Woah boy! Now that all that’s off my chest I can provide an actual update for you guys. Thanks to all who supported me and my message. You guys are the best followers. I sincerely thought that last post was going to tank my blog. I guess more people are on the same page as me than I thought.
So what’s up with Jess? Well I’m still stable for the most part. No crazy mood swings or anything. I’m still having trouble sleeping but it hasn’t led to any mania.
My relationship with my dad is fine. I wish there was a way to really communicate with him how I feel about the childhood trauma. I don’t want to start another fight but it’s really been getting in my way. I think about it so often now. Why did he have to be so emotionally immature? Why did he have to blame me for everything growing up? Why did he always seem to take his anger out on me?
I’m remembering awful stuff. Like when he used to make me put makeup on in the morning when I was 15 before I was allowed to eat at the breakfast table. He used to say he didn’t want me looking “like that” and I had to be “presentable” if I wanted breakfast. How disgusting is that? By the time I primped myself up, my food would get cold and I’d end up sitting with alone with him and my mom at the table while my brothers went to go play. He’d call me beautiful and I remember wondering if he meant that only when I had makeup on. For years, until very recently, I’d ALWAYS make sure to leave the house with a full face of makeup. I’d make sure my husband never saw me without it. I have very low self-esteem now.
Another time something would happen, I forgot what it was, but I was blamed for doing something that my brothers clearly did. He would say things like, “Why can’t you take responsibility for your actions ever? You never take responsibility. It’s never Jess’s fault. Stop being so defensive and just own up to what you did!” I’d say that in this circumstance I actually didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not being defensive. He’d respond with, “There you go again defending yourself! Stop defending yourself!” He’d proceed to repeat that last sentence over and over in a childish, condescending way, “Stop defending yourself. Stop defending yourself!”
Fuck me I hate it when he’d make fun of me. That stupid voice. It’s so scarring having grown up being bullied by both my peers and my parents.
There was a time when my parents needed money and instead of asking me they just demanded I give it to them. I told them I needed the money because I was saving up to buy a car and, since I was still living with them at the time, I figured they’d want me to have my own vehicle so I’d stop borrowing theirs. I remember the argument went on for more than an hour. They kept insisting that I give it to them. I was over 18 at the time so I felt like they were treating me like a child and a bank account. They kept calling me all these names and telling me I was being disrespectful to them. I told my then boyfriend (husband now) at the time that they wouldn’t leave me alone. He came over right away and took me to his house and let me stay there for a week until my parents changed their mind about the money.
All these and many more incidents keep cropping up in my head. I feel weak. I feel pushed around. I don’t know how to bring this up with my dad. I want an apology. I want revenge. I just want to be happy again. I need a therapist. My soul feels weak. I feel like giving up. I’m trying to be strong but the memories keep popping up.
I hate my mom but I especially hate my dad. He always tried to pretend he wasn’t being cruel and that all parents act like him. Come to find out that wasn’t even close to true.
I want to tell him to fuck off. He didn’t even want poor Paul back until Paul had kidney failure and almost died. He was going to send him away to a home. Which he is still going to do. He wants things to be as convenient as possible and if they’re not he gets rid of them. I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did raising me and my brothers.
Speaking of Paul, he is planning on getting discharged from the hospital tomorrow. He is much healthier and his kidneys and liver have pretty much completely recovered.
That’s all really. I’ll try to post more often but I can’t promise anything.
I just wish I didn’t have to love him. Love. Shouldn’t. Hurt.