Sinking Stone: How Bipolar Drags Us Down

Ready. Set. Sail!

So I guess I should say something. I haven’t in a while. Intensive outpatient has been keeping me busy. But I’m done with that now. I have a job…well…HAD a job.

I quit yesterday. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like of the two other new girls they hired, I was being almost targeted. I was being held back in my training while the other two were progressing despite the fact that all three of us had similar error rate scores. I was told I wasn’t quite up to standard where I should be. Fair enough. So I needed to work on some stuff. I was more than willing to put in the time and effort to catch up. It hurt my ego don’t get me wrong. I knew why. I had been taking Abilify and upped my dose a little before work started. It cause severe drowsiness and blurred vision. It was almost impossible for me to stay awake. I must not have retained much information. But this week I was supposed to do exercisises to get me ready to complete the next step of training. That didnt happen. I had to go back to my old lessons. So I decided to speed up the process by writing down a bunch of questions. What I got was snippiness and attitude. First, the manager pretended not to hear me, then she decided she wanted to answer all the questions I had right now. So she grabs a piece of paper and slams it down in front of me and tells me to write down every single question I have, visibly pissed. So I started writing them down. After a little while she comes back and half-ass answers them with a condescending, “You should know the answers to these by now.” In those words. So she basically tells me to go off in the corner by myself and study the material more. So I fake being sick and her and my supervisor let me go home early.

 

The next day I quit. Maybe if I had been a stronger person and “toughed it out” through training then things would be different. But that’s what bipolar is right? Just tough out the anxiety. Ignore the shakes and the fears. It’ll just magically disappear.

Sorry I paraphrasing what a friend told me. Maybe she was right and I could’ve handled that toxic environment and it would’ve died off. Maybe. I had a feeling it was going to haunt me. Because when the manager comes up to you almost everyday to remind you that a 10 minute break is only 10 minutes long and to be back on time even though you’re always on time…

…or when HR gets wind of your early work departure and asks if there is anything you’d like to discuss in private because you started acting weird once you got held back from training?

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m trying to live with my decision and move on. I’m so much happier. This is a shit job that has a MASSIVELY high turnover rate that I thought I could handle. Maybe if I had been more stable?

Anyways. I’m rambling. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Please be gentle, I’m still processing and my friend was more than hurtful last night.


15 thoughts on “Sinking Stone: How Bipolar Drags Us Down

  1. I’m 68 years old and have been bipolar/manic since the early ’80’s. I worked at a place for 17 years that I dearly loved. Worked for two great guys that both retired. Then our firm merged with another firm and I inherited a female boss that was a real B-I-T-C-H. One day I told the office manager she could take my job and stick it up her ass! Surprised I didn’t get fired. Found out with my age and years of service I could take early retirement, so that’s what I did. Life is too short to be unhappy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can understand your pain, because I experienced something similar many years ago when I started a new job. I ended up transferring within the company, though. Anyway, sounds like your boss was a nasty bitch. No one deserves to be treated poorly. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you find a nicer situation soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry the job didn’t work out, but if they’re treating you so badly in the training phase, who knows what’s to come? I think you did the right thing. It’s easy to take it as a failure, but I would take it as extreme self-care which is what it is. Good job.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello Jess, Sound’s ta me, like the “manager”… doesn’t have a handle, on her emotions! ( Ya hear me?)… don’t take this “attitude”, personally… many, hugs, Take Care… Brahndi.

    Like

  5. There’s enough venom the bipolar produces on itself to add any more toxic stuff to it. Worklpace, relationships, ‘friends’, anything at all. Sure, sometimes it can be a bit of a lonely existence. But there’s almost always going to be a few people, one person even that we can rely on. And that’s the stuff that really helps me get by. I hope a better workplace finds you soon. I want you to know that this isn’t a failure. It’s self preservation. Keep preserving yourself! Putting yourself before a toxic job and people. 🙂
    Cheers,
    The Walrus.

    Like

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