awesome!”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! I’ve been there done all of it. There is little satisfaction when you are hypersexual and don’t have a mate that doesn’t love it at least. There are peaks as far as age goes when it is unbearable. Say 30’s to me were the hardest to control. Meds don’t help, but time will help as you get older, it isn’t so overpowering. But it will always be there to deal with.

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  4. I agree with you. Sex is primal. It’s more than an action. Its a human instinct. And I know what its like living in a marriage where sex is withheld. Constant rejection, almost a power play. I find your statement “pleased by someone who craves you” powerful. I have known and experienced it and want to experience it again and again. You are right, it feels alive. Brave one with your absolute honesty. Bravo!

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  5. You poor guys….Least I’m not alone ,in a way it does make me feel better as go through the same emotions….But unfortunately my Family won’t talk about it with me they just don’t want to know….Sad…..It would be nice if someone told me if I was acting inappropriately , because I don’t know , and I feel scared to have to much contact with people…..I do look back now that I am aware I have BP and cringe….But at the same time I loved my highs even if other people didn’t…..I was diagnosed 4yrs ago after sending most of my life with those horrendous crippling depressions…Anyway I am now on 200mg of Lamotrigine……and 400mg of Téralithe…….And I have never had a depression since, I get tired for a few days, don’t want to do anything, that I hate….But I do still have highs which I absolutely love…The house cat and dog get painted all the colors of the rainbow…. Sorry for going on ,but not used to this….What I really wanted to do was to give the name and the dose of my medicine, it might help someone?I live in France so the name will not be the same in all country’s :)) Maddie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Maddie for your comment. I sincerely hope someone will benefit from your dosage recommendations. I’m actually on 225mg of Lamotrigine as well. Bipolar is difficult. Hopefully one day we can cure it. Take care and keep me informed!

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  6. The Donor sucked me in by being uber sensual and seeming to need me to breathe…The passion was my addiction. And then I became furniture. Just there, usable but nothing new or interesting. That’s when it went to hell for me every single time. And I assert myself and get accused of being a sex addict and expecting him to be a machine…But it was never like that. When you’re in a bipolar state, manic or depressed, sex and orgasm create those wonderful chemicals that are a high you can’t buy. Seriously, who wouldn’t want that, exhausted or not?
    I’m with you on men or women, whatever. I don’t like labels because people go to the extreme but I have been with both genders and it’s about what I am drawn to, not what plumbing is involved.

    My advice is to get a good shower massager. (Did she just got there,OMFG she did!) No, it’s not the same as touching and feeling the real deal but if it squelches the impulses and floods with the good chemicals…you can’t hurt a shower massager’s ego or catch anything! ❤

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  7. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough patch. I second morgueticiaatoms’ suggestion! There are so many fun toys out there that can make life bearable when sex is off the table for whatever reason. Plus many of them can be used solo or with a partner so you can use them to reconnect/rekindle when you’re both ready.

    Liked by 1 person

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