Feeding The Fire: Avoiding My Appetence

Ready. Set. Sail!

Yes it’s late. I know. I can’t sleep. Don’t get me wrong. My body is exhausted but my mind is wide awake. Monday we had a 4th of July pool party at my place and I just completely wore myself out! That and I’m still a little drunk. I woke up to the worst hangover I’ve had in a long time.

Anyways…blah blah crap. What’s the deal? Well I’ll tell you. I’ve been struggling again. I said raw and honest so here is the truth: I miss Mark…like…a lot more than usual.

No I don’t miss him as a person.

No I didn’t suddenly develop feelings for him.

I miss the sexual tension.

I miss the passion and the lust and the Fire.

Don’t shake your head at me! Jerk! It comes and goes but today it’s particularly intrusive.

It’s burning hot and bright and I can feel the heat crawling all over my skin; wrapping its hot tentacles around me. Legs. Arms. Waist. Neck. The more I struggle the tighter the grasp. They bind my hands behind my back and slither around my mouth. I can barely breathe. Choking on the smoke, my eyes burning with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I try and scream for help but no one can hear me. So I give in and wait for it to die down.

For some reason, it always hits around the 2.5 month timeframe. That’s when it starts getting bad and the cravings get intense. Don’t worry, I’m being very proactive this time around. I don’t want it again and I’m afraid I might embarrass myself. I already lowered my meds again so I’m coming down. I might hit another Depression but at least it keeps my head on straight. I gotta beat my 12 week record and then some! They say the first 6 months is the hardest.

Six.

Goddamn.

Months.

Jesus!

And I’m a little embarrassed for another reason…I accidentally revealed my alias to an amazing and wonderful close friend. In a drunken stupor, I apparently revealed my blog and all my dirty secrets to her! By her request she will from here on out be known as Furiosa. Among other things, Furiosa really wants to be supportive and help me out. I know I can trust her with this so I’m not worried. It’s just a vulnerable feeling letting someone know the ugly part of you when they’ve seen nothing but good for so long. I hope that this won’t change the dynamics of our friendship.

With that in mind, I guess I kinda snapped at her for trying to block my app that lets me contact Mark. (Furiosa, if you’re reading this, I redownloaded the app again but I haven’t done anything. I’ll probably get rid of it in the next couple days. Thank you for helping me though. Oh and sorry if my grammar sucks. This is my blog so deal :-P!)

So now I need to sit back and remember the feeling…that awful feeling…right after I get done with meeting up with Mark. That dirty, evil darkness that consumes me and takes my heart and lets it wither and die. The, “Fuck! Not again. I fell for it again. I’m a terrible wife. I cheated for the nth time and now I feel sick. I feel nauseous. I wanna crawl in a hole and die!”

That feeling. Ugh. Someone please put a bullet to my head and get it over with.

I swear to God I’ll really regret it this time if I go crawling on my hands and knees and beg him to take me back. That’s pathetic. And if he says “Fuck off” then it’ll be a brutal blow to my self-esteem. Lose-lose situation.

So I’ll keep that in mind. All I can do is keep going.

What does the little blue fishy say? Oh yeah!

“Just keep swimming.”

 


10 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: Avoiding My Appetence

  1. I feel for you. I’ve been going through the same “withdrawals” if you will, though sadly my withdrawals are not centered around one individual but any random fling. I don’t know how to stop the cravings. If I give in to them then I know I’ll feel horrible afterwards and I’ve been skirting on the brink of a severe depressive cycle and honestly don’t think I could handle dealing with that right now. But the cravings are still there and they hurt….seriously physically hurt. I want so badly to be a good husband and to not yearn for that deadly drink of infidelity. Even though things have calmed down at home since my last misdeed I know my wife hasn’t forgotten but I can’t expect her to keep forgiving me if I keep repeating the same mistakes. I’m trying to keep one foot in front of the other and, as you said, “keep swimming”, but honestly I don’t trust myself. I just know that I’m going to fuck up again. I’ve got to get my meds straight – to stop this rapid cycling because that combined with my cravings could make for a deadly combination. And once the monster takes hold of me there’s no turning back….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Don you are so right about the physical pain that goes with the sexual cravings. For me it’s extreme migraines and high blood pressure. And it’s all I think about all day long. But I’m working with my therapist to find the core reason why I sexually act out. Hopefully I can learn how to circumvent this issue.

