I’m really pissed off right now and I feel like I need to make myself clear because there are people that read my shit and are a little confused. So here are a few hard facts that I want you guys to swallow:
First off, I trust my friend Furiosa. We’re very close and have known each other for years. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. So yeah, I trust her. Having told her about this blog and all the things that go on in my life makes me worry but I’m 100% confident she won’t say anything to any of my family or friends. She knows full well that it would destroy me and our friendship. So that’s not going to happen.
Second, I am well aware of the consequences of my actions. Well. Fucking. Aware! I make light but in all seriousness, it would hurt like fuck to have to explain once again to my husband that I couldn’t control myself. I’d go into self-pity and loathing and probably become suicidal. So I’m trying my absolute best to not give in but I’m only human and this isn’t something I can always fight. Those of you who have been following me from the early days know this well and clear.
Third, my imagery is the core of my blog. I use it as a tool to make a point because people find it helpful. Most people have no idea how devastatingly difficult it is to have these intense urges. It ruins my ability to focus and I feel like I’m overwhelmed by my thoughts. It feels like a stranglehold. So the imagery gives you, the reader, the ability to feel what it’s like in my head and hopefully wrap your mind around how difficult this symptom of bipolar Mania can be.
Fourth, I’m not here to entertain you. I’m a scientist; I like to journal. I’m documenting my thoughts and behaviors in order to show the world how mind-numbingly different it is to be me. This blog is for myself first and foremost and you guys are just along for the ride. My goal is to one day look back on my life and be proud of how far I’ve come in managing my symptoms.
Fifth, I had a few drinks on meds. Not the only one to do it. It makes me feel normal and I like pretending. I don’t go getting drunk on a frequent basis if at all. And none of my health care professionals from two different hospitals have EVER thought I had a problem with alcohol. Disagree if you want.
Last but not least, I’m doing my Goddamn best. There is nothing you could say or do to guilt me into behaving. I’ll do my best to not fuck my life up. It really hurt me that some of you sound so judgemental. It’s terrifying being vulnerable online!! Worse if I was using my real identity. So I’d appreciate if people could be more sympathetic.
I’ve recently released a few public articles on the topic of hypersexuality and I’ve gotten some nasty comments. Mostly from people I doubt read more than the small snippets description of my post on Facebook.
Listen to me loud and clear: stop it! Stop calling me a fucking slut!! I’m not a terrible wife. I DIDN’T DO THIS ON PURPOSE!!! You have NO FUCKING IDEA how hard it is to be tempted like this. The constant voice in my head telling me to give in. It drives me absolutely out of my mind. I don’t get any peace. If you could hear me screaming at my computer as I type this, you could fathom an iota of how awful I feel. Those of you that get me know it’s like a worm stuck in your brain that you can’t get out. Crawling around hurting inside your skull.
It’s stigma. Plain and simple. Don’t judge me for not being strong enough. My emotions are fueled by my mental illness. My brain malfunction. My disorder. This isn’t something I can control but rather circumvent.
Just shut your Goddamn mouths if you have nothing good to say!! Period. I’m tired of being people’s punching bag. I’m a human being. Think about that for a second before you comment.
I’m not going to censor you. I’d hate that. But I’d hope you could understand the context more. If I didn’t make myself clear in the post about my struggle I’m sorry. I’ll be more honest next time.
This isn’t meant to attack a particular person. This disclaimer is a LONG TIME COMING. I’m not angry with those of you who support me. I’m not angry at anyone in particular. This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Please please don’t kick me when I’m down again. I’m very hurt right now. I’m probably overreacting. I know that. But I have to say something.
And if anyone one of you makes a hurtful comment, I swear to God I’ll take my dirty, rusty chainsaw straight to your fucking skull!
Don’t fucking test me!