I Should Be Happy

Ready. Set. Sail!

Here I am again…for the 500th time this week. Sorry I’ve been giving you guys so much reading material. Fuck! You think I’d learn to shut up!

I feel so hollow. So damn lonely and sad. I wanna scream but I don’t have the energy. I’m lifeless and cold. A cloud of darkness looms inside my head. I feel nothing.

I should be happy. Why aren’t I happy? Things are going so well, and with yesterday’s news, I should be jumping out of my seat.

But I’m not. I’m in bed crying. Covered in tears. The Fog rolled in and it covers me in it’s cold embrace. It tells me I’m a failure. No one loves me. My friends and family don’t really care that much about me.

What if I’m kidding myself? What if I really am worthless? I don’t know why I waste my time with trying to blog. I fucking suck at it. People don’t want to know the real me. Who am I anyways?

And I suck as a wife. I feel like I’m a waste of space.

Don’t any of you pretend you even care! I know you don’t. This whole fucking blog is useless! Why the fuck do you guys even care?!? HUH?? I’m nobody. Nobody! Just another spec in the sand. I’m going to wither and die and no one will care. No one. That’s how important I am to the fabric of existence. You guys will forget me and move on. And there is no person on this planet that cares less about me than I do.

And this isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t “let’s all rally together to help Jess because she is a fucking mess right now.” That’s not what this is. This is me realizing the truth. That I’m worthless. That God put me on this earth to show how far his cruelty extends. To make an example of an innocent girl who wanted nothing more than to grow up and be happy.

But she’s dead. And I don’t know if I want to revive her.

I’m sorry you wasted your time listening to me.

Fucking leave me alone.

 


20 thoughts on “I Should Be Happy

  1. Dude, you gotta stop listening to the depression. It’s a compulsive liar. Like a cult leader, repeating things over and over until you are brainwashed.

    You wanna know why I blog, why I read other’s blog and really do care?
    Because the depression lies to me, too, and sometimes…I need someone and I want to be there for someone in the same position,
    It’s not rocket science. We just care cos we want others to care for us. You can’t receive until you give.

    That concluded, you may carry on with your current mood but remember…it’s all LIES.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Jess I hate when that black cloud comes it sucks so bad. And then that voice inside of us tells us all the damn lies it can think of to make us feel like no one cares and no one wants us. I have felt like you are so many, many times and it’s like a storm we have to ride out until it says well maybe she is worn out enough I’ll lift my attack just a little. It is so unfair, I do know your pain, and it doesn’t matter if you just won the lottery it grabs us and the joy from us and we aren’t ever able to understand why the hell we feel this way. I could tell you things to try to make you feel better but, I know in the middle of the storm it does not help. I care so much about you, because I see my younger self in you and know how hard it was for me. I’ve walked in your shoes with all the same problems you are going through and I didn’t do near as good as you. I’ve learned a lot about myself through your blog. I know you probably don’t even want to read this right now, but want you to know I care about you a great deal.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. morgueticia is correct, depression lies, and on top of that it tries to suck out everything that is you so that you’re a painful empty shell. But it’s all a trick, it can’t really do that, it just fools you into believing this, it’s all lies…

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I care, I just started reading your blogs and yes I don’t really know you but I care. No one should have to suffer this way. I have that dark cloud too all the time. And I love reading your
    Blogs, it helps others with bipolar understand their not alone, and connect with one another. Hang in there!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Cait. I know I said I didn’t want any pity but I’m so very glad you reached out for me. It means the world that you like my blogs and want to make sure I’m OK. I’ll try and keep going.

      Like

  5. Oh, fuck, I’m sorry you’re going through this shit. The depression is the worst fucking liar ever, Morgue is right. It’s horrible. I hope it passes quickly. I know you said to leave you alone so I’m sorry for being an annoying pissant. The depression tells me nobody gives a shit and then I read the comments on these blogs and I remember it’s lying. You and our community pulls me through, so even though it sounds annoying and stupid, remember, I’m in your balcony box cheering you on, hoping for the best, and trying to encourage. You are beautiful and wonderful. “When our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and knows all things.” I John 3:20 The depression is telling you you should be happy to accuse you, like your feelings shouldn’t be valid, but they are. And you are valid. Be like fruit in liquor and macerate in our care, even though the hugs are only virtual. ~Deon

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I keep forgetting the power that this community has to lift us up when we are down. You’re not being an annoying pissant. You’re being a friend trying to help someone in need. I need to be reminded that the depression lies. Thank you Deon for reaching out to me yesterday! I needed to hear from you.

      Like

  6. Jess.

    Would you tweet me ASAP. This is so sad to read. I know this is stress, depression, anxiety affecting you. Stay with me .Your blog is invaluable . You’re a great person. Why? I’m a good judge of character..

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve been there, attempted suicide even. Depression lies to you! I thought my child would be better off in foster care than with me, that’s where my head was. I’m still depressed but well enough to realize how wrong I was. Listen to your friends and family and trust them when they tell you you matter and that your loss would be profound.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Here are some facts – you don’t suck at blogging: how many posts do you have? How many followers? How many views? How many comments from people who really do care about? You are a great success writing for Huffington Post and that BP other one I don’t remember 😉 Those are facts, not depression lying to you. Another fact – you’re not a waste of space, you are just in a bad place. You have your husband and your marriage and I’m sure friends and family that would be just crippled if you were to disappear. There is no need to apologise for blogging when you’re in a place of pain. We are all here to support you. Together we are a community that cares. And I care about you. I would really miss you if you stopped blogging. Take a break, have a rest, or blog the shit outta this place – whatever it takes to get you to a better place. Sending you loads of ((hugs)) You are intelligent, creative, bright and alive…. now those are facts too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh man!! You are so sweet! I’m getting so bogged down by everything that it’s difficult to see the facts. You are so right. And I’ve been trying to remind myself of them. Thank you for being such a dear and reaching out to help me. It made me so happy reading your comment. I’m feeling better today so hopefully things work out. Take care of yourself as well and feel better, Pieces.

      Liked by 1 person

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