Feeding The Fire: New Year, Same Issues

Ready. Set. Sail!

There’s this weird unsteadiness I get whenever I think about my blog. It feels almost unnecessary but at the same time crucial to the bipolar community. I write mostly about a symptom hardly anyone on the planet has. Heck, some days, I don’t even believe it. Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe it’s my meds. I don’t know. But I guess that’s not my job is it?  MY job is to tell all y’all about my experiences with bipolar disorder; what happens to me during mania, and let you decide. I guess. I can’t do much else. But I have to tell you I’ve come across a lot…A LOT of stories from people who have the exact same issue as me: the need for constant sexual attention, the cravings, the headaches,etc.

So I don’t know where I’m going with this. I brought it up because I’m starting to come up. I’m starting to feel the mania creeping up like a spider making it’s way up my back. I can feel it, the tiny legs tickle as it slowly makes it’s way to my brain, ready to crawl through my ears and take over.

So I’m bargaining with myself, pleading for the feeling to go away. I haven’t had any issues with this in over 9 months and now it’s making it’s way back to me.

The Forbidden Forest had burnt down, or at least I assumed it did. Then how is it possible that I’m standing in front of it right now as we speak? I can hear the low whisper of the wind howling through the trees calling out my name…”Jess”…

And I don’t want any part of it. Not again. Not ever. I want my peace and sanity back.

Over the past few months of I’d forgotten that I was bipolar. The Depression was there but the Mania hasn’t been there. I thought I was cured.

I guess not.


24 thoughts on “Feeding The Fire: New Year, Same Issues

  1. Sometimes, I forget that bipolar axis one is just as much a struggle as axis two. Thanks for reminding me. I do not want to become like the masses, so attuned to my own battles I forget that others with a different form of the disorder somehow suffer less,. Not feeling in control, high or low, is hell for all of us.

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  2. Nope, as I understand it… we are never fully cured 😦 Sucks so much. I am bipolar 1 (disphoric mania). My bipolar usually presents as manic anger and angst, but it has been hypersexual, intense, and devastating on several occasions. It happened to me last spring, which is when I discovered your blog. What are your triggers? When it happened to me four years ago, I finally (after decades of drinking to excess) QUIT and I have not had a drink in four years… HUGE trigger for hypersexual episodes. After last spring, I had to quit something else that is directly correlated to hypersexual episodes… and it was even harder. I had to give up my favorite fun thing to do (since about 2000): online multiplayer games. Too much adrenaline and social interaction with anonymous men…. I can’t feed the fire because I cannot continue to hurt the people who I love so much. If it is a trigger and I know it, it is GONE. Good luck. Hang in there. Fight it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah… Quitting alcohol was a huge boost to my stability. I did so many horrible things when I was drunk. Amazingly, it took me another full year to quit drinking AFTER a particularly horrific manic/blackout state. I was throwing dishes at my husband, and a security guard came. Apparently, I took off all my clothes, started crawling across the floor telling the security guard to f-ck me in the a**. Lovely, huh? I had a major hypersexual episode later that year which resulted in me driving across the country to f*ck a person that is about 25 years younger than me… But, gaming is really the huge trigger… something about the text environment, adrenaline, and bonds I form with my team mates can set it off. THANK YOU for your blog… so much! Keep on keeping on, lady.

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  3. My husband is finally getting to a place of stability after almost two years of mania and depression. And it sucks knowing that his hard won stability is something he has to fight to keep (or regain when it is lost). But he’s not alone in that fight and neither are you. I hope in addition to feeling like your blog supports the bipolar community, you feel like the people who read your blog support YOU too.

