I Have A Confession…

Ready. Set. Sail!

Hey there everyone. I’m coming to you live from my cat dander filled bed to bring you some good news and some not so good news.

Remember I said that I was going through some stuff but wasn’t prepared to tell all? Well now that I’m in more of a stable mindset, I’m ready to talk. And it’s some juicy gossip. So pull up a chair and a nice glass of wine and get comfortable. OK. Here goes:

I talked to the Snake again….(boo! No Jess! Why?!? Are you insane!??! Seriously, AGAIN?!?)

Yeah…yeah…yeah…I know. I know! 5 months of no contact shattered in one night because I was out drinking with my girls Nancy and Furiosa and decided it made sense. Ughhhh…I’m really fucking hopeless. Here is what happened.

So I decided, in my drunken manic stupor, that a quick, “Hey how are you doing. Saw someone who reminded me of you the other day and just wanted to know how things are going?” was a good idea…

…Ha! Fuck me! Fuck me in the ass….he wasn’t pleased. He ignored me for a full day then sent me this:

S: “Ughh…you left on some pretty harsh terms talking all this shit about me.”

JM: “Yeah well I just wanted to see how things were going and if you’re doing OK.”

S: “I’m doing fine.”

JM: “Oh good. That’s good.”

S: “What do you want from me?”

JM: “I just wanted to see how you were.”

S: “What are you doing right now?”

JM: “Watching TV with my husband.”

S: “So not busy then? You’re free?”

JM: “No that’s not what I said.”

S: “I wanna taste you and have you suck my cock.”

JM: “Hey Mark. Not now. I know you’re still angry. Talk to me.”

S: “I don’t wanna talk. I wanna taste you. I could use the release.”

JM: “Mark. I’m not meeting up with you until you talk to me. I know you’re angry.”

What followed later that night was an extremely emotionally charged conversation over Skype about how Mark was upset that I pushed him away and got rid of him. I told him I was sorry and that I didn’t mean any of what I said. With anger in his voice, he said that he has zero emotion and zero remorse left for me. I asked him if that meant he had feelings for me beforehand. He said he didn’t want to talk about it.

A couple days later, I send him a heartfelt apology for what I said and that I didn’t mean to hurt him. He says basically he doesn’t care about me anymore and that he actually has a girl now.

JM: “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I’m not going to meet up with you if you have someone. Your girl can go suck your cock.”

S: “Yup she can. And she can deep throat.”

JM: “Go FUCK yourself!”

S: “Nah. Don’t want to.”

Ewwww….I was so enraged by that response I felt like choking the life out of him. I still do. Grab him by the throat and strangle every last breath out of his body. We basically stopped talking and haven’t spoken since Wednesday. I don’t want to have anything to do with him and he doesn’t either. Looks like my plan to piss him off worked a little too well.

So there are a few things me and my bestie Nancy have gathered from this incident:

  1. He had feelings for me (probably pretty strong ones).
  2. He got over me these past few months but is angry that I’m back in his life right after he got over me.
  3. I (unfortunately) have feelings for him

The worst part is #3. Oh my God I can’t believe it!!! This asshole takes over my fucking brain. This half-witted douchebag mouthbreather is still rolling around in my head.

Believe me tribe when I tell you that I DID NOT plan on getting attached to this asswipe. Not ever. Not in the slightest. I was manic and feeding my mania last year and got caught up in some bad decisions. I fought back against the mania to get back to my marriage. Even though I failed several times, I was still able to go back to try and fix my marriage.

The thought of me actually caring for this guy is so upsetting. I hate to say it but when he told me he had a girl…I fucking teared up. For the past week, I’ve been going in and out of crying for this guy. Part of me wishes I had never talked to him. Part of me wishes I could just see him one more time. Now that the mania is dead, I’m back to carrying on with my life.

This is a very vulnerable side of me I’m showing right now and I’m scared you guys are going to judge me for it. Look, I know it’s stupid that I cry for him. I know that. I can’t help it.

Honestly, the best thing for me to do is move on. Put him in my past. Cause there is no future for us. He basically told me that we could’ve kept the affair going the whole time and I had no reason to get rid of him. Part of me is desperately dying for it again. The thrill and the craving. The passion and the lust. But I need to make a choice. And that choice is to stay with my husband.

