Feeding The Fire: Up In Flames

Ready. Set. Sail!

So I’m here to say a few words. In truth, things have been a little rocky for me. I’ve been quiet these past few weeks…out of embarrassment really. I don’t know why I can’t just be open and honest with myself on my blog. It makes me nervous being so open. I guess it can’t be helped.

I’ve been getting a lot of emails and comments lately regarding some couples and their experiences with hypersexuality. I get both the bipolar spouse and the normal spouse in my emails. And it’s hard because I can feel the pain and anger and confusion in their messages. They are hurt and scared and exhausted. Mania has taken over the spouse and made them do things they would never do sober.  They ask me for help. What do I do? Should I forgive them? What about an open marriage?

I’m always taken aback when I’m asked for advice. Just because I’m putting myself out there doesn’t mean that I have all the answers…or any for that matter. I’m just as lost and scared as any of you. The point is that we are all in this together. There is comradery and bonding in knowing you are suffering from a common symptom of bipolar. That you have an explanation for your actions. That even though it’s not an excuse, it shows the severity of the illness. It looks deliberate but it’s more of a coercion. Like your body is doing things without the mind’s permission.

Even though my new medication has been helping to keep me stable, I feel like I may be climbing back up. Which sucks because guess who contacted me a couple weeks ago? Yup. You guessed it. Mark. And this time he is determined to get back with me. He has been practically begging me to meet up. And I’m not going to lie…I missed the attention. I like him begging for me. It gives me that rush I crave. And I feel like I’m hooked again.

There is a certain amount of danger that makes Mark so irresistible. He has the ability to make me want things I didn’t think I’d enjoy. There is so much passion and excitement.

And no, I’m not the first person to say all of that. Been reading some books on affairs and how they affect a marriage. People always say the same thing about their affair partner. That they don’t even compare to their spouse. But those books don’t give the one crucial thing to help you…how do you get over an affair parter? That’s the million dollar question. No one apparently has an answer. Fucking awesome!

For me personally, I feel like I’m trapped back again in the Forbidden Forest. It’s dark and completely silent except for the cold wind whispering through the trees. I see a light glowing in the corner. It’s a small fire. I know I shouldn’t fan the flames but I can’t seem to help it. The more the flames grow, the warmer I get, and the harder it is to put out the fire. If I’m not careful, it’ll consume the whole forest again like it did the last few times.

And it doesn’t work asking for help because I get the same answers over and over again. Did you try couple’s therapy? Did you try SA? Are you seeing a therapist? Is your husband seeing a therapist? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES  YES!!!

I’ve seriously tried everything. And quite honestly I’m exhausted OK. I’m over it. I get physical headaches fighting this addiction. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around any kind of solution other than a terrible, vicious divorce. I know that if I let my guard down for even a second my whole marriage will go up in flames. Yet, I don’t think I have anymore fight left in me.

I don’t know guys. I might be out of juice. This may be the last straw for my husband and I. I don’t know. He caught me chatting with Mark and yelled at me and told me we need to try couple’s therapy again. I’ll do it. Might as well try again. Let’s see how long I can go this time without talking to Mark.

All I want is to love my husband and be there for him. My husband is my best friend but not my everything apparently. How do I make him my everything? He doesn’t spark anything in me anymore. There is no more passion. Everything has gone stale. How do I salvage what’s left of this marriage?

I’m so unhappy.

I’d die for you, I’d lie for you
I’d steal for you, I’d cry for you
I ride for you
I’ll lie all night underneath the sky with you
And I know that the times right
But I want it all night
You are so damn right
I just wanna hold tight
Fucking every all night
We’ll be fucking all night
I just wanna love you
I just wanna feel right
I just wanna touch you
I just wanna squeeze you
I just wanna feel you
I just wanna please you
I just wanna love you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna love, love, love you all night

You can buy everything
But you can’t, you can’t buy love

 

 


21 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: Up In Flames

  1. Everyone is just whirling around in life trying not to bump into things and failing at it. But then we keep trying. And we share our experiences with others so we don’t feel like we’re the only ones whirling around and bumping into things and because we might be able to gain some insight into how to avoid bumping into some of the things that others have bumped into. None of us are experts, but we all have expertise because we’ve all had experiences.

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  2. Hi there. I’m curious about the approach your individual therapist uses? I recently have developed more faith in therapeutic techniques related to attachment issues, trauma, etc. By no means am I “fixed,” but my therapist is wonderful and has helped me to frame some things differently, including infidelity.

