I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy. This whole time I’ve been working toward a goal that isn’t mine. I feel lost. What I’m trying to say is that my whole career up until this point has been a lie. I don’t want to work in science at least not in medical research. That’s what my parents wanted from me. And now I feel drained. Like my lifeblood is being sucked out of me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. Do I just do what I’m told and be miserable my whole life? Or is there something else out there for me. I don’t know where to start.
This all started with my ECT treatments. The head doctor in charge would ask me questions before each session. As I lay there on the bed while the nurses would strap electrodes to my head he would ask about my mood. I would say, to my surprise, that I’m still depressed. I didn’t understand how I would still feel this way after all isn’t ECT supposed to be a cure for depression. I was angry and frustrated. How could I still be depressed. He prescribed Seroquel and told me that should help. And as far as I know it helped. But there was something missing. During the morning I would go in for treatment and in the afternoon I would go to work. I felt obligated to go. I felt like if I didn’t go that would make me lazy and I couldn’t afford my parents thinking I’m lazy. I’d worked too hard to gain their approval I couldn’t afford to fuck up now. So I had my husband drive me to work. It seemed fine but there was a disconnect.
Something wasn’t right. I felt this heavy weight on my shoulders. I despised the job. I hated everything about it. But how could that be? I was so thankful to have a job a few months ago. Why was I shrugging my shoulders and tuning everyone out? All I did was count down the hours until I could go home. Every minute of being there was suffocating. “This isn’t normal” I’d tell myself. People hate their jobs but not like this. Is this the reason I’m so depressed? Why am I forcing myself to do a job I can barely tolerate? And how is this supposed to help my treatment? My doctor said I should take a break from work while the treatment is going on and I think I know why he said it. Because this clogs up your mind. You aren’t able to focus on feeling better if you are forcing yourself to do something toxic to your psyche.
Toxins running through my blood bury me in drudge, cover me in slime. I can barely breathe. I feel obligated to entertain like a court jester permanent smile slapped across my face, hot tears dripping down. I can’t break free. I can’t speak. So I laugh and dance for all the idiots that expect a show. I can’t breathe. I want to break free. I need help but no one will reach out their hand. Am I doomed to be a street performer my entire life? Is there anyone out there who can free me of this prison I’ve chained myself to?!? God I wanna scream! No one told me I’m allowed to be happy. No one said I had a choice. Fuck all you and your rules! You don’t know the first thing about me!