Feeding The Fire: Third Degree Burns

Ready. Set. Sail!

(Warning: Contains explicit sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.)

If you haven’t read my previous entry, go ahead and do it right now so you’ll understand the context of this part of the story a little more. Don’t worry, I’ll wait…

…(*Jeopardy theme song plays in the background*)…



OK! We’re back!

The rest of that night was rough. He was much more aggressive than I had ever seen him. Lots of hair pulling and spankings neither of which I condoned. After about a couple hours, I left and headed home to rest.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I’d been violated even though nothing had actually happened. Was Mark trying to intimidate me? I tried shrugging it off but I couldn’t help but feel scared. And the worst part was, the manic side of me wanted more from him. Because although all of the warning flags were up, I still craved the kind of intense sexual attention I hadn’t been getting from my husband.

On top of all of this, my husband, clever man that he is, was able to figure out that due to the change in gas mileage on my car and the fact that I had to fill up my tank, I was spending my night not at my best friend Nancy’s house, but with Mark. Whoops! So much for being careful. He ended up throwing an angry fit and stormed out. Mind you, this was December 31 and we had a friend’s NYE party to go to that night. Let’s just say it was awkward as fuck.

Over the next few weeks, I refrained from talking to Mark. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to see him ever again and I would just ignore his messages. It was easy at first because I soon fell into a deep depression that would leave me mentally crippled for most of January. That’s the reason I went off the radar for so long.

However, as with everything in life, that didn’t last. I received a series of messages from Mark towards the end of the month that were peculiar in nature. For the first time, Mark was starting to become possessive. He would get offended whenever I told him I couldn’t meet, saying it was “too bad” I was married and “It’d be fun to stuff [his] cock in [me].”

Mark knew that I wasn’t allowed to go all the way and it never bothered him before. But the number of times he would mention fucking me were increasing as well as the number of times he would call me out for being married. I didn’t really think much of it and shrugged it off. I mean, what young, 21-year-old college guy isn’t interested in porking every woman he sees?

So I eventually started getting manic again, and with that, caved and decided to meet up last Thursday. It was a nice sunny day and he had a break in between classes so we agreed on a mutual meetup point. We found a secluded spot in a parking garage. Since his windows were tinted, there wouldn’t be any way for anyone to see what we were doing.

He started off slow, caressing my cheeks and chin. A methodical, almost intimate makeout session skyrocketed immediately into the most heated interactions I’ve ever had with him. And, yet again, he grabbed me by the throat, shoving me against the backseat of his Chevy Trailblazer.

Mark: “You fuckin’ tease me, my little married cocklover. Go ahead and suck it.”

With a fistful of my hair in his hands, Mark forced me to perform oral sex on him. He wanted me to deep throat him and kept shoving my head further and further down. I went along with it even though I didn’t like it.

Mark: “Good girl. You loved that thick cock. Well it wants to be in you badly! When was the last time your husband fucked you?”

Jess: “A while ago.”

Mark: “You could use my cock. God I’d love to stick it in you. You think you could handle that? Just the tip. Just for a sec. Please. I need to feel you.”

After a few minutes of going back and forth, I reluctantly agreed knowing full well that “a sec” was flat out bullshit. Almost immediately, Mark dove at me, spread my legs apart, and went in. He was rough and deliberate. Forceful and determined. After what seemed like ages, I told him to leave. He listened and pulled out and we went on with other things.


Honestly, I really don’t know what to make of all of this. All of it felt so good in the heat of the moment. I dunno. I’m still processing everything. It’s the worst because now I’ve ruined something that I can never take back: I’d never been fucked by another dude other than my husband. And THAT is what sent me home crying. I was so distraught I spent most of Friday night in a constant state of panic. I felt used but I didn’t want to admit it. I STILL don’t want to admit it. I’ve always considered myself too clever to fall for something like this.

And as each passing day goes by with no word from Mark, I die a little inside.

And this is the first time I’m admitting this out loud and it terrifies me.

And I can’t…

…I’m sorry. I’m done for today.

17 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: Third Degree Burns

  1. It’s painful to look back at what happened and harder to admit, especially to yourself. You’ve got a community behind ya if you need to reach out. In the mean time, I’ll keep a look out for Batman and send him your way if I find him 😉

    And thanks for posting these tough topics! It makes me feel like I’m not the only one with these struggles.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Please forgive me, but this needs to be said. Our situations are eerily similar, except I’m a man. Almost exactly a year ago, after 9 years of marriage and three children, I slept with my wife’s best friend. It ripped our lives apart. I was manic, depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I was so messed up, I nearly threw away everything in this world that matters to me. I love my wife more than words can describe and for some reason she still loves me too. Long story short, we went to counselling and we went to the doctor and worked on my meds till we got it right. We cut ties with all the negative people in our lives. I took control and I’m still in control. Looking back, with a clear mind, it’s mortifying that I even allowed myself to go down that path and hurt her so deeply. Getting to this point was the hardest thing we’ve ever been through, but we get better every day. My question to you is, when are you going to take control? I don’t know your life and I sure as hell can’t tell you what to do. What I do know, and understand painfully well, is bipolar disorder. We HAVE to be medicated. We have to. Get your meds right, get your mind together and clear, and take back control of your life. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to repair the damage I’ve caused. Don’t make the same mistakes I have. Take control, before it’s too late.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Have you switched pdocs Jess? I am the last person to give you advice on this because I’ve been manic, but never had the hypersexuality part. But, it hurts my heart to see you in this pain and I never want you to have to go through it again. Love and prayers to you my dear . ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Leslie. I did back in 2016 and we’ve been slowly trying new meds and increasing doses. He just recently doubled my Lithium last Monday and I’m already starting to feel stable again. I need to keep better track of my moods and be more proactive in communicating with him. All that aside, the mania is hard to give up when it happens and I do a poor job of letting him know about it.

