Gotta Get This Off My Chest

Ready. Set. Sail!

So….I don’t know why I’m writing this. Or, as a matter of fact, who I’m writing this for. And you know what? That’s ok. Because I started my blog with the sole intention of documenting my experiences. I shouldn’t care if anyone is reading this. I shouldn’t care if NOBODY is reading this. So why don’t I write more? Well, I found out that I actually DO care if people read my blog. It sucks. It sucks donkey dick. This should be my own personal creative outlet for my needs and yet I look at my site everyday and think to myself, “Why bother?” I tried my best to make it attractive what with the Map of My Mind and the Forbidden Forest and all. But what’s the point?! I feel like no one listens. Yes there are the handful of people who reach out and tell me they like my writing but are they just being nice? I don’t want to take up anyone’s time and just blather on like I make a difference. But I can’t help but feel like I should just say Fuck it and write whenever and whatever makes me happy.

This would be so much cooler if I had more followers. Right? Maybe? Or not. Maybe the handful of you who take the time and listen to my nonsensical blatherings is enough. Even though I feel entirely vulnerable doing this. Despite no one knowing who I really am I feel like the eyes of the world are on me; hanging on my every word. Being vulnerable is hard.

Speaking of vulnerable, I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable lately. I just had a phone interview with a recruiter at one of the coolest jobs on the planet and it went REALLY WELL! Like crazy good!

I wanted to jump for joy! I wanted to leap out of my chair. I answered ALL the questions with wit and grace. She was very impressed with my experience. And the whole thing lasted the entire allotted 30 minutes. In fact, she even told me that “when” I meet with the team this week for the in person interview I’ll have to discuss more about the day to day tasks of the position!! Huzzah!

Nailed it! Right? Right…?!?!? Then why am I so panicked?!?!? Why have I not heard back from her yet?!?! It’s been since Thursday and not a peep. I even sent over a Thank You email to seal the deal. So why am I on the verge of a panic attack?!

Did something happen in between that time? Did she look at my resume/LinkedIn and see something she didn’t like? Oh God? What if something I said towards the end offended her? My stomach is tied up in knots. My heart is racing. I’m trying to stay calm. I’m trying to keep perspective but I can’t help feeling like she changed her mind.

 

Oh God?!? What do I do?!?!

I’ve been recently listening to Brene Brown author of The Power of Vulnerability. In today’s lesson she goes over the ability to sit with uncertainty.

…ugh God!

She goes on to talk about how we need to learn to be vulnerable in our uncertainty and learn to move past the feelings of fear and insecurity. How sometimes life blesses us with amazing things in our path but that path is riddled with uncertainty.

This is NOT what I need to hear right now. I need to hear a “Here’s your time for your in-person interview. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early, blah blah blah.” That’s what I need! I HATE having to act like and adult and deal with not having things answered NOW! It’s the fucking worst! Please God help my poor heart.

My friends seem pretty confident that I’ll go on to the next steps. My gut is telling me that things went fine. So why am I worrying?!?!

 

Maybe it’s because I care so much. This is practically a dream job for me. It’s all the things I wanted. It’s so hard to even think about the possibility of a no. I can’t even make room for it in my brain.

Ever since my last ECT session I’ve been doing wonderful. I’ve had a nice steady, stable demeanor and I’ve been happy. No anxiety or anything. Until THIS showed up!

To be perfectly honest, I don’t know why I’m sharing all this with you guys. I know this stuff is boring fluff and you want to get back to the real meat of Mani and Depression. Sorry guys. This is all I got.

Which is why I was so hesitant to even write this. Is anyone out there listening anymore? I hate it that I feel like I have to do crazy contests and fun graphic designs just to get you guys to listen. Honestly all I want to do is vent.

This is my outlet why can’t I just be who I am? Can I just do that?

Please don’t hate me guys. I want to write more but I feel like no one wants or cares to listen. I’m gonna be really vulnerable with you guys because that’s what I always promised…the real, ugly truth. I don’t want to bullshit you guys. You don’t deserve that. In fact I want to reach out and let you know it’s ok to be vulnerable and do things that just make you happy.

I’ve been quickly learning that life is short. Like real fucking short. And you gotta do what makes you happy. Don’t let people bullshit you around or knock you down. If you have some creative outlet you love then go ahead and use that! Don’t let anyone stop you. Whoever stops you from doing what you love is an asshole and they don’t deserve you. Stand up and face the fears that have been bogging you down for so long and say to them, “You can’t stop me from being happy.”

I don’t care if this is too long or a waste of space, this is MY space. I needed to get all of this off my chest. If you’re out there and you agree, leave a note in the comments. From now on, I’ll be writing when and how I feel like it. Hopefully you guys will continue to support me. Stay strong and know that you are loved.

 

 


9 thoughts on “Gotta Get This Off My Chest

  1. I’m still here. I understand about the blog crickets, too. We start writing for ourselves, to vent, and then we get a few likes and followers and it’s like…where did you people go, helloooo?
    Write what and when you want. Always keep it real that way.
    But one thing I’ve learned is the blog world is needy and fickle. You want to get more involved with people, you have to reciprocate and start following their blogs and commenting. And if you don’t post once a week, you basically gather cobwebs.
    And of course, people flock to your manic confessions of sexual naughtiness, sex sells, even for free on a blog! LOL. But you shouldn’t have to apologize if you’re not cycling toward mania. Nothing wrong whatsoever with feeling on an even keel and just writing as much can often give struggling folks hope that it can happen for them.

    Right now, your anxiety is situational, you have your dreams riding on this job opportunity. I can’t imagine anyone being cool with not hearing IMMEDIATELY and being kept in the dark. Maddening!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you through wordpress? That’s where i do the following as it shows in my feed usually but i can seem to follow you so I’m thinking you use a different format. I’ll try to stay a top of your posts when i get an email. Welcome to the blogosphere.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Jess,
    I hope you know how much you help people like me. Honestly, I want to die and I don’t think that is ever going to change. I honestly don’t know what to say anymore. Just thanks for writing. It helps a lot of us

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am still not at a point in my life where I can just openly discuss my BPD and just reading that you go through so many of the same things makes me feel like I am not a freak or just making shit up in my own head (which of course I also do). I will be here reading whatever you have to write and if you don’t feel like writing I guess I’ll be waiting 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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