I’ve Been Lying To Myself

Hello everyone,

Um…

I haven’t been honest with myself or you guys.

For such a long time.

You see the truth is I’d rather sit back and be afraid and be depressed instead of fight for my happiness.

I’m a coward.

I admit that.

And I’ve hurt people because of it.

I hurt them and hurt them and pretend like everything is ok when it’s not.

If you’ve been following me you know that polyamory is something me and my husband have tried to help save our marriage. We both wanted some intimacy that our histories got in the way of.

I wanted something more than sex. A true genuine connection. Ever since the situation with Mark, things have just gone downhill. Everything. And we can’t seem to repair what we lost.

What I learned from Mark is that there are other men out there. Despite the fact that he was a total asshole.

And the situation with Matt, even though he was a manipulative douchebag, had me thinking that maybe I don’t have to stay in my little bubble.

That there are men who can and do care at least somewhat.

Who can give me the things I need.

I don’t blame my husband. I blame myself.

I chose to ignore these feelings.

Use the excuse of hypersexuality to sleep with Mark.

And although I do get sexually turned on when I’m manic, deep down I needed something more.

Honestly I did try to replace him with the open relationship. I hate that I did that. I knew I shouldn’t have.

He doesn’t trust me anymore. He thinks I used him to pay off my debts. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We got in debt together and got out of it together.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe divorce is the only option.

Im trying to save face but I feel like I’ve betrayed my best and closest friend.

I feel immensely horrible.

But what was I supposed to do? Lie all my life?

Be the pretty little housewife that says yes to everything and never complains?

My mental health is more important. I’m drowning in a sexless marriage.

Part of me doesn’t want to give up hope. Part of me wants to fight for this marriage. But I feel like we’ve been doing that and nothing is working.

Part of me wants to run and hide. Part of me wants to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. Tell him I lied and I still want to be with him.

But it’s not true. Not anymore.

Im feeling low but I feel like I have the strength to get through this.

I need to learn to stand on my own two feet.

Please let me know what you think. Good or bad.


4 thoughts on “I’ve Been Lying To Myself

  1. I just left my husband of 21 years. He treated me more like I was his mom and less like I was his wife. And if I was his wife it was to make sure the kids were taken care of and his dinner was on the table when he got home no matter how unpredictable his work schedule was. The baby graduated in June. For the last two years I’d been blaming my meds for my lack of interest in sex with him. And due to his arthritis he found out couch more comfortable than our bed. So really we’ve been separated but cohabitating for a while. I don’t love him. I haven’t loved him for a long time. I stayed for the kids. I’ve had affairs he doesn’t know about when manic. And I hated myself. But honestly I hated him more. And it was time to leave. I now have someone that treats me like a Queen. And a partner. That truly loves me not for what I can provide but for me mental health issues and all. It’s a whole new world. And I’m so glad I left. Good luck to you in whatever you choose. Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Jess,

    First, a big 🤗 hug. These are very deep, provocative, triggering and soul searching questions. So difficult because you are, in essence, questioning your core values whilst fighting instability, depression, pain from realised actions, a lack of intamacy which is not resolved, feelings of guilt and the effects Covid has brought upon us (discontentment and feelings of both hopelessness and powerless to change our lives). When you put together just some of those, wow, its a lot to put on anyones shoulders. Even the strongest and most stable with families, friends and other supportive people. You’re doing this alone.

    Too many of us with bipolar for one reason or another end up with failed marriages, failed relationships with our children who want nothjng to do with us and incredibly misunderstood loneliness. I use the word misunderstood because, well I for one, have always felt I have both a depth and amount of love to give. Yet its never reciprocated. Not longterm. Used, emotionally and financially abused, then they leave?

    Ive followed you for many years. That craving for love, the thrill, the drive, the spark, especially when manic – its something to be craved. Yet so self-destructive. . After two failed marriages, three kids of whom two want nothing to do with me, I’ve given up. Personally, and this isnt advice, rather lived experience, I’m glad I’m not married anymore. I have no friends. Thats another thing divorce does. Even those who have stuck by you for years – they leave. Judge and leave. Take sides and leave. Am I happy, no. Do I wish for that manic thrill followed by a hot and steamy? Absolutely. I think we are around the same age. What have I learnt? Get on the best meds you can. Get the unconditional love and devotion from your pets. Give up on people, but not your support network. Put up barriers to keep yourself safe. Throw yourself into things that make you feel good. Be stupid, but with your own body is part of my coping too. Weird hair colors, painted toes, nails, semi permanant body art, clothing that in no way reflects your age. Go wild in places that dont have long term reprecussions.

    What does your husband truly want? Is he staying out of sense of duty or love? Why do you stay – what does he provide? Some stability, income, a roof over your head? Idk, but it wasnt enough for me to stay after I found my loveless marriage was evidently my fault and my partner was having an affair. Is a trial seperation a possibility, one your marriage could survive?

    My biggest piece of advice – dont make life decisions whilst emotional.

    I genuinely feel for you, and wish I could offer you the answers. Please dont give up. Keep fighting, as you are. Because as pointless as it seems, theres ones like myself who need ones like you Jess, who we know understand and can band together to try and help each other.

    Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I learned, maybe a little late to my liking, that sometimes you have to walk away to find yourself. I waited in a loveless marriage trying to hold on to something that left me not who I am … lying to myself it was for the kids or I don’t want to be divorced. Either decision you make is obviously yours but I stress you will feel more free just being you and being ok with that no matter the consequence. I hope this helps… best wishes for you

    Liked by 1 person

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