“Jesus, Where Have You Been?!”

Ready. Set. Sail!

My God…

I’ve been gone for a while now. I’ve been dealing with a deep dark depression and it’s been taking over everything in my psyche.

I know that’s not an excuse. I know you’re mad at me. I’m truly very sorry. Please understand that I’m not about to just *poof* disappear again. I can’t promise that I’ll post multiple times a week but I’ll try my best.

Things have changed with me. Definitely. I’m undergoing a real spiritual awakening and questioning everything I know.

Before I get into that, let me say that I will post the Q&A stuff soon. I haven’t forgotten about that!! I know I owe a lot of people answers. Thank you for being patient. I’m so embarrassed I feel like I let you all down. Hopefully I can recommit and make things right again.

“So, Jess, about that spiritual awakening?” Well…oh boy…this might get controversial so fasten your seatbelts!!

**************************WARNING**********************************************

ALL OPINIONS IN THIS POST ARE 100% BASED ON MY OWN EXPERIENCES AND RESEARCH AND I’M NOT TRYING TO INFLUENCE OR CHANGE ANYONE ELSE’S. TAKE EVERYTHING I SAY WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AND REALIZE THAT A THOUSAND CLICKS, BOOKS, AND DISCUSSIONS HAVE LEAD ME TO THIS POINT!!!

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So….what’s the meaning of life? Is it to be happy because I’m not happy. I have bipolar disorder. I have it so bad that it nearly cost me my marriage. I blame it everyday for the poor choices I made with Mark and I blame myself for not being able to fight it. People send me messages even now about how I should be ashamed of myself. One person said that I cheated TOO much. That once makes sense and that anymore after that is wrong. As if there is a quota for number of cheating sessions you’re allowed to have before it all turns to fucking shit. Yes people, I get it. Stop reminding me. So now I ask, is there a God?

I remember praying to God asking him to change my heart and make me stop craving the temptations. I cried so hard I could’ve bleed. I begged for some help. I wondered if maybe it’s just my personality to be addicted to sex. Can you be addicted to sex? There aren’t any studies that prove that sex addiction is an actual thing. I don’t know. I just feel like God should’ve done something!

But then some people say that “God has a plan” and blah blah. What a load of horseshit! What kind of God tortures his creation like this? I’ve done nothing but strive to be a good person my whole life and I still got verbally abused by my parents. I feel like no matter what I did, it was never good enough for him (assuming God’s a dude). I went to Christian K-12 school, I went to church, I volunteered, I helped with Sunday school, I was in choir, I went to Bible study, etc. And all that for what? I’ve lost my faith.

Yes I know, good works don’t get you into heaven but could’ve at least tossed me a bone in my time of need? Useless. How ridiculously useless. If we have to suffer here on earth for some promise of a fun afterlife then I’ll just end it right here. End the suffering. Oh wait. You can’t because suicide is a sin or whatever. So what do I do? The same shit while people like Kim Kardashian get pampered all day long and doesn’t even lift a finger. I feel like I’m a better person than she is. Why can’t I have that life?

So I’m kinda done with the whole God thing. If someone can actually give me a GOOD reason as to why God’s an asshole then maybe I’ll listen.

I’d like to continue this discussion in the next post about the afterlife and if there may be something to the whole near death experience stuff. Leave a comment with suggestions or if you have a question feel free. Just keep it civil.

 


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