I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

To describe it as torture would be an understatement​.
It’s mental anguish.
That feeling.
That worm that digs and digs into your skull, trying to make it’s way in. It’s taking over my brain again.
I can feel it.
Twisting and turning inside my head. It’s almost painful. I’m grinding my teeth just to distract from the racing thoughts in my brain. And I try to reason with it. The devil. The Snake. But it’s no use.
I’m trying you guys. Maybe I just need to give in. It seems pointless to resist if it always wins. It feels hopeless.
Mania is washing over me.
Sorry I don’t have any concrete news to share.  Right now I’m doing intensive outpatient therapy. It works for depression.
Fucking obviously.
But it doesn’t seem to work for Mania. Nobody seems to know what to do about it.
You can talk someone up from a Depression but how do you talk someone down from a Mania?
That’s the Holy Grail, isn’t it? Meds seem to be the only thing that works.
Good. So why didn’t I get meds?
Because my current pdoc is too afraid to think outside the box for fear of repercussions than actually help me.
I told him I was manic. I did. I flat out said it on Wednesday. What was his response?
“Let’s wait it out and see what happens. Maybe it’ll go away.”
Um…..I think I know my own mind better than you. If I’m mentioning I’m pretty hypo, you better pay attention.
At least I have a second opinion. I have a pdoc on the inside. I can ask to see him Monday.
He’ll do something I know it.
But.
Will it be too late by then?
Not sure.
My husband is out of town next week and the Snake wants to play.
So damn horny I can’t focus.
I think I’ll take a shower.
Sorry I’ve been so distant. These past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.
I don’t know what you’ve done to me
But I know this much is true
I wanna do bad things with you

10 thoughts on “I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

  1. Bipolar axis two has so few true manic episodes yet so many deep depressive ones mixed with mixed states, therapy doesn’t talk it up at all for me.

    Your doctor allowing your current manic state should be sued for malpractice should you do manic related things that never would have happened had he not been waiting for it to go away. Sorry you’re in hell, none of us deserve it and it’s never easy to know a friend is going through some extreme same as you are. Hope you hang tough and don’t get any snakebites. ❤

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  2. I hope it doesn’t end too badly. I have trouble picturing a pdoc who wants to wait out mania. All the ones I’ve had jump on it like it’s dangerous -which it is for me. Usually in a physical sense, as I drive cars and ride my motorcycle like I’m invulnerable when I’m manic. It’s a miracle over the years (I’m 55) that nothing truly bad has come of this.

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    1. I see your point,…I, too, am both ADHD, and Bipolar I. I can get very hypersexual!!! And, my meds help just a-bit! I have 3 pdocs! They know about this situation. I’ve had multiple lovers,…years ago. I’ve been “faithful,” for the past 12 years! I pray, a-lot, too! I’ve lost the majority of my jobs!!! I am a male, 62 years old,…and finally, on social security – early retirement.

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  3. I so hope your 2nd doctor can help you. The other one is negligent in making you wait to give you help. I wish for you to feel better soon sweetie. Don’t feel alone with your feelings, pour them out to us because we understand like no other! Sending you love and light!❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I really hope that the second doctor was able to help you. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around much recently, and therefore didn’t comment in a timely manner. That first doc needs to be thrown in the trash. You don’t just wait out mania. Hang in there Jess, I’m thinking about you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. At some point, I think you have to start wondering if really Mark is the right one. I mean it’s always Mark. Never a third person. At this point, you really have two long term relationships going at the same time. I’m not saying he is. But you at least have to think long and hard about it. Do whatever you can to change doctors, being closed minded to mental disorders in this day ages is malpractice.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I oftentimes feel depressed, over my condition. I wish I could be more help to others! I lost 2 marriages over my illnesses,…ADHD, and Bipolar I. I’m oftentimes punished, for my illness, too! My 2 grown sons, have ignored me for years!!! I’ve never seen my first son’s offspring, either! I can be very sad!

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