Too Weak To End It

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Jesus I had a long day yesterday.

I don’t know guys I think I’m broken. I think it’s finally happened. Nothing. Empty. I’ve run out of steam. There is nothing left in me right now.

I thought I was doing better. The mania started to creep in slowly. I thought “Yeah I can handle it. It’s not that strong. I miss this feeling. I’m actually getting shit done now.” But the irritability soon followed. And for some reason my anxiety was astronomical. Every little thing would set me off. Got a letter in the mail from our internet service provider? BOOM! They’re cancelling our account. We won’t have internet ever again. Catastrophic thinking at it’s most intense. The lady that cut you off in traffic? She knows where you live and is going to call the police to take you away. Every. Single. Thing. Was a crisis. Nothing was safe. I wasn’t safe. And it grew and grew and grew. Into this MONSTER. I couldn’t function anymore.

My therapist said meditate. I did. She said eat healthy. Exercise. Get some sun. Have strong family and friend relationships. I did. I did everything. I did ALL the things. Nothing helped. I started getting paranoid. No one loved me. People were out to get me. It creeped up on me slowly. I didn’t notice it until just recently.

Yesterday I was convinced that no one loved me anymore. They were all lying to me to make me feel better. I was alone. I was hollow. I couldn’t feel anything. My mind was racing. I was trying to find a reason to keep going. A reason to live. I couldn’t think of anything. What’s the point? We live we die that’s it right? Why should I live in the pain? I’m in so much pain! I had to end it. I decided I was going to fill the bathtub with water and lay in it with slit wrists. So I grabbed the knife and got in the tub in my nightgown and got myself prepared. I said to myself, “Do it Jess! End this! You won’t suffer anymore. No one can help you. You’re done.” Hot tears streaming from my eyes I tried desperately to do it but I couldn’t. I wanted death. I wanted it so badly I’ve never wanted anything as bad before. But I could do it. I hated myself for being weak. For not finishing the job.

So I sat there. Staring at the tiles. Wondering what to do. I stood up and walked over to my couch dripping water all over the floor and sat there until my husband came home.

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It’s the next day and I feel weak. Drained. I don’t have any desire to keep going but I can’t end it. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. In this hell. I’m on some new meds but the new antidepressant is going to take several weeks to kick in. Meanwhile I was suggested I got to the hospital. I hate the hospital. I don’t think I’ll go. Man I’m tired.


8 thoughts on “Too Weak To End It

  1. Not to spew sunshine but you could also view it as ‘too strong to give up’. And make no mistake, the fact we live with these monstrous brain goblins and don’t take it out on others violently…we’re strong as hell. ❤

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  2. My daughter just went through a severe depressive episode and when we went to the emergency room, they referred her to a behavioral services outpatient program. It really helped her a lot. She’s still struggling with the depression, but she feels a lot more capable of dealing with it, especially with all of the friends she made in the program and the aftercare options they have (she went to one of the support groups today).

    She went to a program at St Joseph’s in Orange County, but a quick google search shows they have outpatient stuff in San Diego too: https://www.sandiegocounty.gov/content/sdc/hhsa/programs/bhs/mental_health_services_adult_older_adult/outpatient_mental_health_centers.html They also have an 800 number to call to find out what services are available at (888) 724-7240.

    It can be hard to look up stuff and make phone calls when you’re depressed, so maybe your husband would be willing to do that for you?

    Sorry to be THAT guy, but I know from my daughter’s and husband’s experiences that depression thrives on “all or nothing” thinking. So this is just a reminder that 1) depression lies and 2) you have choices.

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  3. I struggle with many of the same things. I can only echo what others have posted … depression lies, you do have choices and you are strong despite this brain f*** we fight. We fight. Make no mistake. It is a fight. You ARE strong. Thank you for choosing to remain to fight this fight. You are worth it. You would be horribly missed by those who love you.

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  4. Keep fighting we need you and love you. I have felt then same but I think of a that’ I have been Through and my wife and four children and how I must keep going. You always have a friend in me and all of us on this page. My dad was bipolar and tried killing my mom 3 Times when I was 5-8 yrs old he tried killing him self when I was 12 and he was disabled from 1982-2007 my sister and I took care of him for 25 year and I swore I would survive I have survived a tumor 2 ribs being taken out I was on west side highway when 9/11 happened over my head when planes hit the building. And I survived a divorce where my ex was abusive and I paid her over 4 millon before taxes for my children and she sued me every year for more I fight everyday and I know it is tough for some reason lately the world is heavy look at robin Wiliams. Chris cornell. Chester Bennington. And others it is a tough world peace and love

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  5. I can only comment from the way I feel, so please don’t take my comments to heart. There are many times we can hear someone else suggest something and all it does is peeve us off further and the desire to throw the phone or computer becomes almost unbearable.

    When all else your tools have failed, and lets face it, it happens, I can do nothing but go with it and hope to heck it doesn’t follow me into the next day. Often it does. I hate my bed, but sleep is safe. Dosing myself up responsibly with sleeping tablets is sometimes the only answer I can find. Getting myself into a space where I don’t need to control my emotions, anger, and whatever other feelings I are trying to bury, they’re better out. Sleep or let them out. All the emotion, hypermania, it all leads to sheer exhaustion. In a way that’s a good thing for me, because it means it is passing. Keeping myself away from people is then the key. Lock the doors, turn off all electronics, shut all the blinds.

    I don’t know if any of these things will work, sometimes nothing does. but I know analyzing it is even worse. What happened yesterday I have to leave in the past. What happened an hour ago I have to leave in the past. I need to cope with this second.

    It sounds so easy on paper, so easily typed on a keyboard. When the synaptic connections in our minds stop firing correctly, we are at their mercy. All we can do is hold on, try and keep ourselves safe, and know it will pass.

    I am truly sorry for where you are at, which is a terrible and scary place to be. One that feels it will never pass and leaves you or rather me wondering if I will ever find happiness and find reason to go on.

    Please go on. There are so many of us that love reading your blog, and in a way, are touched each time we read about your fight.

    Love and hugs, Blitter

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  6. I just lost a deeply loved family member to bipolar 2 this July. I’m so sorry to read that you had a bad month too. It’s not your fault. It’s a tough disease. Please take good care of yourself and try to stay living. Be careful when the new meds start to kick in, because sometimes the energy to act on a suicidal impulse kicks in before the impulse itself fades. You probably know that. But I’m just reminding–be careful, and may your loved ones be able to be with you and offer all the love and support that you need and then some.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Bonnie,

      May I express my deepest sympathy for your loss, and what you must be going through right now. I cannot even start to begin what that must be like for you and those around you that feel such an immense loss.

      On a very personal level, thank you for sharing your post. Having Bipolar my mind goes places I wish it didn’t, and at times am unable to control. But by sharing your post you have reminded me of the painful consequences one leaves behind when taking the ultimate step to end their personal pain.

      I am without the correct words and fear to say the wrong thing in this post. Please from myself, know that I sincerely thank you for sharing this, for reminding me, and that I wish for you and fellow loved ones trying to cope that the pain subsides as you try come to terms with what has happened.

      Deepest Regards,

      Blitter

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