I took my pills. I took them reluctantly. I took them in spite. But I took them. And I’ll go ahead and try to keep taking them. I don’t want to but what you guys said is right. Those of you who commented or messaged/emailed me trying to talk some sense into me helped me put them in my mouth. I’m not going to delete this post since my feelings are still true but I just wanted to let people know who read this that I AM taking my pills as prescribed as of now.
Thanks to everyone who reached out and told me to get my shit together! Thanks. I really don’t want anyone to worry about me but I know you guys care and I’m obviously not worthy of any of that love.
I’m just scared. I’m just starting to lose weight after a lot of new dietary restrictions and high intensity cardio. I feel better about myself. My curves are starting to show more. I feel good looking at myself in the mirror now. Much more self-confident and happy. I know looks shouldn’t mean anything but I really have to look a certain way to be happy. And I don’t want to lose that. My husband says he loves me no matter what and WILL love me no matter what. But that’s not enough for me. I have to love myself AND I have to have other people praise me.
I’ve been talking to my therapist a lot about my need for male validation. I never had a good relationship with my dad. He was always so judgemental, distant, and cold. He would belittle me in front of my younger brothers. He even told me he wished he never had a daughter. I guess that’s why I like it when men pay me compliments. It feels like I’m doing something right. [No I’m not talking about catcalling!! Men yelling obscene things at you on the street is nothing but scary and I hate that!]
I’ll talk more about this later but I really had a very tough childhood and my mom ALWAYS ALWAYS called me fat even though I was a rail. The times I was doing strength training and highly involved in martial arts in high school was the only time she said she was proud of me because I looked beautiful. Well having a six-pack at age 16 should’ve been OK in her book for fuck’s sake!
My self-worth revolved around being pretty. So that’s why body image is so important to me.
Being attractive is also a huge part of me. That’s why I ADORE my Mania!! I get so self-confident and flirtatious. It’s fun messing with some poor guy’s head even just to tease. It gives me a rush unlike anything else. And I’m secretly hoping these pills just shoot me into Mania!! I haven’t had it in almost 4 months and God I need it again!!! So that was another reason I didn’t want to take the pills: I’m afraid they’ll actually work this time.
I don’t talk a lot about the way I look just because I feel like those of you who know what I look like will think I’m crazy. But that doesn’t stop the constant self-criticism. I know that I’m reaching the end of my 20s and my metabolism is going to change A LOT. On top of fat pills, it’s going to be rough on my fragile psyche. I just hope you guys will be here for me when all this goes to shit.
Maybe one day I’ll get over it but for now I guess I can just learn to live with my body as it gets older. I wish I had taken better care of myself a few years ago when I was at my top fitness peak. Oh well. I guess I’ll take what may come.