Depressed

Hi. I’m back.

Well this is awkward. Akward? Awwkwaaard? I don’t know how to spell it. Leave me alone!

Sorry, I should probably give some context.

I’m extremely depressed. I need help.

I got a new job a few weeks ago and in my hypomanic attempt to be the best employee possible I think I burned myself out. Now I hate myself, I feel like I have no energy left, and I think my moods crashed.

I feel like death. Words are hard.

No I havent seen my therapist.

Words are hard.

 

 

I’m scared. I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to go back to work again. What happened to my perserverance. I’m hiding under the covers wanting to feel something other than complete sadness. I’ve been crying all morning.

Why can’t I be normal? I hate this so much. I’m so tired of it. It robs me of everything that I am. All the things that make me happy. It keeps getting harder and harder. I just want me old life back before the bipolar. I’m so sick of this shit. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I wish I was dead.


9 thoughts on “Depressed

  1. Jess! I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I know that feeling of sadness, not thinking you’re enough, thinking everyone will see behind that mask of productivity and super hero abilities. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t worry too much – this will pass. It always does ‘ you know this. Hang in there, dear.

    Yours in BP,

    Ann

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok slow your roll… you want to live we want you to live. I wish I could go back he’ll all the way back to before I knew what all this mental health shit was all about. Life sure seemed simpler. If you still think you can work what are the little battles or tasks you can accomplish and feel good about it? Chopping wood starts with the first chop of wood being cut not the entire log. If you can keep chopping wood. If it’s to much check into disability if you can. It may be the best thing at this point in time.-Patrick

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  3. Feeling you right now, was diagnosed early this year March I think?

    Got a cotton wool head today, didn’t get out of bed till 10;30am, having 4 kids this really isn’t a luxury I can afford! What wrong with me today?? Just been told my eldest sons grandad has been given days to live …. not sure how his going to cope or how I’m going to cope in comforting him when right now I’m struggling with everyday things…. hang in there I guess? What else can we do.

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  4. Bipolar depression sucks. My husband is going through something similar: he’s sliding down into depression after a long manic episode and now that he’s going back to work next week (he was on leave while he was in an inpatient program and then outpatient for a few weeks), he’s really anxious about being able to handle it and worried it will push him back into a manic episode or more depression.

    The most important thing is to follow your personal action plan. For example, my husband has agreed to talk to his psychiatrist or primary care doctor before stopping any of his meds (bipolar or otherwise). So whenever he has complained to me about side effects or wanting to stop taking a medication, I remind him that he needs to talk to a doctor first but that absolutely it might be necessary to change his medications (he actually had to stop his blood pressure meds a couple of weeks ago because it was interacting with his bipolar meds and making him really sick). Sometimes it’s hard for him to remember what he is supposed to do when he’s overwhelmed by an emotion or physical symptoms which is why it’s so important for him to at least remember to talk to someone on his support team who can help him take the best next step towards feeling better.

    So whenever you feel sad or depressed or hopeless, what is your action plan? Do you call your therapist? Do you call your psychiatrist? Do you call or text a suicide helpline? And if you don’t have a concrete plan per se, you can always ask yourself (or therapist or friend or other person on your support team) what worked for you in the past when you felt like this.

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  5. Awww, I’m sending you huge hugs. Take action though, and take it now. Refer back to what I’m sure you have from previous times, your plan. What to do when you hit rock bottom. Ring your therapist, counsellor, get outside. It sounds trite and I know you want to hit me over the head with a shovel, but get out there and breathe deeply. Do your yoga, meditation and if all else fails, sit outside with a good book and switch off your mind. We’re all with you, all the way. Fight this, because you know that it too shall pass. Love Katie x

    Liked by 1 person

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