Detox: Ripping The Parasite Off My Heart

Ready. Set. Sail!

So, I want to clarify something, more so for my own benefit than anything else. I’m not in a relationship with Mark as normal people would refer to it as. Mark is a parasite. To quote the website “Fact Monster”:

There are three different types of symbiotic relationships: mutualism, commensalism, and parasitism.

  • Mutualism: both partners benefit. An example of mutualism is the relationship between the Egyptian plover and the crocodile. In the tropical regions of Africa, the crocodile lies with its mouth open. The plover flies into its mouth and feeds on bits of decaying meat stuck in the crocodile’s teeth. The crocodile does not eat the plover. Instead, he appreciates the dental work. The plover eats a meal and the crocodile gets his teeth cleaned. Coincidentally, the Egyptian plover is also known as the crocodile bird.
  • Commensalism: only one species benefits while the other is neither helped nor harmed. For example, remora fish are very bony and have a dorsal fin (the fin on the back of fish) that acts like a suction cup. Remora fish use this fin to attach themselves to whales, sharks, or rays and eat the scraps their hosts leave behind. The remora fish gets a meal, while its host gets nothing. Selfish, sure, but neither gets hurt.
  • Parasitism: One organism (the parasite) gains, while the other (the host) suffers. The deer tick is a parasite. It attaches to a warmblooded animal and feeds on its blood. Ticks need blood at every stage of their life cycle. They also carry Lyme disease, an illness that can cause joint damage, heart complications, and kidney problems. The tick benefits from eating the animal’s blood. Unfortunately, the animal suffers from the loss of blood and nutrients and may get sick.

Now, I’m very wary of calling what Mark and I have as a “relationship.” That usually implies that there is an emotional connection. But I guess if you have to define it as a relationship, it’s parasitism. And in this relationship I, the host, suffer. I suffer enough that I’m actually getting physically sick: nausea, migranes, irritability, insomnia, etc. It’s been about a couple months since we last met up and he’s getting impatient. Meanwhile, I’m desperately trying to rip him off my heart as quickly as possible, so to speak.

And it’s interesting, I’m pretty manic right now but I haven’t been pushed over the edge. I still have some ability to reason. I still have some control. And even though I may want something, I’m trying to remind myself it’s all in my head (LOL, duh).

Unfortunately, my husband is out of town on a business trip until next Friday. So my friend Furiosa, who knows the whole story, has made it her mission to help me “detox” and remove the parasite that is Mark. She came over to my place after I was done with intensive outpatient therapy on Thursday and stayed with me until this morning around 1am. She offered to stay the night if need be just to make sure. I told her I was fine and she made sure to let me know that she is only one text/phone call away.

Now while I don’t want to burden her by babysitting me, I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts. But I also don’t want to be a drain on my friends. Today just happens to be a day when all my friends are busy or out of town. So we’ll see how this goes.

So right now, my body is rebelling against me. Everyday Mark comes back stronger and stronger with new clever things to say to get me to cave. He’s a manipulative asshole that doesn’t understand what no means. But every time I say no, I feel like I’m dying. But, interesting enough, something else happens.

I start to feel happier.

This has never happened before. Whenever push came to shove, my husband would either let me do what I wanted or I went ahead and cheated. This time, since I didn’t have the opportunity, I noticed that saying no didn’t kill me. I’m being serious. It wasn’t as painful as I thought. And I’ve ignored his advances for weeks and the most recent PERSISTENT last few days! My God, just typing that seems surreal. I always seemed to just fall under his spell. Now I’m not just surviving but I’m thriving!

Now that’s not to say that today won’t be the day I give in. I could very well fall back into it. But I just want to say I’m proud of myself for making it this far.

I’m proud of myself. I did a good job.

That feels good to say.

So, I don’t know what else is up Mark’s sleeve. But I’m trying to slowly rip each appendage off slowly so I don’t just bleed out and die.  But even though I’m doing it one at a time, each appendage that finally is released brings with it a feeling of relief I haven’t experienced in so long.

