Ready. Set. Sail!
So I’m here to say a few words. In truth, things have been a little rocky for me. I’ve been quiet these past few weeks…out of embarrassment really. I don’t know why I can’t just be open and honest with myself on my blog. It makes me nervous being so open. I guess it can’t be helped.
I’ve been getting a lot of emails and comments lately regarding some couples and their experiences with hypersexuality. I get both the bipolar spouse and the normal spouse in my emails. And it’s hard because I can feel the pain and anger and confusion in their messages. They are hurt and scared and exhausted. Mania has taken over the spouse and made them do things they would never do sober. They ask me for help. What do I do? Should I forgive them? What about an open marriage?
I’m always taken aback when I’m asked for advice. Just because I’m putting myself out there doesn’t mean that I have all the answers…or any for that matter. I’m just as lost and scared as any of you. The point is that we are all in this together. There is comradery and bonding in knowing you are suffering from a common symptom of bipolar. That you have an explanation for your actions. That even though it’s not an excuse, it shows the severity of the illness. It looks deliberate but it’s more of a coercion. Like your body is doing things without the mind’s permission.
Even though my new medication has been helping to keep me stable, I feel like I may be climbing back up. Which sucks because guess who contacted me a couple weeks ago? Yup. You guessed it. Mark. And this time he is determined to get back with me. He has been practically begging me to meet up. And I’m not going to lie…I missed the attention. I like him begging for me. It gives me that rush I crave. And I feel like I’m hooked again.
There is a certain amount of danger that makes Mark so irresistible. He has the ability to make me want things I didn’t think I’d enjoy. There is so much passion and excitement.
And no, I’m not the first person to say all of that. Been reading some books on affairs and how they affect a marriage. People always say the same thing about their affair partner. That they don’t even compare to their spouse. But those books don’t give the one crucial thing to help you…how do you get over an affair parter? That’s the million dollar question. No one apparently has an answer. Fucking awesome!
For me personally, I feel like I’m trapped back again in the Forbidden Forest. It’s dark and completely silent except for the cold wind whispering through the trees. I see a light glowing in the corner. It’s a small fire. I know I shouldn’t fan the flames but I can’t seem to help it. The more the flames grow, the warmer I get, and the harder it is to put out the fire. If I’m not careful, it’ll consume the whole forest again like it did the last few times.
And it doesn’t work asking for help because I get the same answers over and over again. Did you try couple’s therapy? Did you try SA? Are you seeing a therapist? Is your husband seeing a therapist? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES YES!!!
I’ve seriously tried everything. And quite honestly I’m exhausted OK. I’m over it. I get physical headaches fighting this addiction. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around any kind of solution other than a terrible, vicious divorce. I know that if I let my guard down for even a second my whole marriage will go up in flames. Yet, I don’t think I have anymore fight left in me.
I don’t know guys. I might be out of juice. This may be the last straw for my husband and I. I don’t know. He caught me chatting with Mark and yelled at me and told me we need to try couple’s therapy again. I’ll do it. Might as well try again. Let’s see how long I can go this time without talking to Mark.
All I want is to love my husband and be there for him. My husband is my best friend but not my everything apparently. How do I make him my everything? He doesn’t spark anything in me anymore. There is no more passion. Everything has gone stale. How do I salvage what’s left of this marriage?
I’m so unhappy.
I’d die for you, I’d lie for you
I’d steal for you, I’d cry for you
I ride for you
I’ll lie all night underneath the sky with you
And I know that the times right
But I want it all night
You are so damn right
I just wanna hold tight
Fucking every all night
We’ll be fucking all night
I just wanna love you
I just wanna feel right
I just wanna touch you
I just wanna squeeze you
I just wanna feel you
I just wanna please you
I just wanna love you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna love, love, love you all night
You can buy everything
But you can’t, you can’t buy love