***Disclaimer For My Blog***

I’m really pissed off right now and I feel like I need to make myself clear because there are people that read my shit and are a little confused. So here are a few hard facts that I want you guys to swallow:

First off, I trust my friend Furiosa. We’re very close and have known each other for years. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. So yeah, I trust her. Having told her about this blog and all the things that go on in my life makes me worry but I’m 100% confident she won’t say anything to any of my family or friends. She knows full well that it would destroy me and our friendship. So that’s not going to happen.

Second, I am well aware of the consequences of my actions. Well. Fucking. Aware! I make light but in all seriousness, it would hurt like fuck to have to explain once again to my husband that I couldn’t control myself. I’d go into self-pity and loathing and probably become suicidal. So I’m trying my absolute best to not give in but I’m only human and this isn’t something I can always fight. Those of you who have been following me from the early days know this well and clear.

Third, my imagery is the core of my blog. I use it as a tool to make a point because people find it helpful. Most people have no idea how devastatingly difficult it is to have these intense urges. It ruins my ability to focus and I feel like I’m overwhelmed by my thoughts. It feels like a stranglehold. So the imagery gives you, the reader, the ability to feel what it’s like in my head and hopefully wrap your mind around how difficult this symptom of bipolar Mania can be.

Fourth, I’m not here to entertain you. I’m a scientist; I like to journal. I’m documenting my thoughts and behaviors in order to show the world how mind-numbingly different it is to be me. This blog is for myself first and foremost and you guys are just along for the ride. My goal is to one day look back on my life and be proud of how far I’ve come in managing my symptoms.

Fifth, I had a few drinks on meds. Not the only one to do it. It makes me feel normal and I like pretending. I don’t go getting drunk on a frequent basis if at all. And none of my health care professionals from two different hospitals have EVER thought I had a problem with alcohol. Disagree if you want.

Last but not least, I’m doing my Goddamn best. There is nothing you could say or do to guilt me into behaving. I’ll do my best to not fuck my life up. It really hurt me that some of you sound so judgemental. It’s terrifying being vulnerable online!! Worse if I was using my real identity. So I’d appreciate if people could be more sympathetic.

I’ve recently released a few public articles on the topic of hypersexuality and I’ve gotten some nasty comments. Mostly from people I doubt read more than the small snippets description of my post on Facebook.

Listen to me loud and clear: stop it! Stop calling me a fucking slut!! I’m not a terrible wife. I DIDN’T DO THIS ON PURPOSE!!! You have NO FUCKING IDEA how hard it is to be tempted like this. The constant voice in my head telling me to give in. It drives me absolutely out of my mind. I don’t get any peace. If you could hear me screaming at my computer as I type this, you could fathom an iota of how awful I feel. Those of you that get me know it’s like a worm stuck in your brain that you can’t get out. Crawling around hurting inside your skull.

It’s stigma. Plain and simple. Don’t judge me for not being strong enough. My emotions are fueled by my mental illness. My brain malfunction. My disorder. This isn’t something I can control but rather circumvent.

Just shut your Goddamn mouths if you have nothing good to say!! Period. I’m tired of being people’s punching bag. I’m a human being. Think about that for a second before you comment.

I’m not going to censor you. I’d hate that. But I’d hope you could understand the context more. If I didn’t make myself clear in the post about my struggle I’m sorry. I’ll be more honest next time.
This isn’t meant to attack a particular person. This disclaimer is a LONG TIME COMING. I’m not angry with those of you who support me. I’m not angry at anyone in particular. This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Please please don’t kick me when I’m down again. I’m very hurt right now. I’m probably overreacting. I know that. But I have to say something.

And if anyone one of you makes a hurtful comment, I swear to God I’ll take my dirty, rusty chainsaw straight to your fucking skull!

Don’t fucking test me!


33 thoughts on “***Disclaimer For My Blog***

  1. Jim’s 100% right!

    You should have seen the hateful, crazy shit I deleted from my blog & private email & what was posted to FluffToast when the ECT post went up – fuck them!

    I strongly suggest this technique – if you read the first line and it’s from a hater, STOP READING!! The negativity will trigger you and get to you – it did to me, and I finally stopped reading the horrible stuff.

    Protect yourself!!!!! You are amazing and they are cowards who need help!

    💜 you!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Dy. People can be so cold. I don’t understand. How can you judge someone so harshly if you don’t even know them or bother looking st their struggle with an open mind? It’s absurd!! I’m OK. I needed to vent. Tired.of getting pushed around. I just wish people could understand.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get it – these people are seriously bitter and want to rile us up; they are more lost than we’ll ever be……they deserve compassion, but it’s hard for me to feel that way when they are so cold and narrow-minded. Just take care of you…..venting is good & healthy. And don’t forget – your blog is your “living room”, and you have every right to share whatever you want, i.e. drinking on meds (God knows I’ve done it) without followers moralizing about it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. OK. Hands up some of this is directed at me.
    1. I know you trust your friend. I was worried when you mentioned it though, as I know this is your private place to vent. I do apologise if my worry seemed like a lack of confidence in your good friend. It’s not. I just know this is your private space. But it will continue to be

    2. I’m a follower of some time and know you know your mind best. I was a bit time poor!
    I thus maybe sounded like I was giving orders and no one gives this lady orders,

    3, imagery. I love your imagery!

    4. I believe you will look back in time on this and you are an excellent writer . Absolutely excellent.

    5. Small amounts of alcohol can be taken with meds. You know your body best!’

    I would never criticise your HyperSexuality . I know I didn’t and I don’t know who is sending you insults and some of that is so derogatory. I’m not guilty here.

