My Body Changes

I took my pills. I took them reluctantly. I took them in spite. But I took them. And I’ll go ahead and try to keep taking them. I don’t want to but what you guys said is right. Those of you who commented or messaged/emailed me trying to talk some sense into me helped me put them in my mouth. I’m not going to delete this post since my feelings are still true but I just wanted to let people know who read this that I AM taking my pills as prescribed as of now.

Thanks to everyone who reached out and told me to get my shit together! Thanks. I really don’t want anyone to worry about me but I know you guys care and I’m obviously not worthy of any of that love.

I’m just scared. I’m just starting to lose weight after a lot of new dietary restrictions and high intensity cardio. I feel better about myself. My curves are starting to show more. I feel good looking at myself in the mirror now. Much more self-confident and happy. I know looks shouldn’t mean anything but I really have to look a certain way to be happy. And I don’t want to lose that. My husband says he loves me no matter what and WILL love me no matter what. But that’s not enough for me. I have to love myself AND I have to have other people praise me.

I’ve been talking to my therapist a lot about my need for male validation. I never had a good relationship with my dad. He was always so judgemental, distant, and cold. He would belittle me in front of my younger brothers. He even told me he wished he never had a daughter. I guess that’s why I like it when men pay me compliments. It feels like I’m doing something right. [No I’m not talking about catcalling!! Men yelling obscene things at you on the street is nothing but scary and I hate that!]

I’ll talk more about this later but I really had a very tough childhood and my mom ALWAYS ALWAYS called me fat even though I was a rail. The times I was doing strength training and highly involved in martial arts in high school was the only time she said she was proud of me because I looked beautiful. Well having a six-pack at age 16 should’ve been OK in her book for fuck’s sake!

My self-worth revolved around being pretty. So that’s why body image is so important to me.

Being attractive is also a huge part of me. That’s why I ADORE my Mania!! I get so self-confident and flirtatious. It’s fun messing with some poor guy’s head even just to tease. It gives me a rush unlike anything else. And I’m secretly hoping these pills just shoot me into Mania!! I haven’t had it in almost 4 months and God I need it again!!! So that was another reason I didn’t want to take the pills: I’m afraid they’ll actually work this time.

I don’t talk a lot about the way I look just because I feel like those of you who know what I look like will think I’m crazy. But that doesn’t stop the constant self-criticism. I know that I’m reaching the end of my 20s and my metabolism is going to change A LOT. On top of fat pills, it’s going to be rough on my fragile psyche. I just hope you guys will be here for me when all this goes to shit.

Maybe one day I’ll get over it but for now I guess I can just learn to live with my body as it gets older. I wish I had taken better care of myself a few years ago when I was at my top fitness peak. Oh well. I guess I’ll take what may come.


24 thoughts on “My Body Changes

  1. I get why you love your mania. I’ve been struggling with eating disorders since long before I was diagnosed with BPII. One of the earliest signs of my mania is lack of appetite, followed by super-human energy that lets me work out for hours at a time. Why wouldn’t someone like me sign up for that? But I’m 50 now and I’ve finally realized that I can’t afford that behavior anymore. Every “up” is followed by a devastating depression and weight gain.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you took the pills. And I understand not wanting to take them. Sometimes, at night (when I take the most) I’ll get them out and then just stare at them for 1/2 hour trying to force myself to take them. Keep going sweetie!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thank you for letting us know you took them. I understand about your looks and self worth being found in your good looks. Man you could have been my daughter, because when I was your age I felt the same way. And I loved the mania side too, even though at that time I did not understand about it. Keep your diet and exercise going and you will do great. Also my metabolism didn’t slow down until 50’s, don’t worry about tomorrow! You’ll still be great!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Riding that bipolar roller coaster can be so difficult but you are tackling it as best you can, no one can ask any more. Never forget that you are a wonderful and unique individual! Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m happy for you that you made a healthy decision for your own wellbeing. You and I really do have a lot in common – besides the martial arts…. 8-/ I have a bad self image as well and its been very difficult reconciling anorexia and bipolar med weight gain. The damage from your parents will be a tough one to unravel. But you’re strong and intelligent and I know you will sail through this with the wonderful support of your husband and all of us here cheering you on. My heart goes out to you because I know where you’re coming from ❤ Always here to support you

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The mania can make us feel soo good, that’s apart of the mania, that’s probably why we tend to look for it and crave it. Glad that you’re on meds if you need to be, and glad it seems to be helping for the moment. Unfortunately no one can guess how any meds will affect us until we’ve tried it for a month or more, until then you feel like you’re going blindly on faith from what the dr tells us… Sometimes being on meds is the only thing that can keep a person feel sane and in some control, for those people it can also be a miracle of sorts…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I understand the struggle with medication. I have fought it for 8 years. Here is a link that a lot of people have resonated with about medication: there’s actually two articles on my blog specifically relating to no shame in taking medication and medication side effects/cost/access to care. I understand not wanted to take your meds. The mania is the best. But it’s also just as destructive as depression, if not more. I encourage you to take your meds.

    My blog is: http://www.caitthewarriorprincess.wordpress.com

    https://caitthewarriorprincess.wordpress.com/2016/09/25/breakthrough-symptoms-and-life-long-medication/

    https://caitthewarriorprincess.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/medication-side-effects-and-barriers-to-access/

    Liked by 1 person

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