Ready. Set. Sail!
Yes it’s late. I know. I can’t sleep. Don’t get me wrong. My body is exhausted but my mind is wide awake. Monday we had a 4th of July pool party at my place and I just completely wore myself out! That and I’m still a little drunk. I woke up to the worst hangover I’ve had in a long time.
Anyways…blah blah crap. What’s the deal? Well I’ll tell you. I’ve been struggling again. I said raw and honest so here is the truth: I miss Mark…like…a lot more than usual.
No I don’t miss him as a person.
No I didn’t suddenly develop feelings for him.
I miss the sexual tension.
I miss the passion and the lust and the Fire.
Don’t shake your head at me! Jerk! It comes and goes but today it’s particularly intrusive.
It’s burning hot and bright and I can feel the heat crawling all over my skin; wrapping its hot tentacles around me. Legs. Arms. Waist. Neck. The more I struggle the tighter the grasp. They bind my hands behind my back and slither around my mouth. I can barely breathe. Choking on the smoke, my eyes burning with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I try and scream for help but no one can hear me. So I give in and wait for it to die down.
For some reason, it always hits around the 2.5 month timeframe. That’s when it starts getting bad and the cravings get intense. Don’t worry, I’m being very proactive this time around. I don’t want it again and I’m afraid I might embarrass myself. I already lowered my meds again so I’m coming down. I might hit another Depression but at least it keeps my head on straight. I gotta beat my 12 week record and then some! They say the first 6 months is the hardest.
And I’m a little embarrassed for another reason…I accidentally revealed my alias to an amazing and wonderful close friend. In a drunken stupor, I apparently revealed my blog and all my dirty secrets to her! By her request she will from here on out be known as Furiosa. Among other things, Furiosa really wants to be supportive and help me out. I know I can trust her with this so I’m not worried. It’s just a vulnerable feeling letting someone know the ugly part of you when they’ve seen nothing but good for so long. I hope that this won’t change the dynamics of our friendship.
With that in mind, I guess I kinda snapped at her for trying to block my app that lets me contact Mark. (Furiosa, if you’re reading this, I redownloaded the app again but I haven’t done anything. I’ll probably get rid of it in the next couple days. Thank you for helping me though. Oh and sorry if my grammar sucks. This is my blog so deal :-P!)
So now I need to sit back and remember the feeling…that awful feeling…right after I get done with meeting up with Mark. That dirty, evil darkness that consumes me and takes my heart and lets it wither and die. The, “Fuck! Not again. I fell for it again. I’m a terrible wife. I cheated for the nth time and now I feel sick. I feel nauseous. I wanna crawl in a hole and die!”
That feeling. Ugh. Someone please put a bullet to my head and get it over with.
I swear to God I’ll really regret it this time if I go crawling on my hands and knees and beg him to take me back. That’s pathetic. And if he says “Fuck off” then it’ll be a brutal blow to my self-esteem. Lose-lose situation.
So I’ll keep that in mind. All I can do is keep going.
What does the little blue fishy say? Oh yeah!
“Just keep swimming.”