    You don’t mince your words and I’m sure you feel better for venting. #StrongWoman #WillKickYourAss #JessWillLeaveYouInPain!
    #TopWriter

    Aidan.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aidan I didn’t want to call you out because I really like you and I consider you a friend. Thank you for writing this. I know you care. I’ve just been getting some of the stuff you mentioned from other people before you for a while. I’m just so scared. I’m terrified Aidan! I don’t want to ruin my life. But it won’t go away and I’m doing everything I can to fix it.

      I really appreciate you responding. I’m sorry I overreacted to your comment.

      I’m OK. I needed to vent. Tired of getting pushed around. I just wish people could understand like you do. It’s so hurtful. I just want help.

      Anyways. I’m so thankful for all your support. You’ve been there with me through thick and thin and I’m more than grateful. It puts a smile on my face.

      But I’m still going to chainsaw the assholes and make them with they weren’t born!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Only difference between real life carnivals and the net is the game is Whack A Troll instead of Whack A Mole. I like to use a Z Whacker, of course.

    Give ’em hell. Net trolls are the playground bullies of the adult world.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You go, girl! This is your space and you own it. I’m sorry to hear you get mean comments. You don’t deserve any of that. You’re sharing your journey and that’s a brave thing to do even with an alias. And I’m glad you have an IRL person who knows about your journey; it may have been unplanned to tell her, but it seems like it will help you in the long run.

    And I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who sings the “just keep swimming” song when things get rough. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s an awesome song and it helps keep you motivated. I love your support Lori! You’re always so kind and uplifting. Thank you for that. I definitely don’t deserve any of this shit. I’ll continue to share my story with you and anyone else who wants to hear.

      Like

  5. Take no notice of judgemental arses , at the moment you are doing just fine and please keep your blogs coming they are really helping me.

    I emailed you a few days ago and since then I have been the doctors and have been referred as I believe I do have bipolar. My doc thinks it’s “rapid cycling” and Hypersexuality of course.

    Its fucking awful getting the urges and the aftermath of guilt, shame self loathing pity party if they are acted upon!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my God you did?!? Did I respond? I’m so sorry if I didn’t. Feel free to email me again if you want to. Sorry I’ve been really busy the past few days.

      And I’m glad I’m helping. To me that seems odd but if you enjoy it and are learning from me then that makes me feel amazing.

      The guilt and shame after the urges are fulfilled is absolutely awful. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. Hopefully you and I will find a way around this.

      Like

  6. I missed the original thread-argument-trolling situation. But I hope you are feeling better. The combination of “hater” and “troll” is a very bad one indeed. But it looks like your supportive readers far outnumber the haters. And BTW, I’ll have a drink tonight, and I’ll make sure to mentally toast to you and better days. 🙂 Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey Jess I am so sorry people are so judgemental, and hurt you. Please know I am one who has walked the same path as you struggle with. I want you to know how much I admire your honesty, and how much you help me understand my past. People have no idea how hard it is to live with and deal with the emotions. I stand with you sweetie and love your powerful blog.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I didn’t even know back then what was causing it. There was nothing to help me understand other than a lot of guilt. I didn’t have a lot of self control in my 30’s. Most of which I wasn’t married. But drinking and pot made it much worse. I can only tell you it does get easier with age. Sweetie I am here anytime you need to talk.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. As much as I love the net and the blogosphere, I too lose faith sometime from trolls. Sad little people who can only feel good by bringing others down.

    I respect what you’re going through and empathize the best I can. No judgement here. I hope you know that’s true of most of your readers.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Its unsettling to hear you so distressed. They are just filthy little fuckers who have nothing better to do. This is your haven, your sanctuary, a place where you don’t have to defend yourself and your illness. I’ve got your back, girl ❤ And I agree with Blah, you are courageous!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I know you don’t know me nor do I know you. But I want to say that my mouth droped as I read your post…what I am about to say isn’t to attack you in anyway. I want to give you a high five for what you said,in your post. Your a strong person. I am glad you have this blog to were you can pore your thoughts and feelings down. No one should ever pass judgement, because they do not know what you are going threw and how you are dealing with it.

    You know what ppl need to get edducation about Bipolar bcause there are more ppl out there hiding afraid to come out because of ppl would pass judgment. So I will end here thank you for your blog, I hope ppl will come to a better understanding that people like your self are HUMAN a PERSON not matter what.

    You hang in there and please contiune with your blogging.

    Christine

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. Oh my God. Thank you Christine! That’s so sweet of you to say. Things are just hard for me sometimes but it’s people like you that give me strength and motivation to keep going. Blogging is my passion and I’m glad you like it and are willing to stick with me through it. Don’t go nowhere girl. You rock!
      -Jess

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your welcome…I know how it feel’s when ppl say mean things. They have done it with me because of my learning disability. It is up to my adult hood that I have become open more and stand on my own feet. I know it is not the same but I understand how ppl can be rude and mean…

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Fucking humans. I salute you Jess. You are one of the bravest, most beautiful-hearted people I have met (on the net). Haters gonna hate. They judge you because they are uneducated – in short, shit-for-brains.

    I agree with Dy – just don’t read their idiotic words. Delete delete delete. Fuck ’em, and the trolls they rode in on.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi Jess. I am so sorry. I don’t even know where to start.
    I hear ya! I just started to follow you. This is the first post I read and I’m in shock already… lol
    But I’m not here to judge. I want to provide a safe space where you can trust and be vulnerable.
    It’s all about support. If they cannot provide that, they can go to hell… 😉

    Namaste!
    LIVE ❤ LAUGH … Belle Papillon

    Liked by 1 person

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