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  4. Sorry…. yourself so good. It keeps me on the edge of my seat. But I want to tell you how bad ass I think you are for sharing your story and I MEAN THE REAL RAW STUFF!! I have just started blogging and I suck at it but a girls gotta vent somewhere. You Just keep doin you and don’t worry about anybody else. I have rapid cycling so I never even know what mania will hit me next. Leave my husband, cheat, spend money, gamble, drugs. I mean shit I’ve done it all. STAY REAL SISTA 😉

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  5. Before I was medicated for depression, I was far more libinous. SSRIs, which I take for depression, together later with mood stabilizer for hypomania, dampen my libido, which sucks. Too bad we must live with either symptoms, or with side effects of medication. Better to live with stability, I’ve decided, than to be horny.

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  6. I’m totally rooting for you – and I understand what you mean as far as “It feels almost unnecessary but at the same time crucial to the bipolar community. I write mostly about a symptom hardly anyone on the planet has. Heck, some days, I don’t even believe it.”

    That’s EXACTLY how I feel about having postpartum bipolar; I’ve had psychiatrists tell me they don’t believe in my diagnosis, those fuckers. I’d love to see them go through it and then we can talk about its existence. (I don’t *really* mean that….but you know what I’m sayin’) Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and touching base. Sending you my love and a hug, Jess! Xo

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  7. Finding a community of people dealing with the struggles of compulsive hypersexual behaviors makes me realize that the simple but arduous challenges that I face day in and day out are real and the frustration that I get out of these experiences being risky and expensive can be more likely handled correctly – that is behavior modification and establishing control over the disease.

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  8. Hi Jess,
    I’ve followed your blog now for several years now and always look forward to reading them. Why? Because there’s no masks. Its raw and real. I wish I could find someone in real life that I could take the masks off and still be accepted.
    I tripped into mania with a recent AD change. My sexual drive went crazier than I have EVER experienced in my entire life. Never have the utter un ignorable feelings been so intense so as to literally not be able to stop myself acting out on some of them. Despite belief in God which acts as a stabilizing effect.
    I can’t speak for you, but if you’ve had chemical induced imbalances that have caused uncontrollable urges, then I can both understand the craving and disgust that your mind puts you through. Psych doctors don’t get it. I’ve never had such a reaction so quickly and so sexually charged as this. Police involvement due to other aspects ofy mania had my medication altered and additional MS added to my concoction. I was hospitalized for two weeks.
    The lessons I learned. Listen to your body and do something whilst you still have a choice. It might be meds, it might be alcohol. It might be stress, I’ve no idea. But hospitalization reminded or rather kick started my routines again which I’d forgotten. Eat regular at the same time. Medication, at the same time. Sleep and get up, same time. Its not always practical, and yes it took major drug intervention combined with lifestyle reminders, but at least, well for the moment, I’m under control. Do what you can whilst you can, before the chemicals mess with your mind so badly that as I felt but could not see at the time, good became bad and bad became good. Now, to be honest, I miss the bad. But in those two weeks o screwed up months of hard work. And that’s what I keep trying to remind myself.
    One foot in front of the other. And please, do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and safe. I wish you well.

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  9. The hypersexuality is definitely a symptom I’m familiar with, when i was in Lamictal, it was the worst. So sorry for the relapse. Remind me, are you on Lithium? Or whichever mood stabilizer, time to increase the dose. You can’t fight the symptoms without the meds otherwise none of us would have bipolar disorder. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Samina. Sorry this is so late. Been dealing with a lot lately. I’ve actually been really stable on my meds for a while now and I agree with you: you can’t fight the symptoms without them. I am on lithium and about 1800mg a day! Yikes. But it works. How have you been doing?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Jess! So good to hear from you and even better that you’re doing well! I’m ok, just dealing with a lot of anxiety, hoping it’ll either go away or I’ll learn to deal with it better. Love and hugs and keep doing well.

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    1. Hi Corina. I am so very sorry about not responding. I’ve been going through a lot lately and I honestly forget to get in touch with a few people. But I’m coming back up again and I’m excited to start working on my site. If you need to reach me, send me a DM via Twitter (@jessmelancholia) or email me if it’s easier. Again, I’m very sorry.

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