      I’m OK but I definitely need to take charge of my mental health so that this doesn’t happen again.

      Thank you for checking on me. Love you too. Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you have trouble remembering what has been going on, and you’re blogging, then consult your blog. It’s all right here. It’s a learning and supportive tool from people, but it’s a learning tool for ourselves as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You may have heard my story before, but here goes. I hated sex. I hated him touching me and I preferred masturbation than having sex with him. While manic and hypersexual one day I made a decision that I knew could cost me my marriage, but who cared at that point. I wanted to see if it was me or him. Other people liked sex, why didn’t I? I wasn’t going to cheat on my husband, I told him this was going to happen and he had the same allowances. We made our marriage an open one, but with rules.

    I found out that I loved sex with others, just not him.

    He started lying about it and seeing someone on the sly. He walked away. Fine with me, I wasn’t happy in the marriage anyhow. 18 years ago we divorced and he went with the lying bitch. He ignored her lying. She would go to the places set up for just that. I wouldn’t. I really only wanted one man I could have sex with, but when the mania overtook me, it made me go after men, married or not, I didn’t care. I got into a long term relationship with a married man. 18 years ago just before our divorce. A year and a half ago he broke it off and I am determined not to let mania force me into that spot again.I haven’t had sex for at least a couple of years maybe 3 with anyone. Masturbation occurred a lot, but I have gone through menopause and been medicated and had no desire for sex, even masturbation.

    I am now withdrawing from my bipolar meds and already signs of mania, but not interested in sex. I am also 60 now. Not a randy younger person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Tessa for sharing your story. I remember you mentioned some of this beforehand but I didn’t realize it was because of the lack of interest in sex with your ex-husband. I’m sorry it didn’t work out and I’m really sorry you’re going through a tough time. If you ever need to vent please do. You always have a friend on here. We girls need to stick together!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, sweetie. I hurt for you. That’s some rough shit. Your story brought my history right back. I dealt with hypersexuality in my 20s. When I was diagnosed as BP2 in my 40s it was a relief of sorts. There was finally an explanation for my behavior and knowing it wasn’t my fault was mind blowing. I knew my brain was different, but didn’t have any clue how to deal with it. I had never heard of hypersexuality (thanks for writing about it, btw – it really is never discussed that I’ve seen) – I just thought I was slutty. Perhaps – I don’t know what the actual definition is. (Ha!)

    I got myself into so many realllly baaaad situations and I can’t believe how reckless I was. I shudder just thinking about it. My friends would have been shocked to know how many men I had sex with (I stopped counting at 70 – I’ve never admitted that to another soul). Had sex with my friends’ boyfriends (none of my friends know – that I’m aware of anyway). This was pre-AIDS so no condoms ever. Jesus. I should be dead or in jail for some of the shit I did.

    But I’m on the other side of that now. Have been for awhile. And I had an epiphany a couple of days ago. My mind runs constantly and it’s hard to get regrets and guilt out of my mind. Like a fucking loop in my head. I finally realized that I had to forgive MYSELF for that shit and move on. Everything has to go forward and I got tired of it holding me back. This just occurred to me TWO DAYS ago and I’m almost 60. Crikey.

    Yes, meds save me. Things get unbalanced at times, but I’m vigilant about behavioral changes and do my best to deal with them before they get out of hand.

    Please know that there is hope and a resolution and you will work it out. Right now it’s the worst it will be. Don’t beat yourself up too badly about it.

    Also have to tell you that I just found your blog yesterday. Read an article you did in BPMag. Glad I found you and I’ll be thinking of you. Hang in there.

    Thanks for letting me spew. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my God WandaLou!! I’m so so happy you were able to find my blog. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. THIS comment is the one I needed to hear after all the opinions I’ve received from people.

      When you said, “My mind runs constantly and it’s hard to get regrets and guilt out of my mind. Like a fucking loop in my head. I finally realized that I had to forgive MYSELF for that shit and move on. Everything has to go forward and I got tired of it holding me back.” That sounds like me. Like exactly. I need to move past this and the guilt. I look up to you for hope. I know you understand how difficult it is. Thanks again and take care. Hugs!! XOXO


  6. I agree with Wandalou: it’s important to forgive yourself. I think the stigma against mental illness makes it harder because society is telling you that you shouldn’t talk about it and the mental illness tells you not to talk about it. Bravo to you for talking about it even when you are scared and society & your illness tell you not to. That is a huge step! You struggle and you fall but you get back up and you fight! I have a shirt with that saying from Finding Nemo: just keep swimming!

    On another note, I read your article in BP Hope magazine! What an accomplishment!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lori! You’re definitely right. We struggle and we fall but we get back up again. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ll talk about it on my blog, and I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to fight and become the person I’ve been wanting to be. Thanks for stopping by and have a great week!


  7. I am 62, been married, 32 years; this man is truly my champion.. we love each other deeply, and work very hard at our relationship,(however ; life is not a bed of roses, as is so often said.) I am disabled( use a walker @ home, and wheelchair for mobilization outside our home) my point .. we have not been able to have intercourse,for 5 years… this breaks our hearts, (there is hope, my doctors are with us every “step” of the way) but we are very creative, we pleasure each other greatly ,and as often as my pain threshold will allow. I have Bi-polar II, and many other ailments.. (that’s a whole other set of issues.) My point, there is always hope…. for any given situation…
    (yes I get angry, sit on the pitty-pot, cry till the tears stop flowing, pull up my big girl panties and move on…) I believe in God… I pray ,and, often my prayers are answered… my faith carries me through many a very tough day…God Bless You.


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