Life Is Just A Stage…

I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy. This whole time I’ve been working toward a goal that isn’t mine. I feel lost. What I’m trying to say is that my whole career up until this point has been a lie. I don’t want to work in science at least not in medical research. That’s what my parents wanted from me. And now I feel drained. Like my lifeblood is being sucked out of me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. Do I just do what I’m told and be miserable my whole life? Or is there something else out there for me. I don’t know where to start.

This all started with my ECT treatments. The head doctor in charge would ask me questions before each session. As I lay there on the bed while the nurses would strap electrodes to my head he would ask about my mood. I would say, to my surprise, that I’m still depressed. I didn’t understand how I would still feel this way after all isn’t ECT supposed to be a cure for depression. I was angry and frustrated. How could I still be depressed. He prescribed Seroquel and told me that should help. And as far as I know it helped. But there was something missing. During the morning I would go in for treatment and in the afternoon I would go to work. I felt obligated to go. I felt like if I didn’t go that would make me lazy and I couldn’t afford my parents thinking I’m lazy. I’d worked too hard to gain their approval I couldn’t afford to fuck up now. So I had my husband drive me to work. It seemed fine but there was a disconnect.

Something wasn’t right.  I felt this heavy weight on my shoulders. I despised the job. I hated everything about it. But how could that be? I was so thankful to have a job a few months ago. Why was I shrugging my shoulders and tuning everyone out? All I did was count down the hours until I could go home. Every minute of being there was suffocating. “This isn’t normal” I’d tell myself. People hate their jobs but not like this. Is this the reason I’m so depressed? Why am I forcing myself to do a job I can barely tolerate? And how is this supposed to help my treatment? My doctor said I should take a break from work while the treatment is going on and I think I know why he said it. Because this clogs up your mind. You aren’t able to focus on feeling better if you are forcing yourself to do something toxic to your psyche.

Toxins running through my blood bury me in drudge, cover me in slime. I can barely breathe. I feel obligated to entertain like a court jester permanent smile slapped across my face, hot tears dripping down. I can’t break free. I can’t speak. So I laugh and dance for  all the idiots that expect a show. I can’t breathe. I want to break free. I need help but no one will reach out their hand. Am I doomed to be a street performer my entire life? Is there anyone out there who can free me of this prison I’ve chained myself to?!? God I wanna scream! No one told me I’m allowed to be happy. No one said I had a choice. Fuck all you and your rules! You don’t know the first thing about me!

8 thoughts on “Life Is Just A Stage…

  1. Oh, this sucks so much for you, sweet Jess!

    I think most of us want our parents’ approval, as if it equals love, but if the only way they can love and respect you is by placing you in a position that is toxic mentally…Maybe you should worry more about pleasing yourself than them.

    Points for fortitude, any time a doctor gave me a legit opportunity to focus on treatment away from the stress of a job, I jumped on it. You just keep going. But at what cost to you, that is concerning.

    I am here if you ever need someone to just vent to or a shoulder to cry on. I am in a shitty boat myself right now but all we can do is keep rowing and smacking aside the bad mental thoughts with our spiked oars ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, I can really relate to all you saying. Even so we just know each kind of pain and feelings once they are inflicted in ourselves. I like to believe my BP is a way for me to envolve and understand more of the world and be able if possible to help. You help people when you write Jess and I hope writing helps you.

    I done ect last year and my mind and thinking are much clearer now. Even so my depression and etc. are still haunting me. I always ask why can’t I be happy at least a bit, and I miss working and when I work I always want to give up. Just change work if you find another thing to do first so you can keep a routine and feel useful.

    Best of luck =)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Jess,

    Sorry probably isn’t the right word, although it is something that I feel because you are in pain and frustration. I LOVE that you write exactly what you want to write, the way you want and don’t give a flying hoot. It is refreshing. I have a blog and can relate, in so much that I don’t care, but I feel alone and isolated and whilst not wanting pity, want to be understood. No one in my real world gets me, and by means of a blog, I feel I can write who I am. Unfortunately it doesn’t give me the feedback I desperately seek, that it’s ok to be completely stuffed up and holding it together by the skin of your teeth. Yet resenting that you are. Resenting that this seems to be the best it gets. At least with the mania or major depression, it feels like there is something that can be done, but when you are relatively, sheesh, do you ever use the word, stable, you, or rather I, cannot believe that everyone is happy to leave you alone from a medical standpoint and say “there, your ok now”. That sucks bigtime.

    So please continue to let the words and emotions flow, rant if needed, just let it out lived experience is important and needs to be heard. Ccontinue to let this blog be your sounding board and the way you vent and share with those who care and can relate at least to some extent at your frustrations and lack of satisfaction at life, the way it is going, the way it is turning out. Frankly life sucks. We don’t want it to, but unless it is in crisis, no one pays attention. Nature of the beast. If they think they can keep your breathing then their job is done.

    I can tell you we want to hear from you. I can tell you that I admire you for what you say and the way you say it.
    You might not be understood to the extent you wish, but you are heard, and I for one can certainly relate.

    Keep on writing. Feel our love. Even if it’s not enough, it’s something. xX

    Liked by 1 person

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