So good news is…it’s officially (FINALLY) over…bad news is…Jess is slightly “heartbroken.” Live and learn, huh?

So here lies the last post about Mark “The Snake.” He was a Class A Douchebag Womanizer Player Who Tried To Steal My Heart And Left Me Feeling Heartbroken. Rest In Pieces and sit and stew in my hatred you MEAN FUCK! I hope I never hear from you again.

 


28 thoughts on “I Have A Confession…

  1. Thanks to my mood stabilizer I no longer suffer from mania (rarely maybe, but not enough to cause me problems) plus I am well past menopause and it has made a difference in my feelings on sex. Good thing since I broke up with my friend with benefits over a year ago now. I am too old to be scrambling manically for sex. I am 60 today, ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Jess. I still have a problem with the depression and can’t find an anti-depressant that works in combo with my mood stabilizer. At least my mania is under control pretty much.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Why do the bad boys always hurt us so much? They are always more trouble than they are worth. I know you can get over him, and learn there are exciting guys that don’t twist your emotions in two. I say good ridance to the guy, but I’m sorry he has hurt you sweetie!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I could never judge you for this – now, if you killed a sweet, ‘lil bunny 🐰 for pleasure, that’s another thing, but when it comes to the Snake 😈🐍
    am I gonna judge you…???

    HELL to the NO! 👀

    Both Morgueticiaatoms and Leslie gave you particularly great advice, but everyone here wrote helpful comments and we all obviously adore you — we want you to let go of this nasty shit sooner rather than later – I know, I know, it’s easy for me to write that, but take it in.

    Go easy on yourself. I’m proud of you for telling us what happened – that takes guts! God knows I’ve given my heart to guys who were complete ASSWIPES and treated me like their private bidet (bidets? 💩) – all I have to say about that is FUCK ‘EM!

    Life is too short to rake ourselves over the coals. Please be gentle with yourself about this, you’ve suffered enough already….

    You’re beautiful and brilliant. You are not the villain here.
    💗 you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know you’d never judge me Lady Dy! That’s what always makes me feel better when I write these posts is that you will be there with tasty high caffeine coffee to melt the pain away. It’s the absolute worst when guys are assholes and treat you like shit. I AM beautiful AND brilliant. I don’t need to waste my time on this jerk. Lots of hugs and I’m so glad you are back on the World Wide Web. LOLz. Remember when they used to call it that?!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. No one should judge you for contacting him or even having feelings. It happens to everyone. My daughter’s father is one of those “OMG why do I keep falling for this crap!” type people too. I recently had to contact him about child support and it was all very civil but once the business was out of the way, he kept trying to keep the conversation going. And I allllmost fell for it. STILL. After cutting him off for years, I still almost got drawn back in. But I don’t need his drama and you don’t need the Snake’s drama.

    So good for you for opening up about it and owning it. Now you can really move on!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Would never judge you. Afraid my only experience of relationships have ALL been dysfunctional. I know how it feels to have strong, overpowering feelings for someone you KNOW is bad for you, is evil, who has his own agenda. He sounds like the type I would get broken hearted about. Don’t let him fool you that he actually cared/had feelings for you. It’s purely his ego talking. He thinks he’s hot shit and you rejected him and that was a blow to his ego. THAT’S IT. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about his ego. If he cared, he’d respect you, wouldn’t talk nasty to you, treat you with empathy, talk in a reasonable manner without losing his temper, saying things that he knows would hurt you and talking about blowjobs his new girlfriend is doing sooooo much better than you ever did. In other words…. he’d be kind to you. If he genuinely cared.

    Speaking from previous posts I had this thought…. By contacting him you were fulfilling your own need for contact, which is understandable because he’s occupied a large part of your mind for the past 5 months. Although he’s not physically been in your world he has taken up a lot of space in your mind. And with your uncertainty regarding your marriage, could you possibly have been self sabotaging your marriage? Perhaps how desperately you’re wanting him, is to counteract the neglect you may be feeling in your marriage. I don’t know, because I don’t know you well, as in real-life, its just a thought I had.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ever since you wrote this comment, I’ve done nothing but cry and lie in my own depression. I can’t accept the fact that he didn’t care even the slightest. That hurts too much to admit. So reading your words about how he never cared and if he did he would’ve been kind is breaking me. I consider myself to be much too intelligent and independent of a woman to ever want to fall victim to a trap like him. So I don’t want to admit that I made a mistake. Thank you for being honest though. Really. I need you for that reason my dear. If no one else will tell me the truth, at least I know you will. Maybe one day it to sink in but not today. Not yet.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Jess! I’m horrified I’ve upset you! I am so, so sorry. I was relating hard, hurtful lessons I’ve recently learned. And he sounded exactly like the type of men I was encountering. I know how it feels to have your world tear in half. To be consumed by someone. But then to see the value you have put on the relationship is not equal to theirs. Its destroying. And now I’ve gone and made you cry. I’m so sorry. You never made a mistake! You had a life experience. Granted a BAD life experience. I understand your depression and tears. I swear to god I still cry to this day because of them. And you know what?….he probably DID care for you when you were actively involved and in the present. But you where the strong, independent woman that cut ties AND maintained that for 5 months!! You are the one with the power. YOU left HIM. When you contacted him, possibly he was acting out? Because you were the one in control of contact. Maybe he rejected you out of pure spite. There are so many angles and dimensions between interactions. Don’t make decisions based on others'(mine…. sorry) interpretations. Always go with your gut. And if your instincts aren’t talking to you, before you do anything, wait for them. They are your greatest ally. Dear Jess, I am so sorry to have made things turbulent for you. I always have your best interest at heart because I can relate to you. Please don’t break… I’m sending you peace to calm the storm ((hugs)) ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, Pieces. It’s OK. I’m not mad or anything. It’s just hard hearing all of this information and I’m processing what happened and what people close to me are telling me. I know I have the power and it does take me a while to get back up and push him away again. But I’ve done it before and I can do it again. And I will. Thank you for sticking by my side and helping me through all this. I really appreciate your friendship and support. And I like that phrase you mentioned: “Always go with your gut. And if your instincts aren’t talk to you, before you do anything, wait for them.” It’s something I’m going to carry with me from now on. Thanks again. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh Jess, I’m so sorry. But I’m relieved I could give you something practical. That going with the gut is something I’ve recently learned. You know when you punch out a text message in anger or desperation, I’ve started to hear that voice that says ‘no, don’t do this, its not a good idea’. I never heard that voice until recently. And I swear, its saved me a million times. Take care Jess. I know its painfully hard. When I experience failed relationships or connections I am completely destroyed. Plummet into a depression. That’s why I relate to you. You are strong. We carrying our big, bleeding emotions around but still manage to live and engage with the world. You are strong and although you don’t feel it right now, you will not go down with this sinking ship xx ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. My goodness I can relate to so much of what you have written. My mania has led to messing up my life and broken other families who have taken advantage of my mania. For those that disagree with that, at times I have been lucid enough during high mania to ask for help. When the helper takes advantage of your vulnerability, well that’s happened twice to me. Others have been pure spontaneous mania.

    I have to really truly thank you though Jess. For years I have beaten myself up because often mania is a jump the first person you see, or that was my perception. Truth is its not talked about enough. Your experience with mania and the craving within growing into this insatiable monster that consumes every waking thought, and it happening over time, weeks, a couple of months for me, it was scary reading your story. I was looking in a mirror. And the whole baby steps, and your mind, dag nabbit its all the time saying I’m in control, we can control the situation, its OK……

    Thank you for your candor. It has brought me a bit of relief. Others, those without bipolar, see mania like this as deliberate. I do not agree. Mania makes your moral compass obsolete. Its still there, but totally and utterly useless given the noise and insatiable physical and mental cravings the body has.

    I’ve lost two marriages now, and in mid 40’s. Both marriages, during the marriages, never physical affairs. Emotional, I am unsure. What is a friend, the boundaries. What I do know is I will not impose my bipolar on another wife.

    I wish you every happiness in the world. I’m really glad I came upon your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Blitter. I’m so happy you were able to find my blog and that you were able to relate to my story. There are so many people out there like you and I. Mania is such a destructive part of bipolar and needs to be talked about more than it is right now. Hopefully I can keep helping people with my blog. I wish you every luck my friend and I hope things work out for you.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s