Cancer Sucks. Bipolar Sucks. Life Sucks.

Ready. Set. Sail!

Hi. I think I’m starting to get depressed. I’m stuck inside my apartment with all the windows shut and blinds closed while lying in bed. I think my last burst of mania finally ran out and now I’m coming down. It sucks because my husband is out of town on a business trip this week and I’m here by myself.

So an update on him, for those of you who don’t know my husband has cancer. He found a lump next to his left testicle a few weeks ago that wouldn’t go away so he decided to check it out. Turns out after having an ultrasound, CT scan, X-ray scan, several blood work, etc. they declared it to be cancer and he now officially has to have his left testicle removed completely BEFORE they do the biopsy to see if it has spread. Apparently, there is a risk for it spreading if they do it the other way around. So he has his surgery scheduled for right when he gets back from his trip. With that, he will need to take 1-4 weeks off of work to recover.

That is going to be really impossible since we are in a tight pinch already with me not having a job that him taking unpaid time off work will really hurt us. Like, a lot. So I don’t know what to do. Money is tight and we don’t even know how much the surgery is going to cost. Ughhhhh….medical bills…can someone just put a bullet in me right now?

Things are looking down.

Sorry it’s all bad news but this is the kinda stuff that makes my anxiety go up. I really want to just crawl in a hole and avoid all the things that make me sad but I feel like I can’t.

Why does life have to be so cruel? What am I doing wrong, huh? It’s not fair! I’m honestly trying to get a job and pay the bills so my husband can rest from his surgery! The fuck are we supposed to do?!? Make him work post-surgery?!?!?

Hey Life, I’ve done everything you asked me to do! I went to college. Got a good degree. Got a job. Got married to a wonderful man….why do you keep kicking me in the nuts every time things are going well (no pun intended for my poor husband’s gonads)?!?!?

This whole fucking thing is bullshit. I’m honestly scared about the future.

Cancer sucks. Bipolar sucks. Life sucks.

16 thoughts on “Cancer Sucks. Bipolar Sucks. Life Sucks.

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis and I hope it all goes as well as it possibly can. It never rains but it pours, doesn’t it? For me, I swear it’s like the universe sees me trying to take a step forward and then flash goes the lightning bolt! Rolling with the punches isn’t easy when you feel like you’re in an endless MMA fight with a professional beating the crap out of you.

    I don’t know if you have something similar where you live but here in California we have short-term disability (SDI) that we can pay into. I get it deducted automatically from my paycheck, although not all employers automatically enroll you (in which case you can enroll in it yourself). If your state has that, see if your husband’s employer provides that. I had to take a month off because of my migraines and at least for part of that time I got part of my paycheck when I ran out of vacation and sick time. And his employer may have other options available. Or the state may have other disability options. Or heck, even federal disability. There is usually paperwork involved and sometimes lots of it but often the employer and doctors are the ones who have to fill out most of it. You just have to get the ball rolling.

    Good luck to both of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Lori. For some reason I didn’t get a notification for this comment. I forgot about SDI. We do have that in CA so I’ll look into that for my husband. It’s just hard because we need him at his full income or at least me with some kind of income. I’ve exhausted all of my UI (unemployment insurance) so I need something in the meantime.

      I’m just feeling hopeless and it’s hard to think straight when all I feel is beat down.

      Thank you for your support.


      1. I just heard back from a friend of mine who is a SW for a major hospital monopoly. She informed me that all hospitals do not have the ability to help with such situations. However, if the hospital is not able to provide such services they will have community resources that can help with living expense for one month if qualifying (must be under the required annual salary requirement). I hope this will be of some benefit to you. She also informed me that the majority of the general public are unaware of these resources from hospital and community but it’s there.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I just saw this post. I am so sorry about your husband’s diagnosis and sorry you have to worry about all of this at one time. Sweetheart don’t let it overwhelm you take one day at a time. You have been given good advice here. Also when dealing with cancer sometimes if you call your creditors and discuss your situation they will give extra time to pay them. I know you must be hurting so bad right now, I wish I could be there for you and give you a hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve gotten a lot of really good advice from people but it does feel like a heavy weight. I know we will work things out and everything will be OK in the end. It’s just a good deal of stress in the middle of our other marital issues.

      I’d want nothing more than a hug from you. You can move in with me and get away from your family if you want? Hugs! XOXO.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m SO f*cking sorry I didn’t see this post until now. I don’t know why the hell I missed it….and today when I read your latest post I went “huh?” and felt so bad for being clueless about your husband. please forgive me, sweet Jess!!!!!!!!!! I’m glad things are WAY WAY WAY better now!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s so awesome he’s doing better! But it’s weird because I was still following my precious blogs, so I don’t know what happened – please forgive me! 😱

        Liked by 1 person

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