      But it’s hard. I want to be a faithful spouse too but the forbidden fruit is just so fucking sweet! Christina! That’s all I want right now.

      I’ll be careful not to trigger you though. I’m glad things are going slightly better. I know things were tough a couple weeks ago.

      Like

  2. I was shaking my head and I’m not a jerk.!
    Jess we know about your filthy cravings!
    In all seriousness, it would really hurt me to know you had taken a retrograde step like this, a step back, you’re best off on your own and focus on your recovery . You’re doing. Well.
    That said telling your friend was a really really bad idea. Should you be drinking whilst on prescribed meds. Silly girl!
    In all seriousness, pls don’t make contact,
    Just stay you…

    Like

    1. First off, I trust my friend. We’re very close and have known each other for years. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. So yeah, I trust her.

      Second, I am well aware of the consequences of my actions. I make light but in all seriousness, it would hurt like fuck to have to explain once again to my husband that I couldn’t control myself. I’d go into self-pity and loathing and probably become suicidal. So I’m trying my absolute best to not give in but I’m only human and this isn’t something I can always fight.

      Third, my imagery is the core of my blog. I use it as a tool to make a point because people find it helpful. Most people have no idea how devastatingly difficult it is to have these intense urges. It ruins my ability to focus and I feel like I’m overwhelmed by my thoughts. It feels like a stranglehold.

      Fourth, I’m not here to entertain. I’m documenting my thoughts and behaviors in order to show the world how mind-numbingly different it is to be me. This blog is for myself first and foremost and you guys are just along for the ride.

      Fifth, I had a few drinks on meds. Not the only one to do it. It makes me feel normal and I like pretending. I don’t go getting drunk on a frequent basis if at all.

      Last but not least, I’m doing my best. There is nothing you could say or do to guilt me into behaving. I’ll do my best to not fuck my life up. It really hurt me that you sounded so judgemental in this comment. It’s terrifying being vulnerable online. Worse if I was using my real identity. So I’d appreciate if you could be more sympathetic. I’m not going to censor you. I’d hate that. But I’d hope you could understand the context more. If I didn’t make myself clear in the post about my struggle I’m sorry. I’ll be more honest next time.

      Please please don’t kick me when I’m down again. I’m very hurt right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I admire you SO MUCH for writing for YOU and not trying to entertain or pretend to be “GOOD” – keep it up, girl. Your authentic self knows what to do……yeah, I’m a hippie. (My girls asked me if I was a hippie last night – they think it’s “weird” – whatever!!!)

    I’m a hippie who loves you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That desperate need for touch and contact and heat and craving, and all the horrible feelings afterwards, I understand it all more than you know. And I just want you to know, there is nothing, nothing filthy about you or having these desires. These are symptoms of bipolar. Not a personal reflection of you and your character. I know its easy to say and I know that sinking, filthy feeling once it’s done, and you feel sub-human and the guilt and shame drowns. When you are so immersed in ‘feelings’ its difficult to be ‘technical’ about the behaviour. But at the end of the day, it is and always will be a symptom of bipolar, just as someone who walks with a limp after a leg operation. Sending you lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is why I love your comments. You say exactly what I meant to say only with a lot more eloquence. I wanna take this comment and frame it because all of what you said is so 100% true. I feel like you and I exist on the exact same wavelength.

      The subhuman feeling is something I’m trying so hard to remember. It’s the thing that keeps me focused. Because I know once I lose sight of that again then I fall into the temptation and ruin all the work that I’ve done the past several weeks. I’ll try and stay on top of it.

      Liked by 1 person

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