The 100% cutoff never worked in the past. I need to approach this slowly and allow my mind to understand that sex isn’t everything, no matter how good.

Because honestly, I’m a strong independent woman. And I can do this.

I don’t care how many times I’ve failed. I don’t care how long this has been going on. I don’t care how tired you guys are of hearing about Mark (Trust me I’m more over talking about him than ALL of you combined!).

I care that it ends. For good. If that means that I’m going to fail again, fine. But I’m not going to stop trying.

I won’t. I’ll be strong.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

YOU HELD ME DOWN, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a CHAMPION and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a CHAMPION and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

20 thoughts on “Detox: Ripping The Parasite Off My Heart

  1. Dude, that song is my kid’s school leadership program’s theme. I sat through 120 elementary kids belting out the kid’s bop version just yesterday. But if it makes you feel empowered…Go with it and get rid of the parasite. Strong women deserve better than that. Mutualism sounds the way to go for all of us.
    Spork of fortitude for not caving thus far. Keep trying. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so proud of you, I think you have a good plan-one appendage at a time. You deserve so much more than he is giving and it helps when you recognize what they are costing you. We are with you girl!!! Sending love and hugs. Ava

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I honestly don’t want to come across as being negative. However, nothing I’ve read in your previous post makes me think Mark is a parasite. You seem to be using him for erotic love. I mean at times you have admitted as much. In fact, I think if you step back and try to put you feet in this guys shoes, I think you will probably see that this relationship has probably caused him significant psychological trauma. And I think its important to remember how young he is. In his eyes, you might be his first true love. I don’t say any of this to bring you down. But something you might not realize, for him your mental impairment probably looks like “a good trait”. For him, you are woman with strong sexual prowess. And you have given him so much attention at times and then you have pulled away. From your account in “Feeding The Fire: Third Degree Burns,” I think he is unhinged. You have been trying to figure yourself out, but I’m not sure you see the obsession he has for you. I mean he might not be a parasite, but he has crossed in to territory that is unacceptable. And you made him aware of his power by acquiescing. Now, he is trying to use it, tempt you, or whatever. But I suspect that the real danger is that he shows you his real feeling and you see how much this kid is head over heels for you, and your heart will melt. I think he is far more obsessed with you than you are with him. I do hope you have strength going forward and I hope you get where you want to. Just watch your blind side.


    1. Sorry about the late response but this comment struck a chord with me and I needed time to mull over it and digest it. Your perspective on what’s going on in my life is very different from what I’ve gotten from other people and a lot of it was hard to read.

      Now as you know, the policy on my blog is raw and honest so I’ll never delete comments I don’t agree with. But I do have to ask you: Why is it you think Mark is not in any way a parasite…or at least manipulative in some way?

      Another thing to note is that Mark has been pursuing me for about 2 years now with whatever goal in mind. If it’s anyone’s “fault” for all this it’s HIS. He may be young but he is also a grown ass adult. This may be true love for him but I have always mentioned to him in conversation that this thing has to end eventually. I’d hope the constant reminder would stick. Regardless, I’ve been trying my best to stop seeing him. And yes I have caved on several occasions, but not with the intent to use him for erotic love. He has even told me he is not a stranger to fwb relationships.

      So that’s my opinion. I’d love to hear your response.


  4. Hi Jess,
    Firstly i just want to say that i never get tired of reading what you have to say about Mark. At the moment this is the situation that you are working through. I reckon that’s a great way of slowly detoxing Mark from your system – one appendage at a time. If he were alcohol, drugs, cigarettes or any other form of addiction they too would be slowly detoxed from our systems. So it only makes sense to do the same with a human being.
    I send you all the support and positive thoughts i can to you and wish you only success in your on going journey. Looking forward to reading about how you go.
    Oh and by the way a slip back is not a fail it’s just a slip back ☺.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Tracy you are awesome!! This comment is exactly what I needed to hear and I’m infinitely thankful for your support and believing in me. In times like this, I need all the support I can get. You made me feel empowered today. Take care my friend. Hugs!!!


  5. I think it’s easy to feel like a burden or feel like you shouldn’t keep talking about all of this, but 1) it’s your blog, you get to write whatever you want no matter what anyone else thinks or says and 2) it’s helping you! Sometimes it is so important to write things down to help keep them in mind and to have just a bit of accountability with people who support and encourage you even if you make mistakes. Plus you can always come back here and read what you’ve written and what other people have written when you feel like you’re struggling.

    I am so very pleased to hear that you are making progress! You are so right that sometimes going cold turkey doesn’t work for some people (or in some situations) so you do what is working for you. I think the good feeling tells you you’re on the right track; hang on to that feeling! And I agree: it doesn’t matter how many times you fail as long as you keep getting back up and trying again. Good for you for owning your struggle and keep going!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I keep forgetting that it’s my blog because it’s so open to the public. I’ll keep going strong and documenting my struggles along the way. Thanks for supporting me, Lori! You’re always here for me.


  6. I appreciate the horrible swings you go through. You may not want to share, but if you will, I would appreciate hearing how your husband deals with certain elements of this. Specifically, I have to imagine he is familiar with your blog (or at least is familiar with Mark). If so, why doesn’t he simply confront Mark and do what it takes to ‘encourage’ him to end contact with you? Depending on how you are feeling at any particular time, I can imagine that there are days where you might think that’s a good idea, and others where you’d feel the opposite. But as a husband, I do not understand how love and jealousy have not forced him to take that action.
    I realize this blog is about you, and it helps those who suffer from BP, but it also has some power to help educate the folks who love and care for those with BP. I hope you can shed some additional light on this issue. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bob I absolutely love your idea of having my husband come out of the shadows and give his experience on all this. He is actually currently working on a blog post about what he feels and why he has done what he has done. Hopefully you and other significant others will find his account helpful. I told him to write from the heart and that I won’t read it so it’ll be raw and honest. Take care and thanks for reaching out.


  7. Jess,
    Thank you for sharing your experiences and the feelings from it. I’m a husband to a bipolar wife, with two stepdaughters. Unlike you, my wife doesn’t get help. We’ve had a good marriage for 3 years but 6 months ago a lot of changes occurred occurred in her life, some probably triggers for mania or depression. and she developed an affair at her new job. I actually confronted both of them maybe bad on my part. In any case, I feel for you and your husband being husband myself…he must love you and be consumed with worry. The difference between my wife and you is my wife doesn’t get help for her bipolar and when things get challenging she wants to divorce. My wife still communicates with her “mark” and although I think the physical aspect is not occurring it still hurts. My question is, do you have any recommendations for men in this situation? How can we differentiate between it’s the person cheating or the bipolar driving this? Thanks!


  8. Hey sweetheart I miss hearing from you! I hope you are doing alright. I worry about you when you are so quiet, I’m sending you my love and hugs!💜💜💜


  9. What is wrong with your spouse that he keeps putting up with your obsession with another man? When you’re married, or in a committed relationship, you’re supposed to be exclusive to the other person. Yes, I know the manic monster gets in the way, but you took the vows. It’s not his responsibility to keep you faithful , it’s yours. If you can’t, let your obviously codependent husband go. Trust me, he’ll be happier, regardless of what he tells himself. Don’t go blogging online and seeking validation from strangers. My wife who has bipolar cheated and I would never be with her off of mood stabilzers. You, just like she, have a neurological condition. That’s why I stayed, and helped, but the burden is on her to visit her pdoc, get her lithium levels checked, chart her moods, exercise, and take her meds religiously. I’m sorry but your blog has been active for a long time. You’ve had many chances to get on mood stabilzers. Your doctor is foolish for letting your episode ride out, but you’re responsible for your treatment. I’ve read your blog before and am not ignorant to your situation Jess. If you took the time to do what you need instead of blogging and writing smut about mark, both you and your husband would be in a better place.


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