I haven’t been honest with myself or you guys.
For such a long time.
You see the truth is I’d rather sit back and be afraid and be depressed instead of fight for my happiness.
I’m a coward.
I admit that.
And I’ve hurt people because of it.
I hurt them and hurt them and pretend like everything is ok when it’s not.
If you’ve been following me you know that polyamory is something me and my husband have tried to help save our marriage. We both wanted some intimacy that our histories got in the way of.
I wanted something more than sex. A true genuine connection. Ever since the situation with Mark, things have just gone downhill. Everything. And we can’t seem to repair what we lost.
What I learned from Mark is that there are other men out there. Despite the fact that he was a total asshole.
And the situation with Matt, even though he was a manipulative douchebag, had me thinking that maybe I don’t have to stay in my little bubble.
That there are men who can and do care at least somewhat.
Who can give me the things I need.
I don’t blame my husband. I blame myself.
I chose to ignore these feelings.
Use the excuse of hypersexuality to sleep with Mark.
And although I do get sexually turned on when I’m manic, deep down I needed something more.
Honestly I did try to replace him with the open relationship. I hate that I did that. I knew I shouldn’t have.
He doesn’t trust me anymore. He thinks I used him to pay off my debts. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We got in debt together and got out of it together.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe divorce is the only option.
Im trying to save face but I feel like I’ve betrayed my best and closest friend.
I feel immensely horrible.
But what was I supposed to do? Lie all my life?
Be the pretty little housewife that says yes to everything and never complains?
My mental health is more important. I’m drowning in a sexless marriage.
Part of me doesn’t want to give up hope. Part of me wants to fight for this marriage. But I feel like we’ve been doing that and nothing is working.
Part of me wants to run and hide. Part of me wants to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. Tell him I lied and I still want to be with him.
But it’s not true. Not anymore.
Im feeling low but I feel like I have the strength to get through this.
I need to learn to stand on my own two feet.
Please let me know what you think. Good or bad.