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  3. Oh Jess, I’m so sorry. I have no sage advice to offer (which is a good thing, because it would suck!) but please know you’re in my thoughts and I’m sending you my love and a big hug. I adore you, and I want you to be happy again. Don’t laugh (aww, heck, on second thought you can laugh if you want!) but I’m going to pray to those “Unknown Angels” 😇 today about you & ask them to help you get through this shitty time. Keep writing and be gentle with yourself because you’re a good person and you’ve been through hell and back. 💖 you!

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  4. Omg…I can absolutely relate. Actually, are you me?? LOL. Do you also feel drawn to needing more affection/acceptance during mania? I just recently ended communication with my “Mark” two weeks ago today. I thought it would be the most difficult thing in the world since our hook ups/texts etc went about for a year. I recently spotted a pic of him & his girlfriend who is like super gorgeous, so now when I feel like texting him, I just think about her and it stops me like magic!! There’s just something about him being in a real relationship that made it TOO real, you know? The thing is, marriage is a bond…the things our husbands do for us these guys would NEVER do. They might say all the right things, and seemingly fulfill our needs, but the guy waiting at the end of the day is who we really need. Coming out of mania also helps, I’m sure y’all can relate 😂 Jess, thank you for posting your feelings, thoughts and experiences. Your post with the details of your affair helped me so much, you have no idea! It probably saves my marriage because I was feeling so alone in this addiction. Keep posting lady!!

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  5. Wow… I feel really sorry for your husband. I understand how he could forgive your first episode. And I understand how he could keep forgiving. What I don’t understand is how he could tolerate the repeating cycle and not just make the decision to leave and make a new and happy life for himself. I’m not judging you, but I suppose I am judging him.

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    1. Well don’t. My husband loves me and that’s why he stays. I’m not some kind of toy that is worn and used and can’t be played with anymore so he has to go out and buy a new one. I’m a person. We have shared over 12 years together. That’s not going to go away just like that. So for him to throw me away and “make a new and happy life for himself” isn’t loyalty. Yes I’m not perfect. I know this hurts him. If I could stop it I would. But it’s my brain chemistry that’s not working properly. Once I admit that to myself then I can start looking at title from an objective perspective. It won’t go away but one day I can learn to manage my hypersexuality so it won’t hurt him again. That’s what keeps our marriage going.

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      1. I was married for 20 years to a woman who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had multiple affairs due to her hypersexuality. I can attest that she tried her damnedest to take control of her hypersexuality through counseling and drug treatment. She tried to commit suicide when I left her (only for a time after I found out about her affairs) but I returned to her after she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I chose to remain married because I loved her and I wanted to help her get back on her feet despite the horrific emotional ordeal I was going through because of her betrayals. I really tried very hard to “fake ’til you make it” but my attraction for her died and I could not stand being touched by her (a couple of times when she tried, I dashed to the toilet to puke my brains out). Eventually she realized, like I had before her, that we were nothing more than glorified brother and sister with a marriage license and that there was no turning back to the way we used to be. We finally parted amicably.

        My point is that the so called normal spouse may detach emotionally and sexually from her/his bipolar spouse, not out of punishment nor anger nor hatred but as a coping mechanism to keep her/himself from breaking apart. Infidelity is like an IED which when it explodes, it affect its victims in different ways depending on the person’s psychological constitution. I sincerely hope that your husband is much stronger than I was and that you will do all you can to help him to recover, not just from testicular cancer, but from the ordeal of your betrayals with Mark.

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  6. I totally understand where you are, and what you are going through. People that have never experienced this during a manic episode will never understand just how difficult it is “be good”. It isn’t something you can just turn off. From one fighter to another….. you can do this! Thank you for baring your soul in your post. You are an inspiration to those of us out here that refuse to give in.

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  7. Hi jess, I stumbled across your blog and I really love what you write. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar 1 for two years, still trying to wrap my mind around it. I don’t currently have health care coverage (yay for opening a small business), but was wondering if you knew of any support groups in san diego? (I’m in san diego too). Thank you so much!

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  8. Hi Jess, I stumbled across your blog researching alternative treatments for my bipolar 2 disorder. I’m sort of self treating since I have no health insurance and no money lol anyways, I have been with my man 16 years ( my entire adult life) and I noticed that during my hypomania onset I convince myself that there is no passion in our relationship, that he doesnt pay enough attention to me etc… during this time I truly feel deep inside that we shouldnt be together and I deserve someone who is obsessed with me and that becomes my focus. Ever since the birth of our 4th son, I seem to go manic every 1-2 years and it has weakened our relationship to the point where I feel this is the last time he will forgive me. I love him more than anything, he is my soul mate. he is perfect. i wish I wasnt broken and didnt hurt him so much. Now that I’m semi back to normal I see that the theres no passion thing was bullshit, it’s how I feel less guilty for the things I was doing. That’s just me,just wanted to share because perhaps that’s whats going